The Copyright Infringement Saga
by Frieza2000-XTC
Summary: A new universe is born with the collision of several others! Heero Yuy gundam wing and Ryo Sanada Ronin warriors may be civilization's only hope. Also includes DBZ.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: Everyone in this story that has a name is a trademarked character of someone else. We did not create any of them. The only character that could be considered our own creation is Dr. J, whose personality is so altered that he resembled his trademarked self in no way, shape, or form.

A note to the reader: You may find that, during the earlier chapters of this story, the main characters are acting like idiots. This will be explained and corrected later on. We ask that you please hold judgement until midway into the saga. Thank you for bothering to read this.

**The Copyright Infringement Saga**

By Daniel (Frieza2000-XTC) and Vincent (Flionk) Fizz  
Completed March 26, 2002, Revised May 13, 2004

For a version of this story with pictures, sound clips, and

movies, visit my website's link page

**Prologue **

It all started with a man, a machine, and a piece of fairy cake. The machine was known as the total perspective vortex. It was powered by the fairy cake. The machine's purpose was to show an individual, in one instant, the whole infinity of creation, and himself in relation to it, thereby showing the him just how pointless his life is and annihilating his brain. In an attempt to increase the power of this machine, its creator added a bottle of soy sauce, which was composed of ingredients from ten other universes that he obtained via inter-dimensional magazine monthly, to the piece of fairy cake. However, instead of amplifying the power of the machine's effects, the machine caused the ten other universes to collide upon his.

The collision had catastrophic side effects. People appeared on random planets across the new world, tearing families apart. Entire species were wiped out, the dead were raised, planetary systems appeared on top of each other, and other bizarre phenomenon that scientists can't even begin to speculate filled the instant of the union. With the sudden dismemberment and dislocation of nearly every social structure, massive wars for power broke throughout the universe. Fortunately, the strongest force quickly rose to power; the strongest force being Frieza. Within a few short months, all the wars were broken up and Frieza ascended to the throne as supreme ruler of the universe. In time, the creator of the vortex came forward and explained what had caused the chaos, and was brutally murdered moments later. For those who are curious, the fairy cake was carried off by a group of carpenter ants, who later evolved into politicians.

The event became known as "The Joining". The people were left with no choice but to accept their new lives and start over. Some search the stars for their loved ones or their homes, but most have done their best to adapt and rebuild.

Although order has been established, communication between planets is low and government structure varies widely from planet to planet. Understandably, there is confusion regarding current events in the universe, rumors from passing travelers being the prime source of news for planets without access to sub-ether technology. Most people have lost all interest in affairs outside their own planets, trying to live the rest of their lives in peace and hoping it will all work itself out.


	2. Character list

**Character list**

Heero Yuy: In the year after colony 197, true peace had finally been obtained. With his battles behind him, Heero set out on a journey to find the meaning of his life. No one is exactly sure what he found, but 2 years later it led him to open up a candy shop/deli in the middle of a small town. After the joining, he was transported to a planet known as Titania. There, he met a boy about his age named Ryo and they became friends to an extent. He decided not to engage in the many battles around the universe, having vowed never to kill again, and simply hoped it would work itself out.

Ryo Sanada (Ryo of the Wildfire): After defeating Talpa and his evil dynasty, he lived a happy life and dated Mia. But then they had some disagreements and broke up. Unfortunately, Mia was going to help pay for Ryo's collage tuition. Having no money and no house, Ryo got a job driving a truck. After the joining, he was transported to a desert planet called Titania. It really didn't make any difference to him. He got a new truck and continued to drive. He does most of the deliveries to Heero Yuy's shop.

Trowa Barton: With peace attained and his battles over, Trowa returned to his job as an acrobat in the circus. Then the joining came. Now, he sells seashells by the seashore. Why? Because he's high.

Frieza: Zarbon, who was resurrected by his mother, found the dragonballs and revived Frieza, his beloved master. Frieza immediately began planning his revenge. Just as it was beginning to seem that he would never be strong enough to defeat his enemies, his scientists chanced upon a new technology: A time compression machine. The machine allowed him to train his mind and spirit without his body aging. With this new weapon at his disposal, he trained for a very long time. He then proceeded to slaughter Goku. However, just before he made the final blow, the Pope ran up behind him and whacked him over the head with his enchanted baseball bat. The bat broke, and the Pope fled for dear life. Frieza fell unconscious and arose 3 seconds later feeling...slightly less evil. So, cocky and merciful, he made Goku his houseboy. He then conquered the universe with ease. Then the joining came. He quickly rose to power in the chaos. He is now the supreme and unquestioned lord and master of the universe.

Zarbon: When his mother heard he died on Namek, she set out in search of the dragonballs. The Z gang didn't see Zarbon as a threat, so they allowed it. Upon being wished back, Zarbon used the balls' second wish to bring back Frieza. The gang didn't see Frieza as a threat either, so they allowed it. Frieza then trained and dominated the universe. Zarbon is now Frieza's right hand man.

Dr. J: After blowing himself up with the battleship Libra, he was returned to life in the joining. However, for whatever reason, he lost his sanity in the process. Dr. J has been found to have criminally insane tendencies by the following: The FBI, the CIA, the FDA, the ADA, the KKK, the IBM, the AT&T, the ABC, the NBA, the NFL, the AFC, the WWF, the NRA, the DMV, the MLA, the CNN, the NBC, the NON, the NOA, the SOA, the USA, the XTC, the KOE, the GGT, the UKG, the MCI, the AOL, the M&M, the FOX network, all the kings horses and all the kings men, the MSG, the RCP (90), the ATM, the PS2, everyone he's ever met, and even organizations that don't have 3 letter abbreviations.

Goku: He was defeated by Frieza, and now works as his houseboy. Goku hopes to someday defeat Frieza and earn his freedom, but for now he'd rather live a sad, degrading life than no life at all.

Chi-chi and Gohan: Chi-chi owns and runs the most popular restaurant/bar in the universe: "Chi-chi's intergalactic home cookin'!" located on one of planet Frieza's moons. Gohan helps his mother run the place by chopping meat in the back. On occasion, Gohan is permitted to help his father in his humiliating houseboy duties.

Red: A species of Pantless red creatures resembling a cartoonish devil. They are very common, usually found performing all the pointless and menial tasks in the universe.

The rest of the Ronin Warriors: They all went to college and got real jobs.

The 7 Dragonballs: Disappeared and were never heard from again.

Relena Peacecraft: In the year after colony 197, Relena became an ambassador and helped uphold peace in the Earthsphere for the next two years. During the utter chaos of the joining, however, she was flung to a strange and distant planet. Having lost all political power and finding herself lost in a strange new universe, Relena does what she can to survive. She hopes to someday meet Frieza and gain a position from which she can help to maintain the peace of the universe. She also secretly hopes to someday meet a certain young gundam pilot she once knew. But all of this is just a dream...

It has been two years since then. Peace was beginning to return, until…


	3. The unleashing

**Chapter 1**

(The unleashing)

(5:40 P.M. Scene opens on a planet in the outer reaches of the known universe. A man stands in front of a portal device in a rocky cliff terrain, laughing maniacally)

Crazy man: Ggyyahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!! Soon my friends...soon I shall bring you forth into this world. And with the gifts you bring me, I shall conquer it! Hahahahahahahaha!!!

(Crazy man pushes a button on the portal device. A gateway opens and an axe-toting Pikachu walks out)

Crazy guy: Hey! Who the hell are you? And where's my pizza?

Pikachu: Chuu!

(Pikachu kills Crazy man, and various other Pokemon walk out of the gate, along with a boy with glowing, red, demonic eyes)

---1 year later---

(2:00 P.M. Scene opens on Frieza's throne room. Frieza is sitting, calmly enjoying his 12th bottle of wine for the day)

(Zarbon rushes in)

Zarbon: Master Frieza, several of your planets in the outer reaches have been attacked!

Frieza: WHAT?! By who?

(Zarbon proceeds to tell him the story of the Pokemon and their various elemental abilities)

Frieza: ...so you're saying that my kingdom is being attacked by little elfish creatures?

Zarbon: Pretty much.

Frieza: And what are you doing about this?

Zarbon: Well, it was suggested that we wipe the abominations from the face of creation.

Frieza: And?

Zarbon: We took that suggestion.

Frieza: Excellent. How goes the battle?

Zarbon: We've been fighting for 3 days. We've managed to retake one of the twelve captured planets, and have sustained approximately $2 billion worth of damages.

Frieza: What?! Why have we taken such heavy casualties?

Zarbon: I'm sorry Master Frieza, but we're trying very hard not to damage your planets.

Frieza: I don't care about a dozen insignificant planets! I want these impudent rebels annihilated NOW!

Zarbon: Yes Master Frieza, of course. I'll tell the field marshal to disregard civilian casualties. Oh, and there's one more detail. There have been several reports of a young human boy leading them. He appears to have control over the beasts.

Frieza: ...and?

Zarbon: Just informing you, sir.

Frieza: Hm. Just how many of these wretched gnomes are there?

Zarbon: We aren't sure. They just seem to keep coming.

Frieza: I see…how far away are they?

Zarbon: About as far away as they possibly could be. The first sighting was on the planet Scarbaldia.

Frieza: Well, see to it that they don't get any closer.

(Frieza glances at his empty wine glass)

Frieza: HOUSEBOY!!!

(Goku walks in)

Goku: Yes Frieza?

Frieza: Go fetch me some more expensive wine. And clean up bedroom number 72. I feel like sleeping there tonight.

Goku: Yes Frieza. (mumbles) You sick son of a-

Frieza: What was that?

Goku: Nothing, sir.

Frieza: Good. (thinking) _Hmph! Elfish creatures, hah...I wonder what's on TV tonight._


	4. Call to action

**Chapter 2**

(Call to action)

(8:00 A.M., Scene opens on a candy shop/deli near a 3-way intersection in the middle of a barren wasteland on planet Titania)

(Heero is mindlessly packing and unpacking goods. Ryo arrives in his truck. Heero goes out to meet him)

Heero: Hey Ryo!

Ryo: Hey Heero!

Heero: What'cha got for me today Ryo?

Ryo: Your 85 boxes of Pixie stix finally came in…oh, and some Pepperoni.

Heero: Sweet. Come on in, I've got something to show you!

Ryo: Ok, but I can't stay long. I've got to deliver these 35 cans of gas to The Red Guy down the road.

(Heero leads him to the back room)

Heero: Now remember how you told me that you can't summon your armor anymore?

Ryo: Yeah, I forgot the incantation.

Heero: Well, I was thinking about it, and since I never really get any customers, I made you some new armor! I call it, the armor of Bolognia (bo-log-knee-a).

Ryo: Um...Heero...that's made of bologna. And I think it's rancid.

Heero: That's not just any stale bologna; it's REALLY stale bologna! I put it in that aging chamber over there, and I put some chemicals on it so it wouldn't just disintegrate.

Ryo: It smells really bad. I think I'm gonna pass out.

Heero: Just put a clothespin over your nose and you'll be fine. Hey, think of it this way: your enemies won't be able to get near you!

Ryo: ...Heero, have you been eating the Anubis brand meats again?

Heero: I'm serious! Look, it can withstand a beam-sword attack.

(Heero takes a beam-sword out of a box in one of the piles and vigorously chops the armor. It doesn't leave a scratch)

Heero: See?

Ryo: But...um...it's a few sizes too small!

Heero: ...damn.

(Heero throws the armor over his shoulder into random pile of junk)

Heero: Well, back to the drawing wall.

Ryo: Better luck next time Heero.

Heero: All right. I'll help you unload my Pixie sticks.

(Heero and Ryo unload the shipment and Ryo drives off. Heero begins moving boxes to the back. He is interrupted by the sound of an engine in the distance, and looks out the window. He sees Ryo's truck coming back)

Heero: Huh? What could he still…

(Heero then notices that it isn't Ryo in the driver seat. A strange looking man is driving the truck at 90 mph toward him)

Heero: !!!

(Heero runs out of the way as the huge truck smashes through his front door and into his back wall. The truck explodes and destroys the shop. The driver, who jumped out at the last second, begins to rise)

Heero taking out his pistol: Freeze!

Deranged man: LONG LIVE POKEMON!!!

(The man explodes. Heero stands there with a glazed look on his face as he tries to comprehend what just happened. Then he notices a figure squirming through the sand)

Heero: Ryo?

(Heero rushes to him, unties and ungags him)

Heero: What happened?

Ryo: Some crazy guy knocked me out and stole m...MY TRUCK!!!

(Ryo notices the pile of flaming wreckage)

Heero: My pixie sticks.

Ryo: Don't you mean your shop?

Heero: Huh? Oh, yeah, that too.

Ryo: Who was that?

Heero: I don't know. He shouted something about Pokemon and blew himself up.

Ryo: So what do we do now?

Heero: We should go to town. We'll need a place to stay.

Ryo: Correction: you'll need a place to stay. I have a bed.

Heero: Don't you live in your truck?

Ryo: Yeah, and?

Heero: ...whatever. Do you know of any vehicles we could use?

Ryo: There's one right over there. (Points to destroyed truck)

Heero: Um...yeah...I-

Ryo: It's fine. It's made of some kind of super metal. It could handle a little 35-gas can explosion and a crash.

Heero: ...so wait, if the truck's ok then why were you so upset?

Ryo: I just got it detailed!

Heero: Oh...ok...so let's go.


	5. and?

**Chapter 3**

(...and?)

(Scene opens on Frieza's throne room. Frieza is drinking. Zarbon enters.)

Zarbon: We've got another report of an attack Master Frieza.

Frieza: (annoyed) Where is it this time?

Zarbon: On a backwater planet called Titania. Our ships have engaged their army in space.

Frieza: Tell me Zarbon, did you ever retrieve those planets that we lost?

Zarbon: I'm afraid not Master Frieza.

Frieza: And why is that?

Zarbon: We can clear their aerial units, but their ground forces just keep coming.

Frieza: How can that be? They have to stop coming sometime.

Zarbon: We've discovered the reason why. One of our units picked up an odd disturbance in the communications channel. We sent some satellites to investigate, and we found some sort of portal device.

Frieza: Portal, eh? Have we obtained one of these portals yet?

Zarbon: Of course, Master Frieza! As soon as we found it, we sent a recovery force at it. Made quite a bloody heap of it.

Frieza: What have you determined about it?

Zarbon: It's inter-dimensional. It's made of household materials, so to speak, except for one piece.

Frieza: Which is?

Zarbon: It's made of a highly unstable element called Cabuondium. It's rather rare. I told the men to start stockpiling it to make it harder to obtain.

Frieza: Hmm...if you have the portal, why haven't you taken the planets back?

Zarbon: They've been preparing for this assault for quite some time. They've also been stockpiling Cabuondium for much longer than we have. They keep building new portals on the planets. We could eventually use up their stock, but it takes very little Cabuondium to make this piece, and this battle is costing a lot of money.

Frieza: (lays back, rather bored) Anything else?

Zarbon: Oh, yes. We've had some encounters with that boy. He's starting to gather a lot of momentum it seems. Soldiers of ours who've seen him in action claim that he's invincible. There's even some crazy talk that he could rival you.

(They both can't help but burst into a quick fit of laughter)

Frieza: Ha ha. Oh, thanks Zarbon. I needed a good laugh.

Zarbon: Right. Anyway, he's been doing some major damage, and it's costing a lot of money. We could send out our elite fighters, or blow up the planets if you'd like.

Frieza: No, this little skirmish has cost too much already. I'm not willing to give up the real estate quite yet.

Zarbon: Then perhaps you'd like to deal with him yourself, Master Frieza.

Frieza: (sighs) I suppose I'll have to.

(Frieza looks lovingly at his drink)

Frieza: You know Zarbon, there's nothing quite as nice as ice...with wine...hey wait a minute, there's no ice in here! HOUSE BOY!

(Goku runs in)

Frieza: You forgot my ice!

(Frieza throws a minor ki blast at Goku. Goku instinctively dodges)

Frieza: YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO DODGE MY ATTACKS!!!

(Frieza throws a large and painful ki blast at Goku. Goku endures the pain)

Frieza: Now go get me another drink, and don't forget the ice!

(Throws glass at him. He catches it)

Goku: Yes Frieza. Sorry sir.

(Goku leaves)

Frieza: Idiot.


	6. Reunion

**Chapter 4**

(Reunion)

(Heero and Ryo eventually put out the fire with sand and deli meats and get in Ryo's truck. The outside is barely damaged, but the seats have all been scorched)

Ryo: Aw man! My new CD player isn't working!

Heero: Ryo, the truck isn't on.

Ryo: Oh yeah.

(Ryo turns the key. A CD starts playing)

Ryo: There you go.

(They drive off down the road)

Ryo: We'd better stop for gas. I'm almost out.

(They drive a bit more, then stop at a gas station. The sign says "Red's gas")

Ryo: I'll go get Red.

(Pantless red guy comes up from below.)

Red: Hi Ryo. GOT MY GAS!!?

Ryo: Well we hit a little snag when my truck was hijacked, and then there was a little explosion-

Red: WHAT??!! (angrily) I've been waiting weeks for that gas. (softer) Can't run a gas station without any gas, CAN I?!

Ryo: Look, I'm sorry. I'll get it to you as soon as I can, no extra charge. Anyway, I need some gas.

(Momentary silence)

Red: Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out. Can I get you something else?

Heero: Hold on, I'm a bit confused. Why do you need gas delivered in cans? Don't gas stations have tanker trucks that come and fill an underground reservoir that's attached to the pumps?

Red: They do?

Ryo: (whispering and nudging Heero) Shut up! He's one of my biggest customers.

Heero: Well anyway, you must have _some_ gas.

Red: Well fine, BUT IT'LL COST YA FIFTY BUCKS!

Heero taking out his pistol: I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you correctly. You said five, right?

Red: (scared) ...yes sir.

(Red pumps the gas and they drive away)

Red: Y'all come back now, hear?!

(As they drive away, the gas station explodes)

Ryo: Please tell me you had nothing to do with that, Heero.

Heero: No, not this time.

(Screaming Red guy lands on windshield. Ryo swerves his truck and red guy falls off)

Heero: Is he ok?

Ryo: Yeah, he'll be fine. He's always fine. But did you really have to threaten him?

Heero: I wasn't really going to kill him. I just did what I had to do. Besides, do you have fifty bucks?

Ryo: I guess your right. I haven't had fifty bucks for years.

(They drive to a destroyed town. Fire and death run abound)

Ryo: Woah! What happened here?!

Heero: Looks like we're too late to rent a room. We should look for survivors and find out what happened.

(They get out and search the desolate debris. They eventually find a large warehouse which has fared considerably better then the other flaming and crumbled buildings. They enter and find a man cloaked in shadows)

Heero: Hello! Who's there? What's happened here?

Shadowed man: I'm surprised you don't remember me Heero.

Heero: Huh?

Shadowed man: (emerging from shadows) It's your old friend, Dr. J!

Heero: What? But you're dead!

Dr. J: The only thing I remember about the last four years is blowing myself up with Libra, then waking up a month ago and finding out I'd been working in this warehouse building things for the past two months.

Heero: Why didn't I know you were living less than 5 miles away?

Dr. J: Because you never leave that shop of yours! How's business by the way?

Heero: Gone. My shop recently exploded.

Dr. J: Oh, that's too bad! (Wink, wink, nod, nod)

Heero: This isn't an insurance scam, Dr. J. This was a real terrorist attack.

Dr. J: I suppose it was the Pokemon then. They destroyed this entire town. Did you happen to notice on your way in?

Ryo: Heero, who is this guy?

Heero: This is Dr. J. He trained me and gave me my Gundam.

Ryo: He seems a bit...strange.

Heero: You're right. He does seem…crazier than usual.

Dr. J: Really? Everyone seems to say that these days. The FBI, the CIA, the FDA, the ADA, the AA, the KKK, the IBM, the AT&T, my real-estate agent, my insurance company, radio DJs, people on the street, my N64-

Heero: Ok, that's enough of that. Back to the topic of what the hell is going on.

Dr. J: Oh, right. The Pokemon and their followers are taking over this planet, and are probably going to begin an enormous battle that will destroy it.

Heero: Hm. Looks like we may have to fight our way out.

Dr. J: I thought you'd be excited! You love to kill, don't you?

Heero: What?! Dr. J, I've never liked killing! Well, except for that deli leprechaun, but that's different. I gave up fighting the year after you died. Peace had finally been achieved. But…when all these universes collided, that peace was shattered.

Dr. J: So did you fight then?

Heero: No. I had no weapons and nothing to fight for. There was nothing but pointless battles for the few months that the chaos lasted. But anyway, what are Pokemon?

Dr. J: Little demonic creatures with power over the elements. They recently appeared in the universe, but their existence has been kept quiet.

Heero: Then how do you know about them?

Dr. J: I built a machine to intercept top-secret radio signals!

Ryo: (jokingly) On company time?

Dr. J: Yes! I'm not sure what it is I'm being paid for anyway.

Heero: So, why are you just sitting here?

Dr. J: I'm on break!

Heero: ...Dr. J, have you gone completely insane?

Dr. J: Why, yes! I'm surprised it's taken you this long to notice.

Heero: ...I see…well, anyway, do you have a ship?

Dr. J: Yes, but I'm not going anywhere until I pack up my lab.

Heero: How long will that take?

Dr. J: A few hours.

Heero: Great, we'll be stealing that ship later. You can come if you want. In the meantime, I have something I want to do.

Dr. J: Oh, wait Heero! I have something I've been saving for you.

(Brings him into a back room.)

Heero: It's my Gundam, Wing Zero! You've kept it all this time?…Wait, wasn't that blown up to promote peace?

Dr. J: Um...don't worry about that, it's here now!

Heero: Whatever. We gotta go somewhere, Ryo.

Ryo: Where?

Heero: To visit an old friend of mine. Get in.

(They climb up to the cockpit.)

Ryo: There's only one seat in this thing.

Heero: There's a storage compartment behind the seat that you could probably fit into.

Ryo: ...I'll just drive.

Heero: By the time you get there, I'll be back.

Ryo: Can't I just stay with Dr. J?

Dr. J: Oh yes! I'd love the company!

Ryo: (frightened) ...get me outta here!

Heero: Compartment.

Ryo: ...no.

Heero: Either that, or the Gundam holds you on the outside.

Ryo: ...fine, I'll take the compartment.

Heero: Ok, we're off.


	7. Old Friends

**Chapter 5**

(Old Friends)

(Scene opens on a beach. Wing Zero lands. Heero and Ryo get out)

Ryo: Why did you take us to an empty beach?

Heero: I want to go for a swim.

Ryo: ...um...

Heero: I'm joking. It's not completely empty.

(Heero points to a shabby market stand with Trowa behind it. They walk over)

Trowa: Hey guys! Want to buy some seashells?

Heero: ...no Trowa, we came to-

Trowa: Then how 'bout some balloons?

Heero: ...we'll take three. Look Trowa, I figured I'd tell you that the planet is about to explode. It's under attack by Pokemon, and I thought you might like to live. We're going to escape into space. You can come with us if you want, or you could just stay here. I won't force you.

Trowa: Hee…ro?

Heero: …yyyeah, Heero. We spoke about a year ago, remember? I own the candy shop/deli a few miles up the road?

Trowa: We did? Wait…Heero! I remember now. Uh…where are we again?

Ryo: This another friend of yours, Heero?

Heero: Kind of. He was one of my fellow gundam pilots.

Ryo: How is it that all of your friends ended up living on this planet? And that we're all very poor?

Heero: Ryo, are you asking me to explain inter-dimensional physics that not even the top scientists of the combined universes can even begin to hypothesize about?

Ryo: Uh…yes?

Trowa: Hey, did you rebuild your gundam?

Heero: No, Dr. J did.

Trowa: Aren't those illegal? And isn't Dr. J dead? And what the hell are Pokemon?

Heero: Yes, no, and evil little creatures.

Trowa: Uh...so does Dr. J have my gundam too?

Heero: Probably. So are you coming or not?

Trowa: Well, this little stand doesn't seem to be making me much money, so I guess so.

(Stand collapses)


	8. Meanwhile, on Planet Frieza

**Chapter 6**

(Meanwhile, on planet Frieza)

(Frieza sits in front of his TV, watching "The Power puff girls". Drinking, of course)

Frieza: ...my God, this sucks! I must have it destroyed.

(Goku walks in)

Goku: Uh, Frieza?

Frieza: Hm? I don't remember summoning you.

Goku: Uh...I brought booze.

Frieza: (Looks at his half empty glass)...fine. What do you want?

Goku: I was wondering if I could get some time off to go see my wife.

Frieza: She's doing fine. I saw her the other night. Gohan's fine too. Now get back to work.

Goku: Aw come on. Please?

Frieza: Hmm...maybe...you'll have to go a few days without sleep to catch up on the work you missed.

Goku: That's fine with me!

Frieza: Ok then, it's settled! No.

Goku: Aw...

(Goku starts to walk away)

Frieza: Wait...I have an amusing little idea. I'm thinking of one particular bottle of wine in my wine cellar. If you can guess exactly which one it is and bring it to me, you can go.

Goku: But there's over 8 trillion bottles in there!

Frieza: Good luck!

(Goku starts to walk away, but turns around)

Goku: Wait! Is it the one in my hand?

Frieza: ...damn. Ok, for proving to me that you're more clever than a door stop, you can go. But don't think about trying to escape. I'm sending my assassins to watch your every movement.

Goku: Alright! Thanks Frieza!

(He leaves)

Frieza: (Returning his attention to the T.V.) Hmm...I'll have to hire someone to make a decent T.V show.


	9. Departure

**Chapter 7**

(Departure)

Ryo: Heero...

Heero: Yes?

Ryo: ...why is your gundam holding balloons?

Heero: It makes it look cheerful.

Ryo: ...I worry about you, Heero.

(Heero gets in the cockpit, Ryo gets in his compartment, and Trowa sits in the gundam's hand. They fly back to Dr J's warehouse. When they arrive, they find some Pokemon (mostly pikachu) surrounding him and closing in)

Dr. J: Stay back! I'm just a defenseless old man!

(Dr. J then pulls out twin RCP 90s, seemingly from nowhere. The warehouse becomes a slaughterhouse)

Dr. J: Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!! (His ammo runs out) Oh, hi Heero. I see you brought Trowa. How's business?

Trowa: Last night, I almost drown in high tide.

Dr. J: Almost? Oh, that's too bad.

Trowa: ...what?

Heero: Ignore him. Have you finished packing yet, Dr. J?

Dr. J: No, but I-

Heero: Good. We're outta here.

Dr. J: We're not leaving until I find a way to get these walls on the ship!

Heero: There are already walls in the ship.

Dr. J: But these walls have sentimental value!

Heero: Don't make me sedate you, Dr. J.

Dr. J: Oh fine...

(They get into the ship and hit the ignition button.)

Heero: Why aren't we moving?

Dr. J: Maybe this is the rocket whose engine I use as a paperweight.

Ryo: You have papers?

Dr. J: No, but it's good for crushing small animals who sneak into my house at night and gnaw on my slippers. Take that you little demons!

(Awkward silence)

Trowa: I think I see the problem. We're out of gas.

Ryo: Wait...this gauge is painted over the real gauge...which is a sticker...stuck to a painted on gauge...painted over the real gauge. The actual real gauge...which is cracked and has no needle.

Heero: Dr. J, is this ship real?

Dr. J: I don't know. I think it was originally some kind of a merry-go-round.

Heero: Well, that would explain the ceramic control panel.

Ryo: And the canopy roof.

Trowa: And the animal-shaped seats.

Heero: ...let's just try it again.

(He turns the key and hits the ignition again. Nothing happens again)

Heero: Wait! Don't worry guys, I have the solution to all of life's problems.

(He takes out his pistol and shoots the dashboard as he hits the ignition. It miraculously starts)

Trowa: Wow...hey, let me try that.

(Trowa takes out a broken seashell, places it on the floor, and shoots it. It shatters to dust)

Trowa: Aw man…

(They take off into outer space. They discover that the entire planet is surrounded by starships engaged in battle. Some are of Frieza's army, others of the Pokemon army)

Heero: Damnit. They're in our way. Dr. J, is this ship fit for combat?

Dr. J: Oh ho ho! Why, this ship is hardly fit to support life!

(Momentary silence)

Heero: ...ok, next stop is the nearest place we can trash this pile of junk. In the meantime, we'll use the Gundams.

Trowa: Did you bring mine?

Dr. J: Yes, it's in the back.

Trowa: All right then. Let's suit up.

Ryo: I would help, if only I could remember the damn words to summon my armor! I think it was something like this: ARMOR OF WILDFIRE...uh...uh...MAOI!!! No, that's not right. How about, ARMOR OF WILDFIRE, COME TO ME!!!

(They fail to be surprised by the lack of mystical armor)

Ryo: Damn! I remember it sounded Japanese...oh why didn't I write it down!!?

Heero: Thank you for dazzling us with your personal problems, Ryo. Now let's go. We can't win this fight, so let's just try to clear a path out of here.

(Heero and Trowa get into their Gundams and fly off towards the closest ship. It looks like a Pokeball)

Heero: What kind of ship is that?

Trowa: Judging from its size, I'd say it's some kind of carrier.

(They fly toward it. It opens, and releases drone ships shaped like various Pokemon. Begin Gundam Wing style battle. The Gundams are met with weak resistance)

Heero: No. It's all coming back to me! The battle, the meaningless pain! No, no! How many must die before there is peace!!! (Slices a ship in half)

Dr. J: Quite a lot of many, from the looks of it.

Heero: Wait...I didn't have the transmitter on...Dr. J, did you bug my Gundam?

Dr. J: Of course! In fact, I've had your Gundams bugged since the day I gave them to you!

(Heero kills three more things. Battle continues. Enemy ships fire plasma beams, while Heero and Trowa use beam swords. Suddenly, Trowa's Gundam falls limp)

Heero: Trowa! What's wrong?! Trowa, respond!

Trowa: (sounding weird) Pokemon…will live…forever.

Heero: Trowa, what's wrong? What the hell are you saying!?

(Trowa begins attacking Heero with his sword)

Heero: Trowa, you traitor!!!

(They fight for a while. Then, suddenly, Heero feels an inexplicable love for Pokemon. He feels ready to sacrifice his life in order to further their cause. These irrational thoughts confuse him, but he can't stop loving them. Then the Zero system kicks in, and it all stops. Heero notices something)

Heero: That ship they're coming from. It's giving off some kind of signal!

(Heero quickly dispatches all drones in the way, and destroys the Pokeball with his Buster Rifle. Trowa regains sanity)

Trowa: Ow, my head. What was that?

Heero: We've cleared a path. Let's get back to the ship before we're spotted.

(They get back on the ship and fly off. In the background, the planet explodes. They stare at the debris of their home)

Ryo: My truck...

Trowa: I knew I should have brought my shells along.

Heero: (Heero has a very deep and sad/angry look in his eyes) ……….So Trowa, what happened out there?

Trowa: I don't know. I couldn't control myself.

Dr. J: My sensors picked up psychic waves coming from that ship.

Heero: Dr. J, this "ship" doesn't have any sensors.

Dr. J: I meant the ones in my brain! How else do you pick up psychic waves?

Heero: …yeah, I felt something too. But it stopped suddenly. Why?

Dr. J: Must've been the Zero system. That does all kinds of things to your brain!

Heero: Psychic powers, huh? What else can they do?

Dr. J: Spew fire, electricity, water, cold, stimulate plant growth, such things.

Heero: How the hell can we defend against that?

Dr. J: I've been working on a new shield system. I should be finished with it very soon. When I'm done, I'll install it in your Gundams.

Ryo: We wouldn't have any problems if I could summon my armor.

Heero: We'll deal with all of this later. For now, let's just get this ship to the nearest junkyard before it depressurize and implodes.


	10. No more!

**Chapter 8**

(No more!)

(Inside Frieza's throne room. Zarbon walks in)

Zarbon: Master Frieza, we've just received news that Titania was just obliterated.

Frieza: Grrrrr, I explicitly ordered that the planets _not_ be damaged in any irreparable way!

Zarbon: I'm terribly sorry Master Frieza. A stray particle beam hit some warehouse on the surface. It must have been packed with explosives, because the entire planet was destroyed.

Frieza: Uh huh...tell me Zarbon, who owned that warehouse?

Zarbon: No one, actually. However, intelligence reports say there was a man seen going in and out occasionally. His name is Dr. J.

Frieza: How did he get so many explosives without us knowing?

Zarbon: We don't know. He never brought in explosive material of any kind.

Frieza: ...well anyway, this has gone too far. I won't let some child throwing a temper tantrum terrorize my kingdom and destroy my planets! I think it's time I dealt with this personally.

Zarbon: Of course Master Frieza. Shall I arrange a time and place?

Frieza: Yes, yes. Go ahead. (thinking) _Ok boy, you've had your little rebellion. Too bad you had to make it against me. Now you will learn the wrath of Frieza!_


	11. Journey begins

**Chapter 9**

(Journey begins)

(At space station 1243 beta)

Dealer: I'm sorry sir, but the best I can give you in trade for that ship is a box of jelly doughnuts.

Heero: Sounds tempting, but I came here for a ship. And I don't mean some 50-year-old model. I want your best. Combat ready if you please.

Dealer: Sir, that ship is a piece of crap.

Heero: What are you talking about!? Look at it shine!

Dealer: Upon closer inspection, 60% of that ship is made of wood and cardboard. The gauges are painted on, that "shine" is a new coat of paint over the rusted shell, and your taste in custom interior decoration is very disturbing to say the least.

Heero: So it needs some touching up.

Dealer: I'm sorry sir.

Heero: Alright. I tried to do this the easy way. (cocks his pistol).

Dealer: Don't make me call security, sir.

Heero: What security?

(Dealer turns around to see Ryo and Trowa standing over unconscious security men)

Dealer: (Scared and desperate) Ok! I'll give you our best model! Take two! I don't care!

Heero: One will do fine, thank you. Dr. J, give me the deed to the ship.

(Dr. J hands Heero piece of paper. Heero and Dealer exchange deeds)

Dealer: Hey! This deed is drawn on lined paper! In crayon! And it's soaked in gasoline! And it looks slightly burned…

Heero: Dr. J, give me the real deed.

Dr. J: That is the real deed!

Trowa: I'd like to point out that I'd feel a lot safer if someone took the fuel out of that.

(A rocket nozzle falls off the ship and bursts into flames)

Dealer: NAAAAHHH!!!

Heero: ...let's go. NOW!!!

(They get Dr. J's lab and run into the new ship. As they leave, the dealership explodes)

Ryo: I kinda wish we could've done that _without _the killing.

Heero: But we didn't. There's nothing we can do but move on.

Trowa: By the way, I forgot to ask; where are we going?

(Silence. Cricket chirps in background)

Ryo: Where's that cricket noise coming from?

Heero: Shut up, Dr. J.

Dr. J: Aw...

(Cricket noise stops)

Ryo: I say we get back at those guys for destroying our planet!

Trowa: Yeah. They'll pay for destroying my business!

Ryo: And mine!

Heero: Hmm…I don't know.

Dr. J: Another one of the transmissions I received said the leader of the Pokemon was a blasphemous little boy. Frieza's army doesn't stand a chance! And besides, I love revenge!

Heero: Get back in your lab and work on those Gundams.

Dr. J: Yes sir. (Walks away shamefully)

Trowa: So where do we start?

Ryo: Hey, why not join Frieza's army?

Heero: We're currently in the possession of two illegal Gundams. And they're our only method of attack.

Trowa: I'm sure they won't care. They have a war to win now; they don't have to worry about being politically correct.

Heero: Hm…well, let's-

Ryo: Wait! First let's find out how to call my armor. I could take out a whole planet with that!

Heero: Fine. What do you want us to do?

Ryo: Let's go visit a friend of mine. He's on planet Yakoflat.

Trowa: Who names these planets?

Ryo: The nuts that discover them.

(Dr. J peaks around a corner)

Dr. J: I named a planet!

Heero: Nobody cares; get back to work.

Dr. J: Aw...(leaves)

Heero: Alright Trowa, set a course.


	12. Rest stop

**Chapter 10**

(Rest stop)

(Heero and company are flying through space)

Trowa: We're low on supplies. We'll have to stop at this next planet.

(They descend and dock on waterfront)

Ryo: We're going to need some money to pay the docking fees for our ship.

Heero: Well, I have ten dollars and three cents. What about you guys?

Ryo: I have thirty. What about you, Trowa?

Trowa: Someone dropped this screwdriver by the dock!

Ryo: Well that's all well and good, but we asked how much money you have.

Trowa: You guys have money? Can I see? I haven't seen any for a long time. Whose face is on it?

Ryo: This penny has a very sad looking Goku. This dollar has Frieza, and this ten has Zarbon. I haven't seen anything higher since the joining, so I don't know.

Heero: Don't worry about it. If we can't get enough money, we can always shoot our way out. We should focus on learning about Frieza's army and what they're planning.

Trowa: We should also stay alert to any useful information about the Pokemon as well.

Dr. J: (Peeks out from behind Heero) Can I come too?

Heero: You're supposed to be working on those shields. It's the reason we've kept you with us instead of locking you in a mental institution.

Dr. J: But I want to have fun!

(Heero closes his eyes and cocks his pistol)

Dr. J: I'm going...

(Walks off)

Ryo: Let's not forget to enjoy ourselves. After all, this planet is known for its perfect beaches, wild clubs, and beautiful women.

Heero: So what should we do?

Trowa: Let's hit the beaches for a while, then later tonight we can search a bar for info.

Ryo: Sounds good to me!

(Heero looks blankly ahead as they walk)

Heero: (Thinking) _So here we are, fighting for peace again. Is this all in vain? Will true peace come of this, or will we waste countless lives just so history can repeat itself again?_

(Ryo notices Heero's troubled look)

Ryo: (Waves hand in Heero's face) Yo! Are you ok, Heero?

Heero: Yeah, just pondering the course I'm about to take.

Ryo: Which is?

Heero: I'm not sure.

(They walk onto the beach and laze around. Heero notices a familiar figure nearby)

Duo: (Talking to some guy) Hey, my friend! How's it going? Wha'cha doin'?

Man: Who are you and why are you talking to me?

Duo: You know me; I'm your old pal Duo! Hey, let's go for a swim, what do ya say?

Man: I'll give you five bucks to go away.

Duo: The standard fee is twenty.

Man: Fine! Take it! Just go away! (Gives Duo twenty bucks)

Duo: Hey thanks bud! See you tomorrow!

Man: No! Here's fifty! Stay away from me forever!

Duo: The standard fee for that is two thousand.

(Man screams and runs off)

Duo: Bye! See ya tomorrow!

(Duo notices Heero)

Duo: Wow, Heero and Trowa!!! How did you guys end up here?

Heero: Our planet and businesses were destroyed.

Duo: I'm sorry to hear that. My business is going great!

Heero: You mean your job at the scrap yard?

Duo: Nah, Hilde and I broke up and then she fired me. Now I bother people until they pay me to go away.

Heero: I see...well, it looks like you found your calling in life. So, uh, how's that been going?

Duo: Great! I've scared almost everyone off this planet, and I'm so rich I collect starfighters! I'm hoping to retire soon, though. It's a dangerous job, because occasionally I find people who are more interesting in pounding the living daylights out of me than in giving me money. But at least I have plenty of life insurance! So...who's that with you?

Heero: His name is Ryo. He drove the truck that delivered most of my products. He used to be a mystical warrior, or something, but he won his battle and forgot how to summon his armor.

Duo: Gee, that's too bad. So listen Heero, maybe we can hang around for a while today, you know, catch up a little, discuss the good old days, that sort of thing. What do ya say?

Heero: (Cold stare)...

Duo: Oh right, I forgot you were immune to me. So what are you doing now?

Heero: ...Trowa, could you talk to him for a while? I need a break.

Trowa: Sure thing, Heero.

(Heero leaves and lays on a lounge chair)

Trowa: Now if you must know, Duo, we're going to join Frieza's army to help destroy the Pokemon. Right now we're just stopping for supplies.

Duo: Yeah, those Pokemon lovers are all over here. Say, do you still have your gundams?

Trowa: No.

Duo: Oh. (Whispers) Well, don't go passing this around, but I rebuilt mine. Not that I have a use for it or anything; it's just a comforting thing to have around for emergencies.

Trowa: Well, feel free to...uh...j...joi...j-join us.

Duo: Naw, I should stay and run my business. Someone has to keep this place from becoming over populated.

(Everyone let's out a sigh of relief)

Duo: Well, unless you're gonna pay me, I better get back to work.

Trowa: Please, feel free to leave.

Duo: Sure. Maybe I'll see you again sometime. See ya!

(Duo leaves and Heero walks back)

Heero: (Sigh) I forgot just how annoying he could be.

(They all go for a swim, have some fun, and get some supplies. Then they lie around. At about 7:00 P.M., scene opens with the three of them lying on their backs on an empty beach)

Heero: So Ryo, why do you fight?

Ryo: Well, when I was a Ronin Warrior I fought to save the entire mortal world because only I could.

Heero: You had it easy. When I was a gundam pilot, I was always pondering 'why do people fight', 'is true peace possible', and 'who should I be fighting for'.

Ryo: Man. I just had one clear enemy: the one trying to enslave my planet. Did you ever find the answers?

Heero: I determined that in order to achieve peace the hearts of the people must hope for it, and that I should fight those who oppose peace.

Ryo: Hmm. That's pretty deep. How about you, Trowa?

Trowa: I fight to protect those I care for. Those who are close to me…

(Short silence)

Ryo: So what do you think of Frieza's government?

Trowa: I've heard a lot of rumors that he's a tyrant who takes whatever from whomever he pleases.

Heero: Yes, but we don't know if there's any truth to them. And even if there was, that's probably the best thing to do, considering the chaos caused by the joining.

Trowa: Yes. Frieza needs raw materials in order to establish a government, and with such little order in the universe, force is the best way to get what you need.

Heero: Right. We've just recently established a system of currency. As I see it, Frieza is giving rise to peace from a chaotic incident, and we must fight to protect what peace we have.

Ryo: Wow...you guys really think these things through, huh? I usually just do what I feel and fight for what seems right.

Heero: There's nothing wrong with that. It's the only way to live a good life, really. But that's not the attitude of a soldier. That's more like the attitude of a samurai.

Ryo: But how can you be a soldier if you don't have a master?

Heero: When we join Frieza's army, I'll be a soldier again. But for now, I think I'll treat myself to your samurai's life.

Ryo: Hmm.

(They lie for a while longer, then head to a bar)

Ryo: This seems like a good place to look. Let's spread out and see what we can learn.

(They all order drinks and go their separate ways. Ryo notices someone very familiar)

Ryo: Mia! What are you doing here?

Mia: Ryo? Is that you? I thought you were a truck driver on Titania.

Ryo: Haven't you heard? The whole planet was destroyed by Pokemon. I'm a Ronin warrior again, out to destroy the Pokemon dynasty!

Mia: Really? Well I'm glad to hear you're keeping busy.

Ryo: So how are Yuli and the guys?

Mia: Yuli went back to his parents. I have no idea what happened to them when the universes collided. Sai is a nuclear physicist, Rowen works with NASA, Kento is a professional boxer, and Sage is a world-renowned philosopher, writer, and poet.

Ryo: (Murmurs) Bastards.

Mia: Well it's not their fault you ended up driving a truck.

Ryo: Yeah, it's your fault. You were going to help put me through collage!

Mia: Well you shouldn't have entrusted your entire future with me! You need to take responsibility for yourself! Besides, that was a long time ago. Let's just chat for a while.

Ryo: Long time?! It's only been five years!!!

(Duo walks out of the bathroom and sits next to Mia)

Duo: Drinks all around! (Flashes wad of money)

Crowd: Hurrah!!!

Ryo: Hey Duo, what are you doing here?

Duo: I just came here with my girlfriend. (Puts his arm around Mia)

(Ryo punches Duo across his face. He falls unconscious)

Mia: Ryo! You're such a brute! I hate you!

Ryo: But Mia!

(Heero comes up)

Heero: Ryo, I know Duo can be annoying, but punching him isn't the answer. Just pay him like everyone else. Or, you could come get me.

Ryo: He's dating my Ex.

Heero: Oh. Is that her? (Points to Mia, tending to Duo)

Ryo: Yeah.

Heero: Well, you should probably just forget you saw her. I don't think she wants to see you right now.

(Heero walks back to where he was and listens to a conversation between two teens in uniform)

Teen #1: I can't believe we actually made it into the Pokemon army!

Teen #2: Yeah, dude, this is so awesome! We're gonna totally thrash Frieza!

Teen #1: Yeah, Pokemon is totally invincible. It'll last forever!

(They walk up to Heero. Heero can smell the heavy alcohol on their breath)

Teen #1: Hey, you agree with us right? Frieza's evil reign is about to end!

Heero: If you say so.

Teen #1: Hey, what are you, some kind of Frieza lover? Hey everyone, we have a Frieza lover here. Let's get rid of this faggot!

(Heero stands up slowly, eyes closed, opens his eyes, and punches the man out. The other teen retaliates, but Heero flips him over his shoulder. Other kids in uniform come up to fight. Then, for no reason, everyone else begins to fight the person they're talking to. Heero turns a table on its side and backs against a wall to guard against flying glasses and stools. Trowa joins Heero, but Ryo stays in the open and has fun beating people into the ground and showing off his fighting skills to protect Mia and, yes, even Duo. A flying bottle hits a light and starts a fire on the roof. A flaming wooden beam immediately falls and lands on Heero's leg)

Heero: Ahh!!! (More in surprise than pain)

(Some drunken hic grabs a fire extinguisher and rams it into a wall at top speed. It explodes, killing the drunk, and filling the room with foam. This extinguishes the flames)

Trowa: Thank you dead, drunken man!

(A police siren sounds in background. Everyone runs, but Heero can't. Ryo and Trowa lift the beam, but Heero's leg is broken. They start to carry him out, but hear the police car park in front. They get ready to fight, but in walks Dr. J in a police uniform)

Dr. J: Hi, guys!

Heero: What are you doing out of your room…in a police uniform?

Dr. J: Well, I got bored, so I went out and got arrested. After incapacitating the policemen, I stole one of their uniforms and hijacked their car. When I heard the bartender's call for assistance over the radio, I figured it was you and decided to come have some fun!

Heero: ...Ok. We're locking you up when we get back. But for now, let's just get off this planet before the real police arrive.


	13. First encounter

**Chapter 11**

(First encounter)

(Frieza and Ash are floating in space, face to face. They stare cold and hard at each other)

Frieza: So, are you about ready to die, or do you need some more time to pray or something?

Ash: Ha! You're going down, Frieza!

Frieza: Really, do you actually think you and your little army of nymphs stand a chance against the greatest power the universe has ever known?

Ash: The greatest power? Until now! Go, Pikachu!

(Throws a pokeball and pikachu comes out in a space suit)

Ash: Thunder shock!

(The pikachu tries to launch electricity at Frieza, but it fails to travel beyond the range of its face)

Frieza: ...in case you haven't already noticed, outer space isn't a very good conductor.

Ash: Oh right, I forgot. Pikachu, return!

(Ash tries to recall Pikachu, but Frieza sends a Frieza beam through its head)

Ash: No, Pikachu!

Frieza: (lets out short laughter) I haven't done this in so long, I've forgotten how much fun it is!

Ash: You'll pay for that! Charazard, go!

(Charazard is summoned)

Ash: Fry him!

(Charazard tries to breath fire, but can't)

Frieza: ...you really aren't the brightest one in the class, are you? How did you become the leader of an army?

Ash: Oh yeah, no air in space...damn.

(Charazard begins to suffocate)

Ash: Uh oh.

(Frieza obliterates it)

Frieza: Care to try again?

Ash: Grrrahhhhhh!!

(Ash throws a lot of pokeballs, but they all explode before they reach one foots distance from Ash)

Ash: Ah! My friends! (Sheds a few tears)

Frieza: This is sad...(Thinking) _And this is the leader of an army that's terrorizing my kingdom? For God's sake, I could have sent Goku's wife to do this!_

Ash: You'll pay...for what you've done to my friends.

Frieza: Finally. Let's get this over with. It's only an hour until my 12:00 drinking break.

Ash: Well break time is over!

Frieza: ...that didn't even make sense.

(Ash feels stupid, screams, and runs at Frieza. He then realizes there is no ground to run on)

Frieza: I'm beginning to realize that you're not very used to space, are you?

Ash: No...

Frieza: How about I let you go and you train in space for a while, and we can try this again tomorrow? What do you say?

Ash: Hey, thanks!

Frieza: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to sound sarcastic.

(Frieza shoves Ash's forehead and he twirls off. Frieza laughs. Then Ash gets mad and flies at him. Begin Dragonball Z style combat. Fight is even at first)

Frieza: Is that all? You're wasting my time. I think my houseboy is stronger than you!

Ash: We'll see!

(Ash begins to dominate over Frieza)

Frieza: (Bruised and angry) Grrr. You impudent little urchin! I am Frieza, the most powerful being in the universe, and you are nothing but a 12-year-old boy!!!

(Fight continues. Somewhere in there, Frieza fires a full power energy blast. When it hits, there is an explosion, and when the smoke clears...Ash is gone! gasp!)

Frieza: (Gasping for breath in the vacuum) Ha...ha...ha ha ha ha! I did it! I haven't felt so good in years! I am lord of the universe! Ahahahahahahaha!!! (Talking to the place where Ash was) Well, you were the best opponent I've had in quite some time, but all things must end sooner or later. You should have run while you had the chance.

(Frieza turns around to go home and notices Ash standing behind him, fairly untouched)

Frieza: Ah…ah!...wha…what are you?!

Ash: I am Ash Catchum, and as of right now, I am the most powerful being in the universe!

Frieza: Ahhh!!!

(Ash moves his hand in position to blast Frieza's head, but refrains)

Frieza: What are you doing? Get on with it!

Ash: No.

Frieza: What do you mean no?

Ash: I think I'll leave you here, embarrassed and shamed. Once the people hear how easily I beat you, they'll flock to me. Goodbye Frieza. Let us prolong this game as long as we can. I want to enjoy every minute of it. I'll see you again once the universe is mine!

(Ash flies away)

Frieza: You fool...you'll regret letting me live. I'll make you pay. You'll see what happens when you mess with the most powerful being in the universe!


	14. Just another day

**Chapter 12**

(Just another day)

(Ren and Stimpy are walking down a street. A man is shot from above)

Stimpy: (Points up) Hey look Ren, Snipes!

(Camera moves behind them, looking up at hundreds of snipers on building tops, shooting everything in sight. Ten minutes of this go by. Stuff occasionally runs by or explodes. Some snipers fall down. Then the view goes to the city exploding. Then it zooms out of an artist's eye)

Artist: (Painting picture of exploding city with a slow slapping motion, as if he were on drugs) Woah...strange dreams...

(Artist is sniped. The end sign appears. Ryo approaches Heero and Trowa on the couch)

Ryo: What are you guys watching?

Trowa: It's called The Snipe Show. That was the first episode. It's pretty good.

Ryo: I'll have to see it next time. How's your leg, Heero?

Heero: It's healing. It should be back to normal in another week. Speaking of that night, did you remember to install the lock on Dr. J's door, Trowa?

Trowa: Yes, he should be out of our way from now on.

Ryo: Well, I've been on break long enough. I'd better get back on watch duty.

(Ryo walks into cockpit)

Ryo: (Over the intercom) Guys?

Heero: What?

Ryo: Could you come in here?

(They go to the cockpit. They see Dr. J through the windshield, floating by, with a happy grin, waving (with no space suit on). Heero fires his pistol at him)

Ryo: Heero, are you nuts?!

(Ryo grabs the gun)

Ryo: Thank God this glass is bullet proof. Heero, what are you thinking?!

Heero: Sorry. He's beginning to get to me. How did he get out anyway? And how is he breathing?

Ryo: I'll drag him in and ask him.

(Grappling arm appears from side of windshield and grabs Dr. J like a prize grabber. Gang goes to airlock and talks to him)

Heero: What the hell are you doing out of your room?!

Dr. J: Well, I just invented this device that allows me to withstand the pressures of outer space, so I decided to test it.

Heero: You're supposed to be working on our Gundams!!!

Trowa: How did you even get out? I locked the door.

Dr. J: Really? I didn't even notice!

Heero: Get back to work before I forget you have a use!

Dr. J: Oh, very well...

(Heero limps back to the T.V with Trowa)

Heero: We're going to need a better lock.

Trowa: I just hope we find one before he drives you insane.

Heero: We all hope that, Trowa.


	15. Ronin Reunion

**Chapter 13**

(Ronin Reunion)

(On the ship)

Trowa: There it is. Planet Yakoflat.

Ryo: Alright! Now I can ask Sai what the word to call my armor is.

Heero: Engaging landing sequence.

(Ship lands in parking lot...designed for cars)

Ryo: Umm...I think we're illegally parked.

Dr. J: Certainly not! This is a parking lot, isn't it?!

Heero: ...Dr. J, did you hack the navigation controls and land us here?

Dr. J: Of course not! I programmed a robot to do it for me!

Heero: Why are you out of your cage?

Dr. J: (hanging head in shame) I'm leaving...

(Parking lot is next to nuclear power facility and a restaurant, which is across the street)

Ryo: Sai works in that power planet.

Heero: Ok guys, here's the plan. I'll sedate the guards and hop the fence. We can avoid security until we reach the compound, but once we get inside, we'll-

Ryo: Or we could ask permission to see him and enter through the front door.

Heero: You really think they're gonna let you into a nuclear plant just because you say you know someone who works there?

Ryo: Couldn't hurt to try.

Heero: If it doesn't work, they'll have our faces on the security tape. Then even if we do manage to break in and escape with the information, they'll put out an APB on us.

Ryo: …until we meet Sai, who can vouch for us.

Heero: I don't like it.

Ryo: Fine, we'll "distract" the guards by asking them to let us in while you sneak around.

Heero: Mission accepted.

Ryo: ...yeah.

(They walk up to the front gate and ask to see Sai)

Guard: One moment (whispers into intercom). Ok. Right this way.

(The guard escorts them into the plant. He leads them to Sai, who's holding a clipboard, wearing a lab coat, and shouting at people)

Sai: YOU INCOMPETENT MORONS!! YOU CAN ONLY PUT ONE KIND OF URANIUM IN THE REACTOR!!! YOU'RE FIRED!!!! GET OUTTA' HERE!!!

Ryo: Hey Sai!

Sai: I SAID YOU'RE FIR- (turns to see Ryo) …huh? Ryo, is that you? What are you doing here?

Ryo: So is this what you do all day? I could do that!

Sai: Wow, I can't believe it's really you! Who's that with you?

Ryo: His name's Trowa. He's a friend of a friend, so I guess he's a friend.

Sai: Hi, nice to meet you. Hey, I'm about to go on my lunch break. Why don't we talk in the restaurant across the street?

(An alarm goes off)

Sai: What? It's an intruder!

Ryo: Nah, don't worry about that. That must be my friend, Heero. He wanted to do this the hard way.

Sai: ...

(Heero runs in and tries to sedate Sai. Sai blocks him with ease)

Sai: Would this be your friend, then?

Ryo: Yup, that's him. Heero, calm down. This is Sai.

Heero: I stole some blueprints, and I think some plutonium. Is that ok?

Sai: I'm afraid not.

Heero: Whatever, Dr. J probably already has some of these anyway.

Sai: Dr. who?

Ryo: We'll talk in the restaurant.

(Sai explains to the guards, and after the company banishes Heero forever they head to the restaurant)

Sai: (opening the door) You guys will love the food here. It's really good.

Dr. J: (behind the counter) Hi, Heero!

(Bottle shatters behind Dr. J. with gunshot)

Sai: Who's that guy?

Heero: That would be Dr. J, (increasing tone) who will now be GOING BACK TO THE SHIP!!!!

Dr. J: But I'm having so much fun!

(Gun shot)

Dr. J: Ow! That one grazed my ear!

Heero: The next one won't miss!

Dr. J: (fearful tone) I'm leaving.

(Dr. J leaves)

Sai: Hey, where's the real owner?

(They notice Bulma bound and gagged behind the counter. They untie her)

Heero: Did he hurt you?

Bulma: No, but he really scared me.

Heero: Sorry about that, but as terrifying as he is, he's harmless on the inside.

Trowa: Someone should really make sure that he's going back to the ship and not the nuclear facility across the street.

(Megaphone alarm goes off)

Megaphone: Warning, meltdown alert. Warning, meltdown alert.

Heero: (angry) DR. J!!!!!!

(Heero runs towards compound, drawing his pistol)

Megaphone: Crisis averted. Have a (in Dr. J's voice) very disturbing (voice changes back) day. (Voice changes to that of security guards) Get away from that!

(Dr. J hauled out by guards, led by owner of the plant. They walk up to Heero)

Owner: (to Heero) Is this yours?

Heero: Unfortunately...

Owner: Well, keep him away from my plant! We caught him peeing on the uranium in the reactor core!!!

Heero: Hold on. Trowa, get out here!

(Trowa walks out)

Trowa: Yeah?

Heero: Go make Dr. J build a lock for himself...and make sure it works.

Trowa: Can do.

Dr. J: Aww...

(Trowa hauls him away)

Trowa: Come on. I think you've had way too much fun today.

(Heero re-enters restaurant)

Sai: Did they catch 'im?

Heero: Yeah. Thankfully.

Bulma: Well, it's nice to meet you all. I'm Bulma, and I'll be your server. What can I get you today?

Sai: I'll have the usual.

Bulma: What about you guys?

Heero: You have any Pixie stix?

Bulma: Sure do!

Heero: Give me 80.

Ryo: Uh, Heero? We don't have that much money.

Sai: Don't worry, it's on me guys.

Heero: In that case I'll also take a sub sandwich and some water.

Ryo: I'll take a burger and a Dr. Frieza.

Bulma: Ok. I'll be back in a minute with your orders.

(Bulma goes into the back)

Sai: So Ryo, why are you here?

Ryo: Well, I was just driving my truck like I do every day, then some stuff happened and Pokemon blew up the planet. Now we're out to destroy them.

Sai: Pokemon, huh? I've been hearing a lot about them lately. Not too many of them on our planet, thankfully.

Ryo: Anyway, I need my armor to fight them, but I can't remember how to call it.

Sai: (agitated) Again?!

Ryo: I know, I'm sorry. I'll write it down this time.

Sai: Fine. You shout-

Ryo: Hold on. I want to try to guess it one more time. Let's see...Armor of Wild Fire, owii!...um...Armor of Wild Fire, moldy cheese!

Sai: …now Ryo, did you really think that shouting "moldy cheese" would bring you mystical armor?

Ryo: Does that at least rhyme with it?

Sai: Not really...

Ryo: Ok, I give up. What is it?

Sai: (Sigh)..."Armor of Wild Fire, Daochi." Got that?

Ryo: Oh yeah! Daochi! I'm such an idiot.

Heero: (Writing the phrase down) No arguments here.

Ryo: Alright, I'll try it later. Thanks Sai.

Sai: Sure. Anything for a fellow Ronin who's down on his luck.

Ryo: You can come with us if you want. We could use your armor.

Sai: Sorry Ryo, but I have a real job.

Ryo: (mumbling) Bastard.

(Bulma comes back in with their orders)

Bulma: Here you go guys. Enjoy!

Heero (eating sandwich): Hey, turn on the T.V, would you?

Ryo: Sure.

(Ryo turns on the T.V.)

Announcer: And now, because of the enormous response we got from our viewers last time, we've decided to make the Snipe Show a regular program on our network!

Heero: All right! Trowa will be psyched!

Sai: Is this any good?

Heero: Prepare to be amazed.

(Episode opens on an episode from "Tenchi Universe" called "No need for a fair" Aeka and Reyoko kick each other's stand down, then face off in an argument. During the embarrassing display of idiocy, Aeka is sniped. Then so is Reyoko. Then bullets pour down on the crowd. Bullets begin to pile and cover the fair grounds. Fifteen minutes later, the head sniper, from up on a hot air balloon, orders "Ok soldiers, cease fire!" They continue sniping. "I said-" he is sniped. Then a bomb is dropped, turning the pile of bullets into a cloud of fire and shrapnel. All are killed. The End.)

Ryo: ...what the hell was that?

Heero: That was the best ever!

Ryo: How could you like that?!

Heero: How could you not?

Ryo: It's just one minute of plot followed by fifteen minutes of mindless death!

Sai: Don't you find that entertaining?

Ryo: No! That's stupid and mindless!

Heero: You're the only one who thinks so.

Ryo: ...(sigh) never mind.

(They continue eating)

Sai: Bulma, I ask you this every day. With all your technical know-how, why don't you work across the street?

Bulma: Oh, you're sweet, but I told you, I enjoy it here. Besides, I knew Goku, so Frieza won't let me get a job that pays more than $6 an hour.

Sai: It's a shame. You'd make a great teammate.

Bulma (blushing): Oh, Sai!

Ryo: I'd watch out for him Bulma. I've seen how he treats his women.

Sai: (slams table) I TOLD YOU, SHE WAS DEAD WHEN I GOT THERE!!!

(There is a long silence during which everyone stares at Sai. Then Trowa rushes in)

Trowa: Guys, switch the T.V. to channel 847, quickly!

(Bulma changes channel)

T.V: And so the rumors are yet unconfirmed as to whether Frieza lost the battle with the Pokemon leader, Ash. Frieza will not give any comment as to the results of the battle, and has not been seen for weeks.

(Everyone stares in complete shock at the T.V)

Ryo: No way!

Sai: It's impossible! How could anyone be more powerful then Frieza?!

Heero: Well, it looks like we'll need a lot more than armor and Gundams to win this.

Sai: What's a Gundam?

Heero: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Ryo: If I can get the armor of inferno I can take anyone on!

Sai: I dunno Ryo. I don't think even the armor of inferno could match Frieza.

Ryo: Then I'll find a way to charge it up! Maybe the ancient would know...

Heero: We've got what we needed, Ryo. We should hurry to the battle before it's too late to help.

Ryo: Alright. It's been good seeing ya, Sai. Maybe we could get together some time after this is all over.

Sai: Sure thing, Ryo. I guess I'll see ya 'round!

(Heero pockets his 80 pixie stix and they head for the ship)

Heero: Wait a minute...who's watching Dr. J?

Megaphone: Warning, Dr. J alert.

Heero: DR. J!!!


	16. Training

**Chapter 14**

(Training)

(Frieza tirelessly trains in one of his training buildings. The ultra reinforced super metal alloy building is slowly being reduced to scrap)

Frieza: (thinking) _He will pay! I will crush him into a million little pieces of bloody meat! Then I'll freeze them into ice cubes for my wine!_

(Zarbon and Goku watch from a window)

Zarbon: Wow. He's really ticked.

Goku: If he keeps this up, he'll destroy the entire planet!

Zarbon: The building seems to be holding out.

(Frieza blasts huge beam at wall. The building collapses)

Zarbon: Or not...

Frieza: Zarbon! When will my time compression unit be ready?!

Zarbon: Very soon Master Frieza. We almost have enough power to activate it.

Frieza: Get more! I will show no mercy!

Goku: Can I train with you?

Frieza: No. Go bring me more wine.

Goku: Bastard...

Frieza: Hm...so you want to spar? Then step right up, monkey! (Makes challenging gesture)

Goku: Alright! I'll show you what a saiya-jin can do!

(They fight. Frieza plays for about a minute, gets bored, and beats Goku into the ground)

Frieza: That was just to remind you why you obey to me. Now go!!! ...and fetch me my wine!

(Goku crawls away)

Frieza: (thinking) _Ha ha. Yes. Now that boy will learn why nobody can tangle with Frieza and get out alive..._


	17. A trip to Okayama

**Chapter 15**

(A trip to Okayama)

(Scene opens on Heero and crew's ship)

Heero: What's for dinner?

Ryo: Dinner?

Heero: ...darn it, I knew we should have taken that box of jelly doughnuts.

Ryo: We still have your pixie stix.

Heero: Hey! Back off! Those are mine!

Ryo: Fine. We'll go shopping tomorrow.

(Dr. J enters)

Dr. J: Hey guys, I need you to do me a little errand.

Heero: Get back to work.

Dr. J: That's just it! I need a piece of cabuondium to finish the shields.

Trowa: Are you insane?!

Dr. J: If you're still asking that question, Trowa, then I'm not too sure you should be judging the sanity of others at all.

Trowa: …haven't you heard that cabuandium is the key piece to the portal devices the Pokemon come from? Everyone's been hording it for years! It's impossible to find!!!

Dr. J: I don't care! I need it for the gundams!

Heero: Wait. Are you sure you need it for the gundams and not just some of the other crap you've been working on?

Dr. J: You saw all that?

Heero: We have a camera in your room.

Dr. J: Really?

Heero: It's on a tripod in the middle of the floor.

Dr. J: Oh that thing. I've been using it as a hat rack!

Heero: You don't have any hats.

Dr. J: Well, none that YOU can see.

Heero: …So far you've built a 3-speed blender, a 50 megaton warhead, a bunch of other crap I can't identify, and (this one I don't understand) a pair of torn running shoes.

Dr. J: They bring me luck!

Ryo: He's saying "Are you going to use this for the gundams, or your own insane devices?"

Dr. J: I swear, it's for the gundams!

Heero: ...fine. We need food anyway. We'll land on the next planet.

Trowa: Did anyone hear me?! I said it's impossible to find!!!

Heero: It's true, they have been gathering up every scrap of cabuandium out there. However, it's not likely that they've taken it from the old, broken products in a landfill.

Ryo: What do they use cabuandium in?

Trowa: I think it was once used in a brand of blender...

(Everyone stares at Dr. J)

Dr. J: I already finished that blender!

Heero: ...but are you going to build a new one?

Dr. J: No! ...but get some extra, anyway. I could always use a rare and highly unstable element.

Heero: ...hey, wait a minute. When did you learn to build things like this? I thought all you knew how to make were Gundams.

Dr. J: When I was brought back to life, the boundless knowledge of all of creation was bestowed upon me. And then I went insane!!!

Heero: ...why did I even ask?

(They land on the next planet about 2 hours later)

Tenchi: If those are more women, I think I'm going to shoot myself.

(The ship lands in his front lawn. Heero and company walk out, lacking Dr. J.)

Tenchi: Thank God!

Heero: Hello. We're sorry for the intrusion. We need a place to stay, and we're out of money and food.

Ryo: Please say you have food!

Tenchi: Sure, we have plenty. Come in. Make yourselves at home.

(They walk in. Tenchi walks off. Aeka and Reyoko are watching T.V on the couch)

Aeka: Oh! Who are you? Are you people lost or something?

Heero: I've been lost ever since the day I was born.

Aeka: That's so very sad.

Heero: Yes it is.

Ryo: Hello ladies! You're looking good.

Aeka: Pig!

Reyoko: Get lost!

(They blast him. He flies across the room. He gets up looking very pissed)

Ryo: Grrr. Armor of Wildfire-

Heero: Ryo!

Ryo: Huh? Oh…right.

Heero: We're their guests. It's not polite to do battle in their house.

Ryo: Sorry. I'm not used to women blasting me. They usually just slap me.

Trowa: That's the kind of thing I'd expect from Duo...

Aeka: Oh, you're friends of Tenchi?

Heero: Well, not really, we're just staying here tonight.

Aeka: Oh, well I'm Aeka and this is Reyoko. Please enjoy your stay at the Masaki house!

Reyoko: Be quiet little miss manners.

Aeka: At least I have the common courtesy to greet our guests!

Reyoko: Oh yeah?! Blah blah blah!

(Boring argument ensues. The gang walks away. Their stomachs lead them to the kitchen, where they find a little girl)

Trowa: Hello there. What's your name?

Little Girl: Sasami.

Trowa: What are you doing, Sasami?

Sasami: Making dinner.

Trowa: Why's a little girl like you cooking when there are full-grown women in the next room?

Sasami: You mean my sister and Reyoko? They suffer from a disability.

Trowa: What's that?

Sasami: Laziness, idiocy, sloth, incompetence, that sort of thing.

Trowa: I see…

(They return to the living room to find Dr. J crawling toward Aeka and Reyoko. They are curled up on the other end of the couch, looking very scared)

Dr. J: ...and it turns out I had the detonator the whole time! Ha ha ha ha! Oh, hi Heero!

Heero: Didn't you build a lock on your door?

Dr. J: Well, yes, but it was very faulty.

Heero: Get back to the ship.

Dr. J: But me and these fine ladies are enjoying a story of my life!

(Bullet whizzes by his head)

Dr. J: Well then ladies, I'm afraid we'll have to finish this the next time Heero lets his guard down. Farewell!

(Dr. J leaves)

Aeka: Who was that disturbing man?

Heero: Dr. J. He's insane, but you probably noticed.

Aeka: I see…what did you say your name was?

Heero: My name is Heero Yuy. This is Ryo Sanada and Trowa Barton.

Aeka: Uh, nice to meet you…um, do you normally fire your weapons indoors?

Heero: With him around, almost daily.

(Dinner bell rings)

Sasami: Alright everyone! Come and get it!

(Everyone sits down and eats)


	18. Dinner

**Chapter 16**

(Dinner)

(Everyone is eating)

Tenchi: So, what brings you to this part of the universe?

Ryo: Well, our planet was destroyed by Pokemon and we're off to join Frieza's army.

Tenchi: Pokemon?

Ryo: ...wow. You haven't heard about Pokemon?

Tenchi: (sigh) We don't hear anything out here! We haven't gotten a decent communication system set up yet.

Ryo: Well, Pokemon are little elvish creatures that are taking over the universe.

Sasami: Oh! I think I've seen one! They're cute!

(The gang stares long and hard at her. She shrinks back in her chair)

Sasami: I guess that couldn't have been one of them...

Heero: That's right...

Trowa: So what do you do here?

Tenchi: I work the fields and help my grandfather run his shrine.

Ryo: What about you ladies?

Aeka: I was the princess of the planet Jurai.

Ryo: Was?

Aeka: I'm told it was destroyed in The Joining, but I can't be sure.

Reyoko: Space pirate.

Washuu: Mad scientist.

Mihoshi: Me and Kione are space police!

Kiyone: We're run by Frieza now.

Ryo: Well...we sure have an interesting bunch here. So…are any of you lovely ladies available?

Tenchi: Uh, I wouldn't recommend-

Aeka: Hmph! Brute.

Reyoko: Yeah! You've got some nerve buddy! Besides, I'm already taken (appears behind Tenchi and cuddles him)

Aeka: What?! Get off of him! How dare you soil Lord Tenchi's good name by insinuating that you two are in a relationship!

Reyoko: Oh, when will you accept our love and move on Aeka? It's really sad.

Aeka: GET OFF OF HIM!!!

Reyoko: Tenchi doesn't mind, do you Tenchi?

Tenchi: (struggling) Reyoko, cut it out!

Reyoko: See? He loves it.

Aeka: Let go! Let go this minute or I'll…I'LL!

Reyoko: You'll what?

Mihoshi: Guys, please stop fighting.

Reyoko: Tenchi is mine!

Aeka: Asaka! Kamadake! Save Lord Tenchi!

(Everyone suddenly breaks into a huge battle with no regard for life in any form. Tenchi flees. Heero and crew decide to follow. They retreat to a nearby hill and watch from a distance)

Ryo: Woah. Catfight!

Trowa: Kinda living on a powder keg, huh?

Tenchi: Tell me about it. Every day I face certain death. I have to watch every word I say, or that happens (points to exploding house).

Ryo: Why don't you just get rid of them?

Tenchi: Are you kidding?! Look what they did to my house! And that was just a little argument! They're all completely psychotic! If I kicked them out, there's no telling what they'd do!

Ryo: Man. That's rough…say, maybe I could take one or two of them off your hands…

Heero: Knock it off Ryo. We've got enough psychos on this trip.

Ryo: Aw, come on. We could at least take that little girl away from all these people. It can't be good for her.

Tenchi: I know. I feel a little sorry for her, but she's the peacekeeper. Without her, this kind of fighting would never end. Besides, she's the only one who knows how to cook.

Ryo: Hm…you know, that blond one really didn't look too dangerous. Maybe I could-

Heero: All right you two. That's enough garbage for tonight. Let's talk business. (turns to Tenchi) Where's the nearest landfill?

Tenchi: ...what?

Heero: Just tell us.

Tenchi: Well, I guess that would be Tokyo landfill. It's a few miles from here.

Heero: Thanks. Now let's go to bed. We'll sleep in our ship.

Tenchi: That's fine. I don't have any extra rooms anyway.

(They return to their ship)


	19. The dream machine

**Chapter 17**

(The dream machine)

(Scene opens in the Masaki house, late morning. Everyone except Washuu is gathered in the living room for a goodbye)

Tenchi: Well, thanks for coming by! Feel free to stop by again if you're in the neighborhood!

Trowa: We don't plan on passing by here again, but we appreciate your hospitality.

Tenchi: Ok then. Goodbye now!

All the women: Goodbye!

(As they are preparing to leave, the door to Washuu's lab explodes. She bursts out, slightly charred)

Washuu: I've done it! I truly am the greatest genius the world has ever known!

Washuu Puppet1: Hurray for the genius Washuu!

Washuu Puppet2: All hail Washuu!

Tenchi: Now what?

Washuu: Do you remember that machine that made everybody's dreams come true? The dimension tuner?

Tenchi: You mean the one that sent us hopelessly spiraling through dimensions for days?

Washuu: Yeah that's the one. Anyway, I rebuilt it!

Tenchi: What?! Why would you rebuild such a horrible thing?!

Washuu: Relax! I worked all the bugs out this time. The machine will only listen to one person at a time, and it won't combine peoples' requests like last time...so who wants to test it?

All the Women except Washuu: ...Me first! (And they all run shouting into Washuu's lab)

Ryo: Hey! Let's go check this out!

Heero: We should really get going.

Ryo: Aw, come on!

(Everyone else enters Washuu's lab)

Aeka: I wish Tenchi were mine!

Reyoko: No! I wish for Tenchi!

Kiyone: I wish Mihoshi were dead!

Mihoshi: No! I want to be with Kiyone forever!

Reyoko: I wish I were the most powerful being in the universe!

Aeka: I wish you were dead!

Sasami: I wish everyone would stop fighting.

(The machine does it's best to absorb the requests being mindlessly shouted at it)

Heero: ...so what did you say this machine does?

Washuu: Well, it creates an alternate dimension with the specifications you put into it. In a way, it makes your dreams become reality. It wasn't easy to build, but with my genius, it was manageable! Oh, and your friend Dr. J helped too. He's pretty good too.

Heero: (Angry/scared) Did you say that Dr. J helped you build that machine?

Washuu: Yes.

Heero: EVERYONE GET AWAY FROM THE MACHI-!!

(But it was too late. They are hurled through time and space, arriving in a magical land of gumdrops and happy things. Psychedelic plants and animals run abound spreading happiness, as well as some slightly disturbing dancing clowns. The air sparkles with magical happiness. Heero, Ryo (in full armor for some reason), Trowa, and Washuu appear in a happy field)

Ryo: Where are we? And why am I in my armor?

Heero: This must be Sasami's world.

Washuu: This can't be! I worked all the bugs out of it! How could this have happened?!

(A screen with Dr. J appears in midair in front of them)

Dr. J: Hi everyone!

(Heero draws his pistol and aims at the screen, but holds his fire)

Washuu: Dr. J, what's going on?

Dr. J: Well, your machine was too boring and orderly, so I decided to add a little chaos and make it more interesting!

Washuu: You tampered with my machine!? I'll kill you!!!

(Washuu runs at the screen like a deranged leprechaun. She passes through it)

Heero: Let us out, Dr. J.

Dr. J: Well that wouldn't be any fun, now would it? Tell you what. If you can find me on each of these worlds, I'll let you out.

Heero: You do realize that once we find you, you'll be dead before you have a chance to send us to another world, don't you?

Dr. J: Oh fine! You just have to find me once. Deal?

Heero: No games, Dr. J.

(Heero fires, but no bullet comes out)

Heero: Hey...this gun is made of plastic! Ryo!

Ryo: I can't! My swords are made of rubber!

Heero: Damn you, Dr. J!!!

(All the happiness suddenly stops, and everything turns slowly to Heero. The clowns begin to walk up, patting nightsticks in their hands and stroking sledgehammers. The sky turns dark and crimson)

Trowa: This doesn't look good.

Clown: There is to be no vulgar language in this land of happy things.

(The clowns begin to dance around them and some evil clowny music begins to play. A bolt of lightning strikes, transforming the clowns' smiles into evil, menacing grins in the flash)

Heero: Um...I...uh...

Washuu: KILL EM'!

(And so they attack. Heero fights, Trowa does some acrobatic attacks, and Ryo just plain dominates. Eventually, all the clowns are dead. Then the planet begins to shake)

Ryo: What's going on?

(They look up and notice a large meteor crashing towards them)

Trowa: There's nowhere to run!

Ryo: I'll try my Flare-up Now!

(Ryo attempts his Flare-up Now. The swords melt from the heat of the meteor)

Ryo: Damn!

(More clowns come up)

Ryo: Oh, go to hell!!!

(The ground beneath the clowns opens and they fall into the flames of hell)

Ryo: Uh...good.

Washuu: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

(As the aura of flame surrounding the meteor comes inches above their heads, they are plunged into a dimensional warp. Surrealistic scenery flies by as they all scream)


	20. Dr J's Isle

**Chapter 18**

(Dr. J's Isle)

(The gang appears in blackness. A theme song begins to play as pictures fly by. Start "Gilligan's Island" theme music)

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,  
A tale of a fateful trip,  
That started from this tropic port,  
Aboard this tiny (music pauses) ...thing (Shows picture of a freakish boat-like structure. Music resumes).

The mate was a mighty teenager, (Shows pic of Tenchi)  
The skipper quite insane. (Shows pic of Dr. J, smiling and waving)  
Six passengers set sail that day,  
And then it starts to rain.  
And then it starts to rain!  
  
The weather started getting rough,  
The tiny...thing was tossed,  
If not for the madness of the crazy crew, (Shows pic of Dr. J laughing maniacally in a huge storm while Tenchi runs around panicking)  
The thingy would be lost.  
The thingy would be lost!

The thing struck ground on the shore of this  
Uncharted desert isle.  
With Tenchi, (Shows pic of Tenchi)  
The skipper too, (Pic of Dr. J)  
The millionaire, (Pic of Aeka)  
And her wine! (Pic of confused Sasami holding a bottle of wine)  
The FBI, (Pic of Mihoshi and Kiyone)  
The professor and...someone else, (Pics of Washuu and Reyoko)  
Here on Dr. J's isle! (Bird's-eye view of island)

(The gang finds themselves on a beach of the island they just saw)

Heero: Please, please kill me now.

Trowa: Well, Dr. J shouldn't be too hard to find here, being that he's a main character.

Heero: You'd think that, wouldn't you?

(They walk through woods and find campsite from "Gilligan's Island")

Ryo: Hey, look! Let's check out those huts.

(They each go to a hut. Heero goes to the hut on the far left and looks through the window. He sees Washuu working on some form of explosive)

Washuu: (to herself) This'll fix those damn cannibals! Heh heh heh heh!

(Heero backs away slowly. Ryo looks in the middle hut's window and finds Reyoko and Aeka, dressed in skimpy bathing suits, mindlessly bickering. Sasami stands aside, motionless, a wide-eyed yet lifeless expression on her face, holding a bottle of wine)

Reyoko: Tenchi's sleeping in my hut tonight!

Aeka: You whore! Tenchi sleeps in the skipper's hut!

Reyoko: The skipper is insane! Tenchi wants to sleep with me!

Sasami: (in a weak and unnatural voice) More wine m' lady?

(Ryo continues to stare. Trowa sees Mihoshi and Kiyone in the hut to the far right. Kiyone is shouting)

Kiyone: How many times do I have to tell you to open the coconuts before you cook them!?!

Mihoshi: I'm sorry Kiyone! I promise it won't happen ever again!

Kiyone: It had better not! This is already the third time that I've had to clean up your exploded coconuts!

(Heero and Trowa return to the center of camp. Ryo continues to stare)

Heero: Nothing in there. You have any luck?

Trowa: No.

Heero: What about you Ryo?

(Ryo continues to stare)

Heero: Ryo?...RYO!!

Ryo: What? Oh, um, nothing here either.

(Ryo continues to stare. Heero smacks him upside the head)

Ryo: Ow! Hey!

(Aeka and Reyoko notice them)

Aeka and Reyoko: AAAHH!! CANIBALS!!!!

(Washuu bursts out of her hut)

Washuu: TAKE THIS CANIBALS!!!

(Washuu hurls a hand grenade at them. They dodge it, and it lands between the middle and far right huts. They are both destroyed. Mihoshi, Kiyone, and Reyoko are killed, and Aeka is crippled. Sasami remains standing, unscathed, with the same blank expression)

Aeka: (crawling) Tenchi...

(Aeka collapses, but doesn't die)

Sasami: More wine m' lady?

Heero: Looks like all of them got their wishes. Mihoshi is dead, Kiyone is with her forever, and Reyoko is dead.

Ryo: What a waste...

Trowa: I'd like to pull our attention to the fact that Washuu doesn't seem to remember us and just tried to blow us up.

Washuu: Oops, I missed. Oh well, I still have my crossbow!

(Washuu draws a crossbow and fires a bolt at Ryo. Ryo catches it and smashes it in his hand)

Washuu: Ooookaaay...I'll be running now.

(Washuu flees into the jungle)

Trowa: Apparently the machine has implanted a false set of memories into everyone to fit the world. Except us.

Heero: I guess Dr. J is focusing on us. Come on! Let's follow her! She might lead us to Dr. J!

(They chase her through the jungle, but lose sight of her at the lagoon. They find Tenchi there fishing off shore while listening to the radio. Dr. J is nowhere to be found)

Heero: Tenchi, where's the skipper?!

Tenchi: What?! Who are you?! What's going on?!

Heero: JUST TELL US WHERE THE SKIPPER IS!!!!

Tenchi: I don't know! He just ran off into the jungle.

(Just then, the tip of a mountain opens. An ICBM is fired out of it and heads in the general direction of China. 8 more emerge, firing in different directions. Then the radio makes an announcement)

Radio: (in Dr. J's voice) Attention leaders of the U.N.! As the head of Dr. J's island, I hereby declare war on every country on the planet! You may have noticed some missiles coming your way. Enjoy them!

Tenchi: WHAT!?! But…if he had the materials to build all those missiles, why didn't he just build us a new ship to get back?!

Heero: Because he's insane.

(About then, fighters and bombers from every country approach. Dr. J launches an army of unmanned aircraft at them, and a huge battle ensues. Planes crash all over the island)

Trowa: We need to hurry!

Heero: Head for the silos! Dr. J might be there!

(They run off toward the mountain. Debris crashes all about them as they go, and the jungle is soon on fire. As they near the mountain, one of the planes drops an atom bomb. Ryo catches it, and it detonates in his arms. They are, once again, flung into another dimension)


	21. The great meeting

**Chapter 19**

(The great meeting)

(Scene opens in darkness. Spinning newspaper flies up and fills the screen. The headline reads, "Queen Aeka gone insane!?" The story reads "In her mad attempts to retrieve her kidnapped husband, Tenchi Masaki, and stop the evil dæmon Reyoko, supreme ruler Aeka has called a meeting of the universe's greatest forces. Attending this meeting will be: The Ronin warriors, the Z fighters, all of the Marvel and DC comic nebula, choice members of the Capcom constellation, most of the Square Soft and Nintendo star systems, the Sega confederation, the Sailor Scouts, the Thunder Cats, the FBI, all other capable armies and nations in the universe, and any civilian who feels like it. More or less, everyone in existence is expected to attend. Queen Aeka is offering a supreme reward to whoever claims the bounty. Will the competition between these forces result in the complete and total obliteration of the universe? 20th century FOX says,…it will." Heero, Ryo, and Trowa appear in an enormous conference room, filled with all of the people listed in the newspaper article)

Aeka: Greetings, all! I have invited you here because you are the most powerful forces in the universe...or some pathetic nobody who wants my reward. Your mission, for the illiterate and isolated among you that still don't know, is to destroy the villain Reyoko and rescue my husband Tenchi. Two separate rewards will be given. One to the person who kills Reyoko, another to whomever retrieves Tenchi. Please remember that Tenchi must be alive to receive any form of payment.

Wolverine: GET TO THE REWARD!!!

Sonic: This better be worth it!!!

(Crowd gets into a raucous)

Aeka: Very well! I shall show you the rewards right now. To the one who destroys Reyoko, I shall bestow this charming little Galactic Leyline in a box!

Ryu (from Street Fighter): …what the hell is that?!

Jean Starwind: It grants wishes!

Mario: Then'a why doesn't she use it to destroy'a Reyoko?!

Dr. J's voice coming from everywhere at once: Well what fun would that be?!

(Everyone stops and looks around the room for where that came from)

Heero: (waving his gun over the crowd) Where is he?! Where's Dr. J?!

Crowd: (confused murmurs).

Heero: ...never mind. Just...continue.

Aeka: …You will also receive unlimited credit throughout the universe, along with your own planet, completely filled with wine.

Frieza: What's the vintage?

Aeka: Each bottle is aged to its own specific perfection!

(Half the room drools)

Aeka: For those of you who don't drink, you will instead receive your own galaxy to rule as you see fit! For the one who rescues Tenchi, you will receive this enchanted bag, from which you can pull anything in the universe!

Captain Commando: You expect us to buy that load of bull?!

(Washuu walks onto the stage)

Washuu: It's actually quite simple, really. The bag simply resynthesizes all the matter within to whatever you picture in your mind. Such as this atom bomb!

(Washuu reaches in bag and pulls out atom bomb)

Nights: Can I try?

Aeka: No. Now get going! I suggest that you all try working together, for she truly is the most powerful being in the universe.

Vegeta: To hell with that! That reward is mine!!!

(Everyone except for Heero, Ryo, Trowa, and the other Ronins, but including Aeka, blow through the wall and head for Reyoko)

Kento: Hey Ryo, ain't 'cha comin?

Ryo: No, sorry guys, but I've got stuff to do.

Sage: What do ya mean?! You're a Ronin! What else do you have to do?!

Ryo: Well, you see, this isn't real, and neither are you. So good-bye.

Rowen: ...uh...I feel real.

Ryo: Well you're not. Good-bye.

Sai: But we need your white armor!

Ryo: Hey! You guys didn't help me when Mia and I broke up! I'm not helping you get some stupid reward!

Other Ronins: …what?

Ryo: GET LOST!!!

(Ryo walks over to Heero and Trowa. Other Ronins leave, very confused)

Heero: Well, I guess we can start looking now.

Trowa: He'll probably be in this room somewhere. We did just hear him, and I don't think he'd be fighting Reyoko. It's too dangerous, even for Dr. J.

Heero: A hint would help, Dr. J!

Dr. J's voice: Very well. I was just under your chair during the meeting, but now I'm not!

Heero: ...that's not a hint.

Dr. J: Oh, very well. I've sided with Reyoko!

Heero: ...DAMN YOU DR. J!!!!!!

Trowa: Well, we'd better get to the spaceport before every ship is stolen.

(They go to the spaceport and find a shuttle with their Gundams docked there)

Heero: Convenient. What'll you fight in Ryo?

Ryo: Don't worry. With my armor on, I can breath in space.

Heero: But can you move?

Ryo: I won't need to fight. We just have to find Dr. J.

Heero: But we'll have to get through Reyoko to get to him.

Ryo: I could just use my Flare-up Now from on top of the ship.

Heero: Fine. Let's just hurry before the universe collapses again.

(They get in the shuttle and follow the other ships to Reyoko. Two hours later, they arrive at the battle site in mid-space. All of the other forces are already fighting each other when they arrive. Reyoko is taking great pleasure in blasting them all, one by one. Tenchi is floating behind Reyoko wearing a space suit, tied up. Dr. J is nowhere to be seen.)

Heero: Where's Dr. J?!

Trowa: Did it ever occur to you that he could have been lying?

Heero: Thank you, Trowa, for pointing that out, TWO HOURS TOO LATE!!!!

(Just then, Aeka makes an announcement)

Aeka: Listen to me! Nobody's going to get the reward at this rate! We all have to work together and destroy her! After she's dead and Tenchi is safe, you can all kill each other over the reward for all I care. Now, everyone prepare to launch your strongest attack. Fire it on my order.

Ryo: ...shall we?

Heero: Why not? The universe is going to collapse any minute now anyway.

(Everybody charges up their most powerful attack/weapon. Ryo dons the armor of Inferno with assistance from the nearby Ronins, who followed him in another ship. After ten minutes of powering up, Aeka gives the order to fire. However, Reyoko has also been powering up an attack. Everyone's attacks blend to form one huge force. Reyoko matches its power with a beam)

Ryo: How can that be!? Everyone in the universe is blasting her at once, and she's matching the power!!!

Heero: (firing his buster rifle) She got her wish, and then some.

(About eight seconds after the beams clash, the universe implodes from the sudden concentration of energy. The gang is flung to another dimension. They appear in a deserted city alley)

Heero: I'm getting very tired of this.

(A screen appears with Dr. J on it)

Dr. J: You guys are going to have to do a lot better than that if you want to catch me!

Heero: Oh, shut up.

(Heero hurls nearby brick at the screen. It breaks, revealing a room with Dr. J inside)

Dr. J: Uh oh.

(Trowa and Ryo look confused, but Heero wastes no time. He jumps through the screen, and beats Dr. J to a bloody pulp)

Ryo: Heero! We need him to get back!

Heero: I don't care.

(As Dr. J is reduced to a sack of broken bones, the universe fades away, and everyone is returned to the real world in Tenchi's living room)

Ryo: We did it!

Heero: We?

Tenchi: I'm glad that's over. Washuu, never build that awful machine again!

Washuu: I'm not making any promises.

(Dr. J walks through the door)

Dr. J: Hi Heero!

(Dr. J is shot)

Ryo: Heero!

(Dr. J walks in)

Dr. J: Hey, you shot my robot!

(Dr. J is shot. Dr. J enters)

Dr. J: Hey! You shot my robot's maintenance robot!

(Dr. J is shot)

Ryo: Stop it! You'll hit the real one eventually!

Heero: That's the general idea.

(Dr. J walks in)

Dr. J: Hey, you shot my walking, talking blender that looks like me!

(Ryo and Trowa restrain Heero)

Trowa: We need him to finish our gundams!

Heero: I don't care! Let me at him!

(They eventually calm Heero down and confiscate his pistol)

Trowa: Sorry for the trouble we've caused. We'll just go now.

Tenchi: Ok. Goodbye.

Heero: Hold on. What'll we do with Dr. J? We can't take him with us...into public...and we can't just leave him here and expect him to work like he's supposed to.

Washuu: Just leave him here. I'll keep an eye on him!

Trowa: Are you sure you can handle him? He can be very tricky.

Washuu: Don't worry! Everything will be fine! It's under control!

Trowa: Ok. Thanks. I hope he's not too much trouble.

(Gang leaves and starts to walk to the subway)

Trowa: Do you think they'll be ok?

Heero: I don't know. I just hope we don't return to find a smoldering crater where the house is and our ship stolen.

(The gang "borrows" a subway train from a pantless red guy and heads for Tokyo)


	22. Tokyo town

**Chapter 20**

(Tokyo town)

(The gang disembarks the subway train and leaves the station)

Trowa: I'll go ask for directions to the dump.

(Trowa leaves and talks to some people on the street. The sounds of marching are heard in the distance. Heero and Ryo look down the street and notice an army of pokemon approaching. The army consists of about 60 different pokemon and 3 humans, shouting out orders)

Heero: Looks like we're in for a fight.

Ryo: Alright! I've been waiting to test my armor. Armor of Wildfire!...um...

Heero: (sigh) Dao-chi.

Ryo: Oh, right. **Dao-chi**!!!

(Ryo dons the armor of wildfire. As the army draws nearer, the Sailor Scouts tuxedo mask come up and begin fighting. Trowa notices the battle and throws Heero his pistol, then joins. Begin sailor moon style battle. Heero and Trowa shoot things with their pistols, the sailor scouts do what they normally do, and Ryo has fun slaying them all)

Ryo: I haven't felt this good in years! But I guess it's time to end it. **Flare up now**!!!

(Ryo does his flare up now. All the Pokemon are incinerated, along with a large portion of the city)

Last standing human: You monsters!!!!!

(Human is shot)

Ryo: Yeah!

Sailor moon: Wow! You're really strong! Thanks a lot! But who are you…and did you really have to destroy the city?

Ryo: Oh, yeah, sorry about that. I haven't used that power for a long time and I forgot how to control it. We're just some travelers, off to join Frieza's army. I'm Ryo, and this is Heero and Trowa. Who are you lovely young ladies?

(They all blush)

All together, striking poses: We're the sailor scouts!

Ryo: Ok...so what do you do?

Tuxedo mask: We defend this planet from evil forces. Recently, though, we've been having trouble with the Pokemon. We can't hold them off much longer.

Heero: I'd recommend leaving the planet. But if you intend to stay and fight, you might want to try using shotguns or something. Firearms work well against most of them.

Tuxedo mask: Thanks for the advice. We're going to stay and fight until the end!

Trowa: By the way, do you know where Tokyo dump is?

Sailor moon: It's about twenty miles south of here.

Trowa: Thanks. And good luck in your battles!

(The gang hijacks a bus and drives to the dump. The police, however, notice this time. A high-speed chase ensues with a pantless red policeman. Heero and Trowa are out of ammo, and Ryo doesn't want to decimate the remainder of the city. They continue until they get to the dump. They plow through the gates, stop on a pile of garbage, and jump out. The police car, unable to stop, smashes into the bus. Red guy screams as both vehicles explode. The gang makes it out ok.)

Ryo: Man! That was close...what are we supposed to be doing again?

Trowa: We're supposed to search the trash for a piece of cabuandium.

Ryo: We're going to dig through trash...for Dr. J?

Heero: For our gundams.

Ryo: (sigh) Alright. Let's get going.

(They begin to dig, but are interrupted by three kids)

Eddy: Who are you guys?

Ed: No Eddy, watch out! They're evil space aliens here to eat our sausages!

(Momentary silence)

Ryo: ...uh…

Heero: Run along kids. We have work to do.

Eddy: Hey! For your information, we own this dump!

Ryo: Hey, they're poor just like us!

Trowa: You live here?

Eddy: Well...yeah! And admission is five bucks!

Heero: The last person who asked us for money was a spaceport operator, and I'm not sure he lived through the night.

Edd: Eddy, let's just leave these people alone.

Trowa: Don't you have parents?

Eddy: We used to live in a nice neighborhood, but the kids got fed up with us and shipped us to Japan. We ended up here.

Ryo: Then I guess it wasn't a very nice neighborhood, now was it?

Trowa: Ryo! Do you kids want us to take you home? We have a ship.

Edd: Really? Please, get me out of this unsanitary hole in the ground!

Ed: A hole in your soul can only be filled with tomato paste.

(Gang stares at Ed)

Ed: Oh no! It's the alien's evil death gaze! Save me Eddy!

Eddy: Get a grip! They're going to help us!

Heero: Before we leave, we need some cabuandium.

Edd: I know of some! I found it in a transistor radio!

Ryo: Great! Show us!

(The Eds take them to the radio and present them with an almost paper thin piece of 3 by 5 cabuandium)

Ryo: Alright! This is plenty!

(Heero gets on small hand held radio)

Heero: Come in Washuu. This is Heero. Do you copy? Over.

Ryo: Hey, where did you get that?

Heero: It came with the ship.

(Dr. J responds)

Dr. J: Hi Heero!

Heero: Dr. J, where's Washuu?

Dr. J: Oh, she's right here. I'll put her on.

(Washuu gets on)

Washuu: Hi guys, how'd it go?

Heero: Good. For a minute I was afraid Dr. J had taken over the ship.

Washuu: Oh, no. We've been having lots of fun! We designed some new weapons for your ship, and we were testing them out!

Heero: ...on what?

Washuu: Just a couple major cities and planets. No biggie.

Heero: ...you're just as crazy as Dr. J, aren't you?

Washuu: Hey! That wasn't very nice!

Heero: Could you just beam us aboard?

Washuu: Sure, whatever.

(They are all beamed on the ship. They immediately notice Dr. J at the controls and Washuu bound and gagged)

Heero: Oh, now it all makes sense.

Dr. J: Oh, hi Heero!

Heero: How did you get loose?

Dr. J: Well, Washuu left an open bottle of trichloral monoxide in-

Ryo: What?

Heero: Chloroform.

Dr. J: Yes, she left an open bottle of chloroform in my lab, so I beat her over the head with it!

(Long, long silence)

Dr. J: ...what?

Eddy: Who is this guy?

Ed: He reminds me of the mad scientist from "I was a teenage Chemistry Experiment on planet Science Project".

(Momentary silence and stare)

Ed: Ah! They're doing it again! Help Eddy!

Heero: You don't want to know him.

(Trowa unties Washuu)

Trowa: I told you he was tricky.

Washuu: But you didn't say he was completely insane!

Trowa: Wasn't that a given?

Washuu: I thought he'd at least have the sense to try to use the chloroform! In which case he would have found me immune to it and I would have zapped him with a tazer and laughed.

Dr. J: I've had so much fun today!

Heero: I'm sure you have.

(Heero punches out Dr. J)

Heero: Washuu, do you think you could build a lock to keep him from getting out?

Washuu: I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing he could get loose!

Heero: Good.

(Washuu builds an "impenetrable" room for Dr. J in about 2 hours. Then they drop off Washuu and the Eds, both of whom very thankful. Then they leave and continue on their course)

Trowa: Did anyone remember to get food?

(End chapter in silence)


	23. Dr J!

**Chapter 21**

(Dr. J!!!)

(Scene opens in cockpit. Ryo and Trowa are standing there. Heero enters)

Heero: What is it?

Trowa: We've found a small problem.

Heero: Does Dr. J have anything to do with this?

Trowa: Most likely. It seems that we've been going in the opposite direction of planet Frieza this whole time.

Heero: Then where are we going?

Trowa: We're going to this planet, which is represented on the map as Dr. J's head. It's called planet J.

Heero: Dr. J!!!

(A planet far in the distance suddenly crashes into them instantaneously. Miraculously, the ship is not flying debris hurdling through space)

Trowa: How did that happen?!

Ryo: Where are we?

Heero: How did we survive?

Trowa: Uh oh. This is planet J.

Heero: I guess we'd better look around.

(They leave the ship to find the planet inhabited by people who look exactly like Dr. J. They all look at Heero, start waving, and saying "Hi Heero" over and over)

Heero: Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

(Planet mysteriously explodes. Heero wakes up)

Heero: Ah! What? ...Must kill Dr. J!

(Heero sneaks into Dr. J's room and shoots him in his sleep. An alarm rings. The others come running in)

Ryo: What's happening?

(A screen with Dr. J on it descends form the ceiling)

Dr. J: Hi everyone! If you're watching this, it means I've been killed. I'm guessing it was Heero! Anyway, I've linked the ship's self-detonation device to my life. You have about 10 seconds to live. I'd like to take this opportunity to entertain you with a song I wrote.

(Dr. J begins to hum a clowny tune. The ship's voice sounds)

Ship: Self-detonation activated. Ship will explode in 10, 9, 0.

(The ship explodes. Heero wakes up, very disturbed and panting.)

Heero: Ah! What's happening to me?!

(Heero's world suddenly fades to white. He sees images of Ash and the pokemon spreading fire and destruction throughout the universe. He sees the faces of the terrorized civilians and those killed in the war against the pokemon. He sees the minds of the weak being numbed and controlled be Ash and his army)

Heero: My enemy is...pokemon. (Shows picture of Ash)

Heero: My enemies are pokemon...and Dr. J. (Shows pic of Dr. J waving)

Heero: Hey, wait a minute. This is...this is the Zero system!

(Heero wakes up. He searches his pillow and finds an odd device with a floppy disk labeled "Zero" inside. On the bottom of the device, it reads "Property of Dr. J". He leaves his room to find that it's 8:00 in the morning. Ryo and Trowa are watching T.V. He goes to Dr. J's lab; the others follow him. They find him working on some non-gundam related explosives)

Heero: Dr. J, did you, by any chance, install the Zero system in my bed?

Dr. J: Why yes! I'm glad you noticed! You must have had some interesting dreams!

Heero: (fist clenched so tight it's bleeding) Alright. You've just about out-lived your usefulness. I'm going to jettison you if you don't finish those gundams by...now!!!

Dr. J: Alright!

(Dr. J presses a button by the door. A machine activates and completes all upgrades on the gundams in 10 seconds. Heero looks ready to snap)

Heero: You had time to build a machine to build the gundams for you AND you didn't use it, when you could have just built them yourself?

Dr. J: Actually, I had that done before we left Titania! I was saving it until you got really angry, so I could see the expression on your face. You should see yourself! You look hilarious!

Heero: Well then, Dr. J, you no longer have a use to us. Goodbye.

(Heero prepares to shoot, but Ryo and Trowa stop him)

Ryo: Heero, we can't kill him! He still has uses!

Heero: But they're not worth the trouble he causes.

Trowa: No Heero! He's the only one who knows how to repair and work the shields! If we get rid of him, then the gundams will only be useful for a few battles!

Heero: I guess you're right. (Flash scenes of dream with ship exploding) He'd probably find a way to get back at us, anyway.

Dr. J: Wow! That was a close one! Now can I continue to work on my mindless inventions?

(Heero punches out Dr. J)

Heero: Maybe we should fill his room with a periodic stream of knockout gas.

Trowa: Too expensive.

Heero: Damn. Well then let's just beat him every-so-often.

Ryo: Won't that give him brain damage?

Heero: I think his brain is already as damaged as it can be.

Trowa: Well, he hasn't escaped since Washuu built that lock, so let's just leave him alone for now. He'll be occupied with his machines.

Heero: Alright...Trowa, could you check that we've been going in the right direction?

Trowa: Why?

Heero: Just do it.

Trowa: Ok...

Heero: And check that the ship's self-destruct hasn't been tampered with.

Trowa: This ship doesn't have a self-destruct.

Heero: Make sure Dr. J didn't install one.

Trowa: Sure thing. Oh, and Heero, you might want to check out that hand. Looks like one of your veins exploded, and you seem to have suffered massive blood loss.

Heero: Nah, it'll be fine.


	24. Let's check on Frieza

**Chapter 22**

(Let's check on Frieza...)

(Scene opens in Frieza's throne room. He is drinking and looks very impatient. Zarbon enters)

Zarbon: Master Frieza, your chamber is fully charged.

Frieza: Excellent. Have Goku brought to see. I want to see the look on his face when he sees my new power.

Zarbon: Right away, Master Frieza.

(They gather at the time-chamber door)

Frieza: Well, here we go.

(Just before Frieza enters the chamber, Goku pushes him out of the way and enters)

Frieza: (looking more than a little panicked) Cut the power! Now!!!

Engineer: Right away sir!

(The power is cut. About a second later, Goku exits the chamber somewhere around super saiya-jin 8)

Goku: Now Frieza...your evil reign of terror ends.

Frieza: First of all, my reign isn't evil. Second, I don't cause terror. I've created peace and order in a chaotic universe. Third, get back to work!

Goku: I'm not your houseboy anymore.

Frieza: We'll see about that.

(Insert twenty minute DBZ style fight. Preferably, the fighters move slow enough to see the moves they make [stupid lazy animators…]. The fight has no apparent winner until close to the end. Frieza eventually wins. The fight results in massive damage to Frieza's mansion)

Frieza: For this little insurrection, I'm sentencing you not only to clean up the mess from the fight, but to clean the entire face of the planet!

Goku: (weakly) Aw...

Zarbon: Good thing we cut the power. He only gained 15% of the machine's potential. However, the charge has been really drained. It'll take another five months to recharge.

Frieza: Drain Goku's energy to recharge the machine.

Zarbon: Ow...that'll hurt.

Frieza: Excellent.


	25. Nintendo world

**Chapter 23**

(Nintendo world)

(Scene opens on Heero staring at screen on cockpit. Ryo enters)

Ryo: Watchin' Dr. J again?

Heero: He built himself an NES, and an original Mario Bros. cartridge.

Ryo: Gee, you'd think he'd make something a little less...dated.

Heero: He altered it a little.

Ryo: What do you mean?

Heero: Well, instead of Mario, it's Dr. J. Instead of normal enemies, it's Pokemon. Instead of mushrooms and fire flowers, it's drugs and bombs. Instead of King Koopa, it's Ash.

Ryo: Who's the princess?

Heero: Hold on. He's about to win.

(Shows picture of Original Mario at world 8-4, Dr. J defeating Ash. Dr. J walks to the right and finds...a warhead)

Dr. J (Mario): Hmm...seems to be a thermo nuclear device...weeee!!!

(Dr. J jumps into bomb. Bomb explodes. Cartridge and system explode. T.V. explodes)

Dr. J: Hurray!

Ryo: Weren't there supposed to be two levels?

Heero: That was the second level. In the first one the princess was on fire, so he did a dance and left.

(Trowa enters)

Trowa: I've searched the ship up and down again. I can't find any food.

Ryo: Looks like it's couch stuffing again for us.

Trowa: Actually, we'll be passing close to a planet tonight. There's a place there called "The Mushroom Kingdom".

Ryo: Alright! I love mushrooms!

(Enter Ryo daydream, in which Ryo prances through a land made of mushrooms. He frolics about, eating bits of everything, then wanders into a field of psychedelic shrooms, eats some, and falls on his back in a drug seizure. Return to reality. Heero smacks Ryo upside the head)

Ryo: Sorry. I have a thing for mushrooms. Mia used to bring home a box of them every week, and me and the guys would chow down! One time she brought home a box of psychedelic mushrooms...I think. It's kind of blurry.

Trowa: There's a problem though. We're completely out of money. We spent the last of it on this lead balloon. (Holds up lead balloon) It floats surprisingly well.

Heero: I'm surprised we didn't run out sooner. We only had 40 dollars.

Ryo: I always thought Dr. J was slipping fake money into our wallets…hey, why don't we just get Dr. J to make us food?

(Momentary silence)

Ryo: Oh…right.

Trowa: Maybe we could sell some of his inventions.

Heero: Too dangerous. God only knows what he put in those things.

Trowa: I guess you're right, but there must be a way we can make money legally, considering our talents.

Heero: We'll figure something out later. Let's just land.

(They land somewhere in a Toad town. There's no spaceport, so they just land in an open field at the edge of town. An alarm sounds. A mob of armed townsfolk surrounds the ship and waits. The gang comes out, weapons drawn, ready to fight. The mob looks at them disappointedly)

Townsperson: False alarm!

(The mob disperses and returns to normal town life. Mario greets the gang)

Mario: Sorry about'a that'a. We thought you were'a de Pokemon!

Trowa: So they're this close to planet Frieza already?

Mario: Yes'a. In fact, they were here before'a the joining, but'a we banished them for being evil and'a drawing attention away from us!

Heero: Where did you banish them to?

Mario: The land of'a fire and death.

Ryo: Is that where they're spawning from?

Mario: Oh, no. During'a de joining, the land of'a fire and death, she's-a move over there.

(Mario points to burning wasteland)

Heero: …why didn't we notice that a minute age?

Mario: Why you ask'a me? I'm-a no know where'a you lookin'! Anyway, when'a we found the land of'a fire and death, de Pokemon were'a nowhere to be seen. We assumed that'a they all died. In'a fact, we're-a sure they did. The ones'a terrorizing us now are not'a de same ones.

Trowa: Well, anyway, we need some fuel and f-

Ryo: Do you have any mushrooms?!

Mario: (anger/sarcasm) Do we have any'a mushrooms?! Look over there!!!

(Points to village made of psychedelic mushrooms. Ryo drools)

Mario: You no eat'a de village!!!

Ryo: Aw. Can't I have just one house?

Mario: You have'a to pay for it!

Ryo: Uh...do you accept...(looks around franticly) dirt clods?(holds up dirt clod)

Mario: No, but you could use'a that dirt clod to grow'a your own Goddamn mushrooms!

Ryo: But I'm hungry now!

Mario: Shut up'a you face!

Heero: Yes Ryo, do shut up your face.

Ryo: Sorry...

Trowa: So anyway, can we get some fuel for free? We're out of money.

Mario: I'm-a so sorry. We're-a running out of resources as'a it is. We can not'a just give away our'a starship fuel.

Ryo: Well now what do we do?

Trowa: Maybe we could go earn some money.

Ryo: Either that or rob them blind.

Mario: I'm-a still here!!!

Ryo: Oh...well let's just look around town then.

(They head into the village. Ryo drools at the sight of every building)

Heero: I really hope you can control yourself, Ryo.

Ryo: I'll try...but if I don't eat something soon I think I'm going to start gnawing on one of those toadstool people.

(They pass by a house)

Ryo: (Reads sign on house) "Toad house. Cleanse your body, mind, and wallet. $12." …Interesting motto.

(They pass by a store. They enter. There is a wide selection of classic Mario items, such as fire flowers, Super mushrooms, turnips, stars, POW blocks, etc)

Heero: Fire flower? What the hell is this?

Toad behind counter: It shoots fire. It's usually used as a weapon.

Heero: Hm.

Ryo: Alright! Mushrooms! How much are they? I'm starved!

Toad: Well, I guess you CAN eat them, but they're usually used as starship fuel.

(Silence)

Ryo: ...how much?

Toad: $12.

Ryo: Hmm...

Trowa: We can't afford anything, so let's just go.

(They leave)

Ryo: Hey, what's that castle? (points to large castle in background)

Some toad on the street: That's Princess Peach's castle. She's the ruler of this land.

Ryo: What about Frieza?

Toad: Oh, she answers to him, but we try to get out of paying his taxes. It's worked so far!

Ryo: ...I'd recommend you stop that REALLY soon. You don't want trouble from Frieza.

Toad: We don't have to worry. Mario can protect us!

Ryo: Who's Mario? Another super being?

Toad: He's the guy in the red overalls you met when you came.

(Gang bursts into quick fit of laughter)

Ryo: Ha ha...oh wait, you were serious.

(Before Toad can respond, they hear a loud explosion. They turn to see Bowser approaching from the land of fire and death)

Bowser: I'm here to take over this town and capture your princess!

(Everyone looks at him for a second, shrugs, then continues about their daily business)

Bowser: Hello! I said I'm here to-

Toad: We heard you the first time!

Bowser: Doesn't anybody care!?

People: (Negative mummers)

(Bowser ignites a few buildings)

Bowser: Now do you care!?

Toads: It's been done!

Bowser: Nndaaa!!!!

(About now, Mario arrives)

Mario: I'm-a so sorry, Bowser, but I'm afraid you'sa have'a to leave.

Bowser: Have I done this so many times that you won't even fight me anymore?

Mario: Pretty much'a. You should'a really get a hobby.

Bowser: Grrrr! Attack!

(Koopa troopas attack Mario. Mario demonstrates vast martial skill in dispatching them all)

Mario: Now'a you just run along.

Bowser: Ha! You've just defeated my minions! You're no match for me!

Mario: (Yawn) Could'a we get this over with? I have a date'a with'a de princess.

(The alarm sounds)

Mario: Oh no! De Pokemon are'a comin'! Get'a my fire flower! To arms! To arms!!!

(The gang looks toward the horizon. In all directions, all that is visible is a large black cloud. Upon closer inspection, the cloud is actually a swarm of various pokemon, slowly approaching)

Ryo: Uh oh. Looks like we're in for a real fight!

Trowa: We'd better get our gundams.

Heero: Mm. (nods head)

(Heero and Trowa run to the ship and go into Dr. J's lab)

Heero: Dr. J, there's a huge army of pokemon outside. Have you got any weapons of mass destruction for us?

Dr. J: None today, sorry.

Heero: What?

Dr. J: Sorry, no weapons today.

Heero: How can that be? We were positive you'd been building an arsenal of incredible power.

Dr. J: No, I've been working on things that don't really do anything. Like this pencil! (Holds up cantaloupe)

Heero: ...um...whatever. Do the gundams still work?

Dr. J: They should.

Heero: Great. You stay here and see if you can find something to help us.

(Heero and Trowa get in their gundams and take off)

Trowa: There's so many of them! They must be spawning from portals surrounding the town.

Heero: Our only option is to fly straight through to the portals and stop their regeneration. We'll just have to hope Dr. J's shields hold out until we get there.

Trowa: We're relying on Dr. J?

Heero: I'm scared too.

(They pass over Ryo, who has donned his armor and stands ready to demolish the masses. Mario and Bowser seem to have put their battle on hold and have teamed up to counter this new threat. Luigi bursts out of a hut, flailing a large butcher knife, shouting "I KILLA YOU ALL!!!" and runs toward the mass. The toads are lined up with ray guns)

Heero: Incoming enemies. Get ready.

Trowa: A few well placed bombs would wipe them out pretty quick.

Heero: Wouldn't work; the psychic ones might disarm them before they hit the ground, or send them back at us.

Trowa: Damn.

Heero: Turn your shield on Trowa. We'll definitely need it to get through there.

Trowa: Roger that.

(They fly through the crowd at top speed, killing adjacent pokemon as they pass. They begin a barrage of fire. Heero uses his beam sword and shoulder guns. Trowa uses the many guns on Heavy Arms. The pokemon retaliate with a blurring storm of lightning, fire, acid, rock, plants, ice, water, and physical blows. Their shields prevent 3% of the attacks)

Heero (on communicator): Dr. J, we're getting torn apart! Your shield sucks!

Dr. J: Reconfigure the shield harmonics to a rotating frequency.

Heero: Great idea. What the hell are you talking about!!!???

Dr. J: Push the red button!

Heero: That's the missile button!

Dr. J: Exactly!

Heero: I don't have any! We can't afford missiles!!!

Dr. J: Oh...then I'm afraid I'll have to recommend self-detonation.

Heero: Just tell me what you were saying about the shields!

Dr. J: Oh, if the frequency of your shields were constantly changing, much fewer attacks would penetrate, but don't mind that. Without missiles, you're doomed.

Heero: ...well, ya know Dr. J, shielding is exactly what I need right now.

Dr. J: Really?

Heero: Trowa, did you get that?

Trowa: Yes, but how the hell do we do it?

Heero: Dr. J?

Dr. J: Push the green button in the center of the shield console!

Heero: Roger that.

(They press the green button. Their shields begin to change colors randomly. They block 87% of the attacks)

Heero: Much better.

(They continue to fly through the seemingly endless crowd of pokemon. Meanwhile, Ryo and the toads are having problems of their own)

Ryo: **Flare up now!!!**

(Ryo sends a wave of fire through the crowd, but is surrounded on all other sides)

Ryo: Man, this sucks! There's way too many to hold off! This reminds me of a bad game of space invaders I once played. It won't be long before they reach the town and the ship. Heero! Hurry up and take out those portals!

(Heero and Trowa get through the army and arrive on the other side of the portals. There are humans sitting back by the portals, watching the carnage, drinking booze)

Heero: Cowards.

(Heero slices the officers' vehicles in half, killing them all)

Trowa: The army stretches for about a 50 miles radius around the town. My sensors show there should be about 300 portals spaced about one mile apart.

Heero: (glances around as the army turns around to meet them) That might be too many for us to take, ...but we'll just get as many as we can. You go counter clockwise; I'll go the other way.

Trowa: Roger.

(They fly off, destroying the portals they pass. Even though they're behind the army, they still sustain significant damage from the ones who notice them)

Heero: Damn! My shields are wearing out! I'm not gonna make it.

(Heero's shield suddenly gives out and he is shot down by an ice beam. His gundam lies frozen on the ground. The army begins to surround him. Heero sees his death is imminent)

Heero: Relena...

(As the pokemon draw closer, ready to deal the final blow, a clowny music approaches from the direction of town. Several beams of energy and spinning sharp objects fly by Heero and through the pokemon)

Heero: ...what the hell?

(An army of madly dancing clowns parades its way through the crowd, leaving a carnate mess)

Trowa: Heero, are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Heero: Clowns?

Trowa: Yep.

Heero: Dr. J...for once I'm actually GLAD we keep him around.

Trowa: I told you he still had uses.

(The army of mad clowns dances single file out of the ship. Although their numbers pale in comparison to the pokemons', they are far more powerful, and swiftly rip through them. When they finish their job, they self-detonate, revealing that they are robots. Trowa hauls Heero's gundam back to town for their congratulations)

(During the following conversation, Luigi is running around in the background, chasing the one or two remaining pokemon and decimating their corpses. He uses the following things: knife, axe, crowbar, aluminum bat, flaming gas bottle, lamppost, sword, gun, boulder, and his fists)

Mario: A'we cannot thank'a you enough! You saved our'a kingdom!

Trowa: Don't mention it. We're just doing our part to stop the pokemon.

Peach: We must thank you in some way. Mario told me you are in need of fuel?

Trowa: Yes, we are.

Ryo: And food! Please say you have food! Lots and lots of food!!!

Peach: Yes, he told me you wanted some mushrooms. These should hold you until your victory banquet tonight.

(A toad approaches carrying a crate of assorted mushrooms)

Ryo: (falls to knees drooling) You are a goddess!

Peach: I'll also give you some of our best starship fuel, the ultrashroom!

Trowa: We graciously accept your thanks, but we won't be able to attend your banquet.

Peach: Are you sure? We'll be serving mushroom pasta!

Ryo: What the hell is wrong with you, Trowa? We're the guests of honor. What would the banquet be without us? Besides, SHE'S OFFERING US A FREE MEAL, AND WE HAVEN'T EATEN IN DAYS!!!

Trowa: Well...I suppose we have time...

Peach: And where is that wonderful person who made all those robotic clowns that saved us?

Heero: I'm afraid he won't be attending. He has far too much work to do.

Peach: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Heero: Don't be.

Peach: Oh...well then, let's be off! I insist that you stay the night at the castle!

Heero: (glances at Luigi who is bludgeoning things) Uh…is he about done?

(Luigi runs off screen, runs back on screen with a beach umbrella, and impales a dead pikachu. The umbrella opens, pushing him flat on his back)

Mario: A'Yes.

(They attend the banquet and spend the night at the castle. In the morning, they bid their hosts farewell, and take off)

Heero: Dr. J, where did you get all those clowns?

Dr. J: I built them!

Heero: I thought you said you didn't have any weapons to help us.

Dr. J: They're not exactly weapons. They're more like kazi soldiers.

Heero: Why didn't I notice a huge army of clowns in your lab?

Dr. J: Because I condensed them into this cube (holds up cube of condensed clowns). It fits into the back of this 3 speed blender!

Heero: I see...well, our gundams sustained heavy damage, so get to work repairing them!

Dr. J: But there are so many more weapons I could make for yo-

Heero: Now!

Dr. J: Aw...


	26. Frieza's mad

**Chapter 24**

(Frieza's mad)

(Scene opens in Frieza's throne room. Frieza sits tranquilly on his massive ornate throne, drinking very expensive wine. Zarbon enters the room, slowly and sheepishly)

Zarbon: Uh...Master Frieza?

Frieza: Yes?...

Zarbon: Uh...I have some...uh...bad news...

Frieza: (sarcastically) So what else is new?

Zarbon: Well...uh...ya see...

Frieza: Out with it!

Zarbon: Well, during your fight with Goku, the time compression unit was...uh...well...damaged.

Frieza: How extensively?

Zarbon: Well, um...the main component, the chronostone, was...cracked.

Frieza: WHAT!!!??

Zarbon: We have a team searching for another one as we speak, but that was the only one ever found.

(Frieza twitches madly. He crushes his wine glass in his hand. He growls and clenches his teeth)

Frieza: Can't it be repaired?!

Zarbon: The properties of the chronostone remain a mystery even to this day. We wouldn't know where to begin-

Frieza: Imbeciles!!! Grrr. Damn that monkey! I should never have let him near my machine! He will pay dearly for this! Bring him to me!

Zarbon: But he hasn't finished recovering from the figh-

Frieza: NOW!

(Zarbon orders guards to drag in the unconscious Goku. Frieza stares at him)

Frieza: Hmm...let him finish healing. Then, I want his limbs cut open, a slow burning acid poured on every open wound, the top layer of skin scraped off his body; I want his right arm burned, his left arm slowly cut into confetti, his left eye gouged, his right leg plunged into boiling oil, his left leg gnawed by wild dogs, the rest of his unnecessary bones crushed, and 300 volts of electricity sent through his body! Oh, and make sure he lives through it. I don't want to lose my houseboy. And once he's recovered from this...dye his hair pink! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

Zarbon: Yes Master Frieza. (To guards) Ok, throw him back in the rejuvenation chamber!

(The guards haul Goku out of the room)

Frieza: Ah, I feel better already. Now, back to the matter at hand. Continue the search for a new chronostone, but do it in secret. I wouldn't want my adversary catching on to my secret training methods, now would I?

Zarbon: Yes sir. But what will we do now? Without you at a new power level, Ash can come walking through those doors anytime now!

Frieza: I know! Curse that monkey! Hrr....(goes into deep thought for a few seconds)...tell them we surrender.

Zarbon: What!!?

Frieza: You heard me! Do it!

Zarbon: (submissively, concerned) Master Frieza...yes sir.

Frieza: (thinking) _Stupid monkey. His antics may have cost the universe its freedom...but I'm not out yet. Not by a long shot._


	27. The brainwashed planet

**Chapter 25**

(The brainwashed planet)

(Scene opens on the city of Townsville of "The Powerpuff girls")

Narrator: The city of tow-

(City explodes. Powerpuff girls wake up screaming)

Blossom: Wow! Did you all just have the same horrible dream about the city exploding?

(Before anyone can answer, some hippy walks in)

Hippy: Hey girls, I have, like, a question. Why are…rainbows? (makes slow waving gesture at sky)

Blossom: Um...

(Girls are sniped)

Hippy: Long live the sniper revolution!

(Hippy is filled with bullets. View changes to the city being bombarded by snipe bullets. Shows snipe master laughing manically)

Snipe master: Ah ha ha ha ha!!! Die my pretties, die!!! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!!

(All snipes aim at master. Master becomes a huge brass ball of welded bullets. Ball falls and causes massive destruction. The words "Dedicated to Lord Frieza" flash at the bottom. Suddenly, the program is interrupted)

Announcer: We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this news update.

Heero: (On couch in ship with Trowa) They always do this during The Snipe Show.

Announcer: We have just received word that Frieza has surrendered to the Pokemon army. I repeat, Frieza has surrendered.

Heero: What!?

Announcer: As of today, Ash is our new overlord. All hail Ash, and his glorious new regime!

Heero: Ryo, come look at this!

(Ryo enters and watches)

Announcer: Some divisions of the former royal army still loyal to Frieza are continuing the war and protecting planet Frieza, but are expected to be extinguished soon.

Ryo: No...

Trowa: Well...that's just the way wars go sometimes. We can't always win.

Heero: You're right. We should just let it go. I'm sure Ash will be just as good a ruler as Frieza.

Trowa: Too bad. I was starting to look forward to fighting again.

Ryo: What are you guys talking about?! We can't just give up!

Heero: Ryo, it's over.

Ryo: Ash is our sworn enemy! We can't stop fighting just because the army that's backing us up is gone!

Heero: Ryo, face it. No one's a match for Ash. He's too powerful.

Ryo: I can take him! I just need a little time to practice! My armor can-

Heero: From what I've seen, your armor isn't that spectacular. So you can destroy planets with one attack. So what? Ash, or even Frieza could do that without moving.

Ryo: I just need time to train, then I'll be able to do it. My armor is sacred; I have the power of good on my side! We can't fail!

Heero: Ryo, look at this reasonably. Ash hasn't shown himself to be a bad ruler. He might even be better than Frieza. We should just find a planet and settle down. You can go on with your quest of vengeance if you want. I'm going to continue my search…(aside) _Candy shop? What the hell was I thinking?…_

Trowa: I'll join you. After all the weeks we've spent in this ship, living on a planet again sounds good.

Ryo: Guys, I'm convinced Ash is evil! Why else would he try to dominate the universe?

Heero: Greed, I suppose, but that doesn't mean he won't be a good ruler.

Ryo: Maybe so, but in my meditations I've seen a cloud of darkness surrounding Ash. I have a feeling he'll be the downfall of modern civilization.

Heero: Then go rent a ship on the next planet and get yourself killed. It's your choice.

Ryo: (torn) Heero...we'll see. Let's just stick together for now.

Heero: So be it.

Trowa: We're going to need to land soon. Ryo ate most of our mushroom fuel.

Ryo: And it was really good, too! It was like drinking 76,852 cups of coffee at once!

Heero Trowa: …

(They land on a nearby planet. They talk to the pantless red man working at the port)

Heero: How much is this gonna cost?

Pantless red spaceport worker: Haven't you heard? Overlord Ash has eliminated currency.

Heero: ...is this a joke?

Pantless red spaceport worker: Am I laughing? LOOK!!!

(The pantless worker points to an overhead T.V.)

T.V announcer: And now, the latest news from the royal palace, our beloved ruler Ash has eliminated all forms of currency. Peace and prosperity for all!

Heero: Ok...let's go...

(They leave the port)

Trowa: How could he possibly think that this universe is ready for the elimination of currency? No civilization in all of history has been ready for that!

Ryo: What'd I tell ya? He'll be the end of us all!

Heero: Hm…I'm still not convinced. For all we know, it could be part of a larger plan that will ultimately bring order.

Ryo: Don't worry, I'm sure we'll find plenty of other things wrong with Ash's universe very soon.

(They continue to walk through the city. They spy a huge T.V in the Town Square. It is showing episodes of Pokemon)

Heero: (to some woman on the street) What's that?

Woman: It's the story of Ash's life. The WB network shows it nonstop. Our children are encouraged to watch so they can become great pokemon masters too!

Heero: Why would they want to do that?

Woman: To become a respected pokemon master is the highest honor.

Trowa: Then who's gonna run the rest of the world?

Woman: I'm sure someone would rather do an honest days work than wander the world and train Pokemon. It's just not meant for some people, you know.

Ryo: (whispers) Heero, I'm gettin' some weird vibes from the T.V.

(Heero looks at the T.V. The distinct patterns of flashing lights and colors begin to mesmerize him, but he snaps himself out of it)

Heero: It's mind control!

Trowa: To promote loyalty and order to Ash. Ingenious. That would explain the lack of plot I'm noticing.

Ryo: I guess this place has been under Pokemon control for quite some time.

Heero: Well...it does create peace and harmony...

Ryo: It's brainwashing! Oppression! Mind conditioning! These people aren't free, they're slaves!

Heero: As long as they're happy, does it really matter? Aren't we all slaves to our upbringing, our world, ourselves?

Ryo: Heero, listen to yourself! You're making excuses for Ash's idiotic idea of government! Yeah they're happy now, but just think of how they'll be when all of society crashes!

Heero: Calm down Ryo! From what I've seen, this world is stable. With mindless people, how can it fail?

Ryo: It can fail because Ash is a dumb ass! Ash's world can't handle change! He wants a completely peaceful and unchanging universe! And when change does come, he'll feebly attempt to restore it to what it was, and that'll screw it up even more!

Heero: What do you mean it can't handle change?

Ryo: How about social reform? What if people become immune to the mind conditioning?

Heero: Then they'll find another way!

Ryo: Not only will that take time, time in which chaos will reign, but have you forgotten that mind control is evil!!!???

Trowa: Uh, guys, this is NOT the place to argue the validity of the current government.

(Shows everyone staring at the gang. They pull their collars up and walk away quietly)

Heero: I'm feeling tense. Let's find a bar.

(They search for a bar. They have trouble finding one)

Heero: (to some guy on the street) Hey, where's the nearest bar?

Guy: I'm not sure. Bars are getting harder and harder to find these days. Everyone just wants to be Pokemon trainers. But I've heard there's a bar a few blocks west of here!

Heero: Thanks.

(They turn away)

Ryo: There was never a shortage of bars when Frieza ran the universe.

(They find a bar and enter. Inside, there are many Pokemon trainers discussing their strategies, as well as an arena where two people are battling their pokemon. Heero and crew walk up to the bar)

Heero: What're they doing there? (points to arena)

Barkeep: You must be from out of town. That's a Pokemon battle. Almost everybody does it these days.

Ryo: Kind of interesting how all of society is built around a sport, huh Heero?

Heero: Quiet, Ryo. I'll have a beer.

Barkeep: Sorry, Ash has recently declared alcohol illegal. It hurts the mind, don't ya know?

Heero: Ok...I can handle that...I'll just have some water and a hamburger.

Barkeep: I'm sorry, food is illegal.

(Heero gives barkeep cold stare)

Barkeep: ...come on, can't you take a joke? Geez!

Heero: Not today.

Barkeep: Well, I don't blame ya. Seems like every ten minutes, there's a new rule.

(They start to watch T.V. This one's not showing Pokemon. A commercial ends)

T.V: Due to the wishes of Ash, the regularly scheduled "Snipe show" has been canceled forever. We now bring you the Pokemon movie.

(Heero quietly gets up and leaves. The gang follows questionably)

Ryo: Heero, where're you going?

Heero: We're getting off this God forsaken planet.

Ryo: I knew you'd see my point.

Heero: Yeah, you were right, Ash's society is doomed. I don't know what I was thinking. Thanks for pointing it out. You did a pretty good job of analyzing the situation for someone who's never had to question who they're fighting before.

Ryo: Thanks; I was just trying to keep up with you two.

Heero: Well, I don't think there's much we can do, but let's do everything we can to save these misguided people.

(Walking down the street, they notice Dr. J torching things while insanely barraging an army of law enforcement officials with guns, explosives, and sharp metal objects)

Dr. J: Heero, you're just in time! This planet is overrun with pokemon and pokemon lovers! We have to stop them!

Heero: Dr. J, the pokemon rule the universe now.

Dr. J: I know! We'll just have to take them one planet at a time!

Heero: We're leaving NOW Dr. J.

Dr. J: But I'm having so much fun! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

(Heero grabs Dr. J and drags him to the ship. Dr. J continues to assault the planet. They get back to the ship and make a quick escape)

Heero: Well, we made it out of THAT hellhole.

Dr. J: And not before I managed to take advantage of their idiocy! I got loads of destructive material for free! Look! I built this blender out of the strongest material known to man! It's my best yet!

Heero: How many blenders have you wasted your time and mine building?

Dr. J: I lost count last week.

Heero: May I see that blender?

Dr. J: Ok.

(Show blender fly from airlock at multiple times light speed)

Heero: …what the hell happened? I didn't even throw it!

Dr. J: It's a high speed blender!

Heero: ...right. I'll forget that happened if you get back in your room now.

Dr. J: Yes, yes, I'm going.

(Heero walks back to the living room where the others are waiting)

Ryo: So what are you gonna do, Heero?

Heero: I'll do whatever I can to stop Ash from destroying the human race.

Ryo: What's that?

Heero: I guess we should find a rebel army and sign up. You should work on increasing your armor's power. And for all our sakes, I hope you're not exaggerating about what it can do.

Ryo: Leave it to me. Ash is going down!

Heero: Alright then. I'm going to bed.

Ryo: Ok. See you tomorrow.

Disembodied voice: Ryo...

Ryo: (to Heero) What?

Heero: Huh?

Ryo: What do you want?

Heero: I didn't say anything.

Ryo: Trowa?

Trowa: Not me.

Ryo: Someone just called my name.

Heero: You're hearing things. Go to bed.

Ryo: I guess so. Good night!

Trowa: Wait. Something just occurred to me.

Heero: What?

Trowa: We forgot to get supplies, yet again, on a planet where everything is free.

(Scene ends in silence)


	28. A day in Ash's court

**Chapter 26**

(A day in Ash's court)

(Ash and his entourage of guards and attendants (including Misty and Brock) are parading their way into Ash's throne room. Ash is dressed in his old attire from the show, except it's all jewel encrusted. It is night. As they are walking, a streak of light smacks into Ash's head. Ash grabs his head and crouches in pain)

Ash: OW! OUUUCCCCCHHH!!!!!!!! Aw man! What the hell was that!!??

Guard: It appears to be a blender, sir.

Ash: Blender?! Who the hell threw a blender at me!!??

Guard: It came out of the sky, sir.

Ash: Blenders don't fall from the sky, moron!!!

Guards: We all saw it, sir.

Ash: Well whatever! Have it shot out of a cannon into the deepest, darkest reaches of space!

Guard: But sir, the fact that it survived reentry alone, and that it isn't even dented after hitting you-

Ash: Shut up!!! I said launch it out of a cannon!!! NOW!!!

Guard: Yes sir.

(They continue into the throne room. A cannon shot is heard in the background. Ash takes his seat. Misty and Brock assume their places by his side)

Ash: So what's on the agenda today?

Advisor: Well, most pressing, due to the lack of purpose, nobody is working.

Ash: What do you mean lack of purpose?

Advisor: You banned currency, so nobody is being paid for working. So they don't work.

Ash: Um...is that bad?

Advisor: Yes. Very.

Ash: Uh...well what do you recommend?

Advisor: I think we should bring back currency.

Ash: Oh fine. But I want every pokemon to have its face on a type of bill!

Advisor: Sir, there are 673 types of pokemon. Giving each one its own bill would waste resources.

Ash: But it'll be fun! Everyone will love it!

Advisor: ...we'll get started right away, sir.

Ash: Good. Anything else?

Advisor: The latest poll shows that people want a better plot in your show.

Ash: But they're classics!

Advisor: Perhaps if we started feeding the writers...

Ash: I have a better idea. Lets create another 150 pokemon!

Advisor: Sir, you can't keep using that as the solution to every problem. Eventually there will be so many that people will stop caring.

Ash: Blasphemy! Take him away!

Advisor: Nooo!!!

(Guards come and drag him away)

Advisor: You idiot! You've doomed us all, you bastard!!!

(Advisor is dragged away. A cannon shot is heard in the distance)

Ash: Bring in the back up advisor!

(A new advisor is brought in)

Ash: Tell me about our military position.

Advisor: Nooo.

Ash: ...

(Advisor is taken away)

Ash: Bring in the next advisor!

(A new advisor is brought in)

Ash: Tell me about our military position!

Advisor: Most of the planets have submitted to us, but a small minority persists in rebellion.

Ash: Whatever happened to Frieza?

Advisor: We don't know. Our forces are still trying to clear the rebels protecting planet Frieza. I'm sure we'll find out once we reach the surface.

Ash: We'd damn well better! I'm not done with him yet!

Advisor: Yes lord ass.

Ash: What was that?

Advisor: I said yes sir.

Ash: ...

(Advisor explodes)

Ash: Bring in the next advisor!

(A clown walks in)

Ash: I said advisor, not jester!

Guard: This _is_ the next advisor, sir.

(Clown pulls out gigantic butcher knife, apparently from nowhere, and runs at Ash. Misty and Brock step forward to guard Ash. They blow up the clown. Unfortunately, the clown was a very powerful bomb. Ash's palace is destroyed, killing all but Ash, Misty and Brock. They float above the rubble of the palace, charred, and with a really pissed look on their faces)

Ash: Whoever did this is going to die a very painful death...


	29. Escape from Planet Frieza

**Chapter 27**

(Escape from planet Frieza)

(Scene opens at 3 PM standard time on a light transport ship not far from planet Frieza, with Frieza, Zarbon, and Goku (whose hair was recently dyed pink) on board, as well as a pilot. The transport consists of one room (the cockpit) with two small benches and Frieza's broken time compression machine. Everyone stands impatiently waiting for the pilot's next word)

Pilot: The battle's not going well. Our forces are being wiped out.

Frieza: Well we can't just sit around here and hope for an opening!

Zarbon: Master Frieza, you have to stay calm! We don't want them sensing your power!

Frieza: I despise this. We're hiding like cowards from a TWELVE YEAR OLD!!!

Goku: You know, if you and I teamed up, we could probably-

Frieza: Shut your banana hole you stupid monkey! It'll be a cold day when I fight along side you. And keep your power level down! They'll kill you too if they find us.

Zarbon: Everybody calm down. We have to get away without anyone noticing so we can come back and fight another day.

Frieza: Yes. That boy will pay dearly...

Pilot: We need a plan guys. What're your orders?

Zarbon: Well, the planet's surrounded by Ash's forces, and we're stuck in the middle. Our army can't hold them much longer, let alone make us an opening to escape.

Frieza: Thank you, Zarbon, for restating the obvious. NOW GIVE ME A PLAN!!!

Zarbon: Well, we could tell all our ships to withdraw and assemble at a single point to make a hole in their force.

Frieza: Excellent. Let's go!

Goku: No, wait! That won't work! If they withdraw, the enemies will probably follow them and lead them straight to us!

Frieza: Quiet monkey!

Pilot: No, he's right. And even if we get out, someone is bound to notice us.

Frieza: Silence! Grrr...(to Goku) well I don't suppose you have any bright ideas?

Goku: Well, we could just blast our way through.

Frieza: Well, yes, but that would defeat the purpose of an undetected escape!

Goku: (keenly) But how can they detect us if they're all dead?

Frieza: An explosion of that size could be detected from halfway across the galaxy! And from that, they can get a lock on our ship and see where we're going!

Goku: Really? Oh, sorry. I've been cleaning toilets so long that I have no idea what's going on.

Frieza: It's apparent.

Pilot: Oh no! They've breached our lines! The enemy is closing in on the planet! It's only a matter of time before they find us now!

(Frieza examines the scanner)

Frieza: Wait a minute...the planet's only surrounded two dimensionally!

(Sure enough, the scanner reveals that the planet's poles are not being blocked)

Pilot: This scanner is 3 dimensional? Cool!!!

Frieza: ...who hired you?

Pilot: Nobody really. I just kind of wandered into your palace and they thought I was a pilot.

Frieza: ...I'll have to remember to review our security crew when I get back into power. But for now I'm just thankful that Ash's army is as stupid as he is. Let's get out of here!

Pilot: Warp factor 9, captain.

Frieza: What?

Pilot: Uh, nothing. I just always wanted to say that.

(Transporter flies into deep space)

Frieza: I will return...


	30. The death of Heero Yuy

**Chapter 28**

(The death of Heero Yuy)

(Heero is walking in an orange fog. He heads toward the light. Heero is shot. He wakes up covered in sweat)

Heero: (Gasp!) Huh?

(Heero searches his pillow, but finds nothing)

Heero: That was a real dream? I wonder what it means.

(Heero notices it's 7AM, so he decides to get up and watch T.V. He turns it on to find Dr. J sitting in a plush chair near a fireplace with a book in his hand)

Announcer: And now, it's time for nursery rhymes with Dr. J.

Heero: ...what?

Dr. J: Hello kiddies! Here's one of my favorites!

Hickory-dickory dock,  
The mice ran up the clock.  
The clock struck one,  
And all perished!!!  
Hickory-dickory dock!

Dr. J: Now, let's sing a song!

This old man, he's insane,  
He burns things down in the rain!  
With an "Oh God help us all!"  
"Throw him down a well!"  
This old man is going to hell!

Dr. J: How did you like that one kiddies?!

(Silence)

Dr. J: I can't hear you!

Cameraman: (whispering) This isn't a live studio audience.

Dr. J: I'm talking to the kids! I said I can't hear you!

Cameraman: There are no kids!

Dr. J: Quiet you! Oh well, looks like we're out of time! See you next time, kiddies!

Announcer: This has been nursery...disturbances with Dr. J.

Heero: (blank stare) ...

(Dr. J pops up from behind the couch)

Dr. J: Did you like my show Heero?

Heero: How exactly did you get on T.V?

Dr. J: Bribery!

Heero: With what?

Dr. J: My gun! (pulls out large, fearsome gun)

Heero: That's called armed intimidation.

Dr. J: What's the difference?

Heero: (pulls out gun) Allow me to demonstrate.

Gun: (click)

Dr. J: Ah ha! You're finally out of ammo! I'm free at last! Ahahahaha-!

(Heero pulls a clip out from his pocket and reloads)

Dr. J: …oh poo.

(Ryo and Trowa enter and join Heero and Dr. J)

T.V. Announcer: We interrupt your regularly scheduled madness for this newsbreak. Ash has reinstated currency. Henceforth, we will use Poke-money. (Holds up paper bill with a Gengar on it)

(Stagehand gives the announcer a piece of paper)

Announcer: This just in! Ash's forces have taken planet Frieza! Unfortunately, Frieza and his closest minions are nowhere to be found. Also missing is his legendary wine cellar.

(Announcer is handed another piece of paper)

Announcer: Oh! And this just in! Ash's royal palace was destroyed earlier this morning! The only survivors, Ash, Misty, and Brock, claim it was a clown bomb hiding among the royal personnel. It is unknown who sent this clown bomb, but Ash promises swift and fatal retaliation to all involved. All hail Ash!!!

Heero: Dr. J?

Dr. J: No! It wasn't me!

Trowa: (Checks the cockpit) Our computer says we jettisoned something in the direction of Ash's palace recently. Something big and clown shaped.

Heero: Well, let's just hope they can't trace it back to us.

(Heero turns off the T.V. Just then, a bell rings and the ship's voice is heard)

Ship: Destination reached. We have arrived at planet Frieza. Please input further orders.

Trowa: Great. We made it to planet Frieza. About a month too late to make a difference.

Ryo: Well, whatever. As long as we're here, why don't we enjoy the splendor! Planet Frieza is the richest planet in the known universe!

Heero: Because we're penniless. That's why not.

Ryo: Aw...well, maybe it's about time we earned some money.

Trowa: You mean get a job?...Makes sense...

Heero: Yeah. I wonder why we haven't been doing that all along...

Ryo: I guess we were too busy trying to rush to planet Frieza. But now that we're here, and have no money left, it's about time we ripped some poor unsuspecting sucker out of a wad of dough.

Trowa: Well put, Ryo! Computer: initiate docking sequence with planet Frieza!

Ship: I'm afraid planet Frieza is off limits to civilians.

Trowa: Ok then, land on that moon that has that famous restaurant on it.

Ship: Yes sir. Setting course for Lysat.

(Ship lands on one of planet Frieza's moons. The gang disembarks)

Ryo: So, let's go see what's available!

Trowa: You two go on without me. I have something special in mind.

(Trowa goes off on his own. Heero and Ryo start wandering the streets. They look at 'Help wanted' signs as they pass by)

Ryo: Fry cook wanted.

Heero: Chump change.

(They continue)

Ryo: The zoo needs someone to clean the cages...

Heero: Next.

Ryo: Telemarketers needed.

(Ryo looks at Heero)

Ryo: Yeah.

(They continue. They notice a basket ball game going on in a caged court. They look at each other confirmingly and enter)

Player: Yo, git out our court! We don't do autographs!

Heero: Why would I want your autograph?

Player: Acouse we da official B-ball team uh Ash's home planet, boy!

Heero: I see. How about a little game?

Player: We don't play no amateurs!

Heero: Let's make it interesting. How about a wager?

Player: Whachu talkin' 'bout boy?

Heero: Something along the lines of, say, 4 billion dollars.

Player: Na how do I know you have dat kinda money?

Heero: We own that ship over there. It's worth about that much.

(Flashes deed to ship)

Player:...you got chyoself a deal! Where yo team?

Heero: You're looking at it.

Player: (blank look, then bursts into fit of laughter) Hey guys, we 'bout to get ourself a new ship!

Heero: Loser gets the ball.

Player: Alright. And ta show how generous we ah, we gonna let you stat wit da ball!

(Heero and Ryo look at each other. Ryo makes an inviting gesture to Heero. Heero takes the ball, bounces it under a player's legs, off the cage wall, and rushes through the crowd to grab it in mid-air and slam-dunk it. The players stare in amazement)

Player: …well dat was jus a lucky shot! Now it's our ball!

(They pass the player the ball. He dribbles it confidently, then Ryo grabs it with blinding speed, jumps 30 feet in the air, doing several flips and tricks, then lands upside down, balancing on one arm on the ball, which is balancing on the rim. He bounces up and down for a while, then jumps 30 feet into the air again, and shouts as he crams the flaming ball into the basket, shattering the plastic backboard and snapping the metal pole it was on in half)

Heero: Show off...

(The entire team stands frozen with their mouths stuck open. They proceed to forfeit and deliver 4 billion dollars to Ryo and Heero)

Ryo: Wow, we made a killing! I wonder if Trowa did as good.

(Scene changes to Trowa stuffing an unconscious man into a gym locker and taking his uniform. Someone walks in)

Man: You're up in 5, Mr. Loman.

Trowa: I'll be ready in a sec.

(Trowa proceeds into an arena. An enormous crowd sits in the stands, cheering)

Announcer: And now, representing the planet Schist in the low gravity acrobatic event of our first annual universal Olympics, Mr. Zeak Loman!

(Vigorous applauds follows. Trowa approaches the course. It consists of several bars stretching up into the sky like a gigantic set of monkey bars, small rings suspended in mid-air, and hoops (flaming and non) on suspenders positioned throughout the web; all in a low gravity square stretching 30x30 feet. Trowa prepares himself, looking back to his circus days. He rushes toward the starting trampoline and jumps into the complex maze of bars. He puts on a stunning show, flipping his way up the tower, passing through every hoop he passes. He finishes his one-minute performance and takes his bow. The audience cheers uncontrollably)

(Scene changes to the spaceport. Heero and Ryo rest at the gates, waiting for Trowa. He approaches)

Trowa: Hey guys! How'd you make out?

Ryo: We got 4 billion dollars in a shameful basketball game. What about you?

Trowa: I earned a gold medal in the acrobatics event of the first annual universal Olympics. And about 6 billion dollars.

Ryo: What?!!! Why didn't you tell me they were holding Olympics!? I could have won every event!!!

Trowa: It's going on for another 2 weeks, so you can-

(Sees Ryo running off into the distance)

Ryo: Thanks Trowa!

Trowa: But I thought we could go to Chi-chi's to celebrate!

(Ryo stops so abruptly it leaves a small trail of flame)

Ryo: Woah! Chi-chi's Intergalactic Home Cookin'!? The most famous restaurant in the universe?! Well then screw fame and fortune, let's go!

(They set out for Chi-chi's. They arrive at about sunset. As they walk through the parking lot, they notice a sign. It reads "Parking $5000")

Ryo: Wow...good thing we didn't bring a car.

Heero: Good thing we don't OWN a car.

(They walk to the front entrance, only to find an enormous crowd in front. They fight their way to the door, where they are greeted by several very large bouncers)

Bouncer: Good evening. How may I help yous?

Ryo: Uh...we'd like to get in.

Bouncer: Do yous guys have a reservation?

Ryo: Um...no.

Bouncer: I'm sorry, but no body gets in witout a reservation.

Heero: If we made a reservation now, how soon could we get in?

Bouncer: About 3 years.

Ryo: Don't worry guys, I'll handle this.

(Ryo slips bouncer a ten dollar bill)

Bouncer: Why tank you, sir.

(Bouncer blows his nose on the ten dollar bill and throws it into a nearby trashcan)

Heero: Ryo, bribes cost more here.

(Heero slips the bouncer a million)

Bouncer: Hm...it seems a table has opened in one of our cheaper areas...

(Heero slips bouncer another 8 million)

Bouncer: Hm...for another 2 million, yous qualifys for our V.I.P passes, which allow yous to freely roam this fine establishment.

(Heero slips bouncer another 2 million. Bouncer hands them V.I.P badges)

Bouncer: Thank you kind sirs. Please enjoy yourselves.

(They enter the hall of the restaurant and are shocked, having never seen anything so ornate in all their lives. They can only imagine what Frieza's palace would look like. A waitress approaches them)

Waitress: Good evening, and welcome to Chi-chi's intergalactic home cookin'! Oh! I see you are V.I.Ps! Have you been here before?

Ryo: No.

Waitress: Well, on the first floor, we have our famous bar, where we serve almost any drink you can think of. On our second floor, we have a few tables and a floor show. Tonight, we are honored to have a Mr...I mean doctor. Dr. J performing for us.

Heero: I don't even want to hear about it, just so long as the place doesn't explode.

Waitress: Uhhh, ok! Our third floor consists of several buffets, the forth and fifth floor are reserved for quiet dinners, or, if you'd like, you may eat on our roof or balconies. Ok? Enjoy!

Heero: What do you guys feel like?

Ryo: I'd feel more comfortable in a bar setting.

Heero: Yeah, that's where I was going.

Trowa: Yes, and we might be able to gather some useful information.

(They walk through the door before them. Their ears are suddenly assaulted by loud music. Several forms of life from around the universe can be seen dancing, or just sitting and drinking. The three sit down at the bar. Chi-chi herself serves them)

Chi-chi: Hello! I'm Chi-chi, and welcome to my restaurant! What can I get you?

Heero: I'll just have some ice water and a steak sirloin, medium rare.

Trowa: I'll have a 30oz lobster with Glistrolian garlic potatoes, and a Sam Adams.

Ryo: I'll take a good ole' hamburger with extra mushrooms. And how much is your finest wine?

Chi-chi: 80 billion dollars.

Ryo: Um...how 'bout the second finest?

Chi-chi: About the same.

Ryo: Uh...what've ya got for two billion?

Chi-chi: I'll get you something nice. Oh, by the way, I'll have to ask that you all pay in advance. Your bill is about 4 billion now.

(Heero pays Chi-chi. Chi-chi returns shortly with their orders)

Chi-chi: If you need anything else, just call.

(Ryo notices a man sitting to his left, talking to a bartender)

Man: Tell me my friend, have I ever told you of the wildfire?

Bartender: Yeah, about 50 times. Give it a rest, Talpa.

Talpa: Ugh...(turns to Ryo) Tell me, my friend, have I ever told you of the wildfire?

Ryo: Hi Talpa!

Talpa: (jumps back surprised) YOU!!!

Ryo: Yeah, you remember me, right? I'm Ryo! You know, the guy who killed yo-

Talpa: I know very well who you are!

Ryo: Oh...so...how've things been in the nether realm?

Talpa: (sigh) My army of darkness has been defeated, and my empire lies in ruins. I will never conquer the mortal world, so I just come here to drink.

Ryo: That's sad...but I've heard sadder.

Talpa: My urge to kill you is rising swiftly, and if I attack you I'll be banned from this bar, so I think it would be best if you go.

Ryo: Yeah, maybe I should. Best of luck!

(Ryo relocates himself)

Talpa: Blast him!

(Talpa punches a hole in the counter)

Chi-chi: All right, that's it, you're out of here! Boys!

(Burly security guards come and drag Talpa away)

Talpa: NO! THIS BAR IS MY WHOLE LIFE! YOU CAN'T TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME! NOOO!!!!!

(Moments later, Duo approaches)

Duo: Wow, Heero! What a coincidence running into you again!

Heero: Duo? What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were getting rich off that beach planet.

Duo: Well, everything was going great until there was a unanimous vote by the populous to banish me forever. So I figured I'd come here and live it up. Hey, how did you afford to get in here? I thought you guys were broke! Did you sell your ship?

Heero: Trowa won the Olympics, and Ryo and I won a basketball game against Ash's home team.

Duo: Good for you! Glad to see you're moving up in the world.

(Relena walks up from behind Duo)

Relena: Oh, there you are Duo! I was wondering where you went.

Duo: (Puts his arm around her) I told you to sit down, Relena. You've been on your feet all night! Here, I'll buy you another drink.

(Duo returns his attention to Heero and suddenly realizes he's in trouble)

Duo: AH! (removes his arm from Relena) I-It's not what you think, Heero!

Relena: Heero?

Heero: Relena? (Takes a moment to realize what's happening)...Duo, why do you look so worried? There was never anything between Relena and me.

Duo: Whew!

Heero: However, Ryo is still a bit pissed from before.

Ryo: I'll teach you!

(Ryo cracks his knuckles and Duo runs away screaming. Chi-chi shouts angrily at them and security attacks Ryo)

Relena: What was that about?

Heero: Nothing important.

(They stare at each other for a while)

Relena: ...Heero, is it really you? Am I dreaming?

Heero: No, it's me...

Relena: Well…where have you been, Heero? Where did you go?

Heero: I appeared on a desert planet called Titania. I ran a deli there…(thinks for a moment)…the details are hazy. But it was destroyed in the war against the pokemon.

Relena: I see. Well, after...after the joining, I was taken to a far away planet. I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to. I wandered my way across the universe and eventually ended up here. Chi-chi took pity on me and gave me a job as a waitress. But tonight I met Duo, and we started talking. He told me you were coming to planet Frieza, but I never expected to...well what are you doing now that Frieza's surrendered?

Heero: We were planning to find a rebel army and join up. My friend Ryo, who just punched out that security guard, thinks he has the power to defeat Ash.

Relena: Why, Heero? Why must you fight? Can't you just let Ash rule?

Heero: You haven't seen his system of government. He's too foolish for his own good and the good of all mankind. He must be stopped.

Relena: Well...it was nice to see you...good luck.

Ryo (dodging security): (Whispers to Heero) Heero! Is that the girl you used to talk about?

Heero: Yeah.

Ryo: You can't just let her walk away! Especially with Duo! Take her with us!

Heero: We have separate lives, Ryo. I can't ask her to just leave.

Ryo: She's a bar waitress! We have enough money to support her and a hundred other people now! And she's obviously wild about you! I can see it!

Heero: But we'll be in constant danger. I can't put her through that.

Ryo: Look Heero, do this now or you'll regret it for the rest of your life!

Heero: I…can't.

Ryo: Then at least take her out for one night! I'll take care of the bill, don't worry! Uh oh. Gotta go! (runs as Gohan chases him).

Heero: Hm...alright. For old times.

(Heero invites Relena out, and they leave the bar and go out on the town. They go to a small cafe and have some coffee and ice cream. They don't say much to each other, they just gaze into each other's eyes. They follow this with a walk in an empty park. It's late night now)

Relena: Heero...I'm really glad I saw you again. I've been hoping all these years, just so I could...well...

(Heero looks spellbound into Relena's eyes, remembering how they saved him many times before)

Heero: Relena...will you come with me? To save the universe?

Relena: Oh, Heero! I'd love to!

Gun toting man: Alright you two, freeze!

(Heero turns to find a man in a pokemon military uniform. Heero draws his gun, but it is shot out of his hand)

Soldier: I overheard you in the bar. You were talking about rebelling against the pokemon empire!…or maybe it was that other guy…do I have the right guy? I was kinda drunk at the time…still kinda drunk now…wait, I remember! It was defiantly you! Well as a loyal soldier to lord Ash, it is my duty to kill you both! Now, who's first?

(Man waves his gun back and forth between the two)

Soldier: You!

(Soldier points his gun at Relena and fires. Heero jumps in front of her. The bullet flies through his heart. He remains standing)

Relena: Heero!

Soldier: Stubborn, huh? Fine then, if you're so determined to live you can watch your girlfriend die!

(A look of terror sweeps Relena's face. But before the soldier can fire, a sword flies through his chest. He looks down at the blade sticking about a foot out of him. He falls and dies. Ryo rushes over toward the fallen Heero. Relena is crying over him)

Relena: Heero!

Heero: Relena...I'm sorry...(moan)

Ryo: Stand back; we might still be able to save him!

(Ryo examines Heero's chest. A surprised look jumps onto his face)

Ryo: Heero...Heero, get up, there's no wound.

(Heero opens his eyes in surprise. He feels his chest and finds not even a scratch)

Heero: Huh? But...how can that be? I felt the pain! Look, there's blood on my shirt!

Ryo: I don't know...

(They stand confused for a moment)

Heero: ...Ryo, how did you know we were here? You weren't following us, were you?

Ryo: Uh...no! I was at the bar!

Heero: Then why are you here?

Ryo: I, uh...um...

(Trowa walks up)

Trowa: He's got us, Ryo.

Heero: Trowa! You too?

Trowa: Actually, we came to find you. Dr. J got thrown out after his dancing penguin robots opened fire on the audience, so we had to take him back to the ship.

Heero: But why aren't I hurt? It doesn't make sense...

Ryo: Let's just assume it was Dr. J and go on with our lives.

Heero: I guess you're right.

(They leave and head back toward the ship. Ryo throws a backward glance to the bushes, but keeps walking. They fail to notice a robed figure with a staff, standing in the shadows)


	31. The freedom fighters

**Chapter 29**

(The freedom fighters)

(The gang spends the next two weeks on Lysat, competing in the Olympics, eating at Chi-chi's, and preventing Dr. J's occasional rampage. They pack up their winnings and take off. Scene opens in the ship's living room with all present except Dr. J)

Ryo: Man! I still can't believe I won every event!

Heero: Even the figure skating. I didn't know you were so artistic.

Ryo: I guess I just have talent. So how much did we make?

Trowa: I think it was something like 3 trillion. Say, where did you put it?

Ryo: I left my wallet on the table. (Looks at empty table) Hey! Where is it!!!?

(Dr. J enters)

Dr. J: Hey guys, you won't believe my luck! I found this wallet full of money just sitting on our table!

Ryo: Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!

Heero: And what did you do with it?

Dr. J: I bought this dipping bird! (holds up dipping bird)

Heero: You spent 3 trillion dollars on a dipping bird?!

Dr. J: Yes. Is there a problem?

(Ryo punches out Dr. J)

Ryo: My money...

Relena: (Gasps) Ryo! You may be angry, but that doesn't give you the right to hit him!

Ryo: Huh? Are you still here? Sorry, it's been just us four for such a long time, I forget myself.

Heero: Great. We couldn't even support ourselves before, and now we have another mouth to feed.

Ryo: Good thing I got enough food to last for a year.

Heero: Wow...that's one of the few intelligent things you've done so far.

Ryo: Hey, I resent that!

Trowa: I'll put Dr. J back in his box...

(Trowa drags Dr. J off to his room)

Relena: Box!?

Heero: It's actually a room. We've just been calling him the J-in-the-box lately, since one time a bunch of clowns popped out.

Relena: (Blank, confused expression)

Heero: Don't worry; he's mostly harmless around us.

Relena: I don't remember Dr. J being that crazy.

Heero: Well, the joining did some crazy things to people.

Relena: That's so very sad.

Heero: Yes, it is.

(Trowa returns)

Ryo: So where are we going now?

Trowa: I overheard someone in the bar saying something about a rebel group called the Freedom Fighters. They're not far.

Ryo: Sounds like a plan. Now, where's Relena gonna sleep?

Heero: She can sleep in my room.

Ryo: (blank and surprised face) ...Heero, you dog!

Heero: I meant with me sleeping on the couch, you pervert!

Ryo: Oh...I knew that...

(A completely uneventful week passes. Except, perhaps, for one small situation that might be worth mentioning. Aboard the ship...)

Trowa: Heero, I'm getting a strange energy signal from that small asteroid. It's throwing off all our sensors.

Heero: Interesting. Let's check it out.

Trowa: Roger that.

(They cruise the surface of the asteroid and come upon a small glass dome structure. They land close by and Heero, Ryo, and Trowa leave in space suits)

Ryo: Hmm. Looks pretty suspicious. Think it could be a surveillance station or something?

Trowa: Unlikely. Why would it jam our instruments?

Ryo: I guess so...say, where did we get these suits, anyway?

Trowa: I think Dr. J made them.

(Momentary silence)

Heero: No. No he did not. They came with the ship. Now let's go.

(They walk up to the large transparent doors. There is a button on the side. Ryo looks questionably at the others. They give him a confirming nod. He pushes the button. The doors open without question)

Ryo: I don't like this. It's too easy.

Heero: Well so is outsmarting Ash, now let's go in.

(They enter into what appears to be an airlock. The doors close behind them)

Trowa: My suit says the area is pressurizing. It should be breathable in a minute.

(The room finishes pressurizing and the far door opens. They enter and remove their helmets)

Heero: Well, whatever lives here needs air.

(The entire dome consists of a grassy field, a few trees, a stone structure that appears to be a small house, and a very large machine. A strange man stands hovering over the machine. He turns and walks over to the gang. They wait for him, suspicious)

Strange man: Why hello! You must be the men the press sent over, right?

Heero: Um...yeah...we're very interested in your, uh, (glances at machine)...work. Anything you could tell us would be greatly appreciated.

Strange man: Why I'd be glad to! Come right this way!

(Strange man leads them to the machine)

Strange man: I've created something wonderful. I call it The Total Mal-perspective Vortex!

Heero: The what?

Strange man: No, not "The What", The Total Mal-perspective Vortex! The opposite of The Total Perspective Vortex, the machine that combined the dimensions. You see, with this machine, I will separate the dimensions again, banishing Ash to his homeworld, and restoring everything back to the way it used to be!

Heero: ...are you insane? There's no guarantee that the dimensions will be put back the way they were! And who knows what kind of destruction it will cause!?

Mad man: But it will solve the pokemon problem! I was just about to activate it. How would you like to be the only ones to witness this historic event?

(Heero shoots the mad man)

Heero: Well, there's one threat to peace gone.

(Dr. J pops out of the machine)

Dr. J: Hey guys, this is really interesting! Oh, and I found some fairy cake!

(Holds up half eaten fairy cake)

Dr. J: Want some?

Heero: Dr. J, how did you get in there?

Dr. J: Never question my magic!

Heero: ...whatever.

(They quickly search the place, find nothing of interest, plant explosives, and leave to watch the fireworks)

Relena: Who was on that thing?

Heero: Nobody. It was abandoned.

Relena: Then why did we blow it up?

Trowa: It was jamming our ship. We're clear now. Resuming set course.

(The rest of the week passes uneventfully. They arrive at their destination and land in the middle of a small village in the forest. Sonic, Tails, Amy, Big, Knuckles, Robotnik, and several forest creatures run out with various weapons. The gang leaves the ship, ready for combat)

Sonic: Who are you, and why have you come to our village?

Trowa: We're interested in joining the freedom fighters.

Sonic: Oh, then that's different. We need all the help we can get!

(They put away their weapons and sit down to talk)

Trowa: So this is all of you?

Tails: Yep.

Trowa: I don't suppose you have any starship battle cruisers, do you?

Tails: Well, not quite. Robotnik there builds us some great weapons, but we only have so many resources. And he always seems to build a weak point into everything!

Trowa: I see...

Robotnik: I still don't understand why I keep doing that. I even drew up plans, had Tails check them, but when I built it, I unconsciously put one in!

Trowa: Uh huh...so do you have any secret weapons that you're planning to defeat Ash with?

Tails: Well, we used to have these things called chaos emeralds that generated unlimited power, but during the joining, they got a bit...well, screwed up.

Ryo: How's that?

Tails: Now, instead of generating power, they generate insanity. I'm not even going to tell you what happened when Sonic tried to transform with them. We were cleaning it up for weeks!

Sonic: It was hell.

Heero: What do you mean transform?

Tails: Well, you can absorb their power and become a super self!

Ryo: Wow! Too bad they're messed up. I could have used it to help my armor.

Tails: We've got Knuckles meditating over them every day, but we can't seem to fix them.

Trowa: So that's all you have?

Tails: Yeah, this is it.

Trowa: Well thanks, but you're really not what we're looking for.

Tails: I don't blame you. We can barely even stay alive with the Pokemon everywhere. We were thinking of moving to the Nintendo planet. We heard they were a strong force.

Heero: Not really. In fact, they've probably been overthrown by now.

Tails: Really? Aw man. What are we gonna do?

Relena: You musn't give up hope. You'll find a way, just never give up!

Ryo: Yeah, don't worry little guy (scratches behind Tails' ears), we'll take care of that mean old Ash!

Tails: (Unamused) Stop that.

Ryo: Sorry. You reminded me of a tiger I used to have...uh...what's with the tails?

Tails: I was born with them! Leave me alone!

Heero: Ryo, stop upsetting the kid.

Tails: I'm not a kid!

Ryo: He's got you there, Heero. Technically I think you'd call him a cub or something.

Tails: Shut up! I'll show you!

(Tails attacks Ryo. He holds him back with one hand. Tails eventually collapses in exhaustion)

Ryo: …this planet's sad.

(Amy comes out of a hut)

Amy: Alright everybody, supper's on!

Ryo: Oh! What are you having?

Sonic: Mushroom casserole. I hate mushrooms.

Ryo: I love mushrooms! Hey guys, stay for dinner!

Heero: Ryo, we have enough food to last for a year.

Ryo: Oh right. I forgot we're not poor anymore.

Heero: Well, technically we are; we just have food.

Ryo: Well...I don't know about you guys, but I just wouldn't feel right leaving them in this situation. Let's give them some of Dr. J's weapons!

Heero: Are you nuts!? We don't even know what half of those things do!

Ryo: These guys don't have much to lose, Heero.

Heero: ...well I guess it would at least give them a fighting chance. It's better than just waiting to die. They'll just have to hope they don't accidentally blow up the planet. Ok, let's do it.

(They unload some of Dr. J's choice weapons. By the time they're done, dinner is finished. The animals come out and thank them)

Sonic: Thanks again! This'll help a lot.

Heero: Sure. Just be careful with them.

Big: (picks up weapon) Hey Froggy, what do you think this button does?

(Big pushes button. A rocket launches into a Pokemon infested city, leveling it)

Dr. J: Hurray!

Heero: Box! (points to ship)

Dr. J: Boo...

(Dr. J leaves)

Sonic: Uh...yeah, so like we were saying-

(Tails runs up to Sonic)

Tails: Sonic, come quick! We've got a visitor!

Sonic: Another one? Who is it?

(The Pope walks up)

Pope: Hello my children.

Sonic: The pope?! What're you doing here!?

Pope: I'm traveling the universe, giving my blessings to those opposed to the satanic ways of the Pokemon.

Heero: (whispers) Hey Ryo, maybe he could power up your armor.

Ryo: Heero, I'm not catholic!

Heero: Neither am I, but after all the things I've seen since the joining I'm not too sure of anything anymore. Besides, power is power. It couldn't hurt to try.

Ryo: ...good point. (stops whispering) Hey Mr. Pope, uh, your Holiness, er, whatever, can you help me?

Pope: I shall do my best, my child.

Ryo: I'm going to be fighting Ash soon, and I was wondering if you could bless my mystical armor to give it power.

Pope: Mystical armor? I don't seem to recall any mystical armor in the Bible...

Ryo: Uh...it's not in the Bible. Can you help me anyway?

Pope: I'm not sure what power I can offer you, but I will pray to God for your safety and triumph. Now step closer, my son.

(Ryo approaches the Pope)

Pope: Now, show me this mystic armor.

Ryo: Alright. **Armor of Wildfire, Dao-chi!**

(Ryo dons his armor)

Pope: Very well. Now, relax...

(The Pope begins muttering a chant, and sprinkles holy water on Ryo. Then the Pope raises his staff of 2 Popliness and a beam of light erupts from the ground. A flashy light show ensues. It eventually ends.)

Ryo: Wow! So...what happened?

Pope: Nothing. I just asked God to help you and put on a flashy light show to make it look cool.

Ryo: That's it?

Pope: What'd you expect, magic?

Ryo: Well...yeah.

(Pope whacks Ryo with his staff)

Ryo: Ow! …well, thanks anyway.

Pope: It is a very brave and noble task that you seek to accomplish. I wish you luck, for all our sakes.

Ryo: Don't worry, Ash's going down!

Heero: Come on Ryo, it's time to go.

Ryo: In a minute. I feel like going for a walk. This forest kinda brings back memories…

Heero: Alright, but don't be too long.

(Ryo walks aimlessly into the forest. He continues until he reaches a cliff overlooking the sun set over a city. He stops at the edge and thinks)

Ryo: (thinking) _I know my armor isn't strong enough to beat Ash, but I know I can make it stronger! But...how?_

Ancient One: Ryo, never forget the nature of your armor.

(Ryo turns quickly to find The Ancient One)

Ryo: Ancient One! But I thought you were dead!

Ancient One: These are strange times indeed.

Ryo: Oh yeah.

Ancient One: When evil surfaces, your armor will rise to meet it, but you mustn't depend on its power alone.

Ryo: I know, but (clenches fists)...I'm just not strong enough!

Ancient One: You must be confident in your abilities, Ryo of wildfire. The spirits will aid you if your will is strong, as I know it is.

Ryo: (Stands firm) You're right! I must believe in myself. Good will triumph over evil!

Ancient One: Your spirit is indeed strong, as it always was. I will give you what aid I can, but be warned, power alone won't be enough to win this fight. Now, step forward.

(Ryo approaches the Ancient One. He bangs his staff against the ground, summoning an aura of good. He then whacks Ryo over the head with it. He grabs his head in pain, but he forgets about it as a white glow engulfs him. His armor becomes that of the inferno)

Ancient One: You can now summon the power of the inferno without the other Ronins. Good luck.

(Ancient One begins to fade)

Ryo: Ancient, wait!

(Ancient One unfades)

Ancient One: Yes?

Ryo: Uh...um...nothing. I just wanted you around in case I think of more questions.

Ancient One: Look, I've got places to be. I haven't got time for this.

Ryo: Oh...well then...uh...thanks!

(Ancient One fades away. Ryo returns to the ship and tells everyone what happened)

Heero: Well, that's good. Let's hope it's enough.

Ryo: Don't worry Heero, I've got a feeling Ash's days are numbered!

(They load up and leave the planet)


	32. Frieza returns

**Chapter 30**

(Frieza returns)

(On a secluded planet in the deepest, darkest reaches of space, Frieza trains while scientists ponder the broken chronostone and the machine it was in. It is mid-morning)

Frieza: (shadow boxing outside of their cabin in the middle of a forest, thinking) _How am I supposed to train if I can't raise my power level to a distinguishing point?!_

(Frieza's train of thought is suddenly derailed as a streak of light crashes into the back of his head. He loses consciousness for a brief moment, then rises to find a blender lying in front of him)

Frieza: What the hell...? (looks up) What kind of madman would launch a blender into deep space!?

(A bell sounds within the blender)

Frieza: Well, I guess it's done, whatever it was doing...hold on…this thing crashed into my head and the glass didn't even break...

(Frieza examines the blender closer and finds 4 buttons in a horizontal row. The first 3 are white, the last is blue)

Frieza: What's this now? "Chop"..."Dice"..."purée"..."Time compression"? What the hell?

(Frieza opens the back compartment of the blender. His eyes become wide as he beholds the chronostone within)

Frieza: (after a few moments in awe and shock) ...wha...what kind of madman puts a chronostone in a blender and launches it into space?!...well, whoever it is, I'll have to thank him! Zarbon!

(Zarbon runs out of the cabin)

Zarbon: Yes Master Frieza?

Frieza: Call the press and tell them I'm back in action!


	33. The good news

**Chapter 31**

(The good news)

(Scene opens at 6:00AM in Ash's courtroom. Ryo stand in the doorway, clad in his armor of Inferno)

Ryo: Now die!!!

(Ryo runs at Ash with his twin Soul swords of Fervor. Ash stands there dumbfoundedly. Ryo runs his swords through Ash, then cuts his body into little pieces. Soon after, an ominous voice rings from above)

Voice: Simulation over. User wins.

(The world fades away into the ship's familiar walls. Ryo removes his armor and exits the training room to where Heero is waiting)

Ryo: Man, Dr. J's simulator is fun!

Heero: Yeah, although it may be more useful if you try something harder than level -2.

Ryo: Aw, I'm just messin' around. It's very therapeutic. You should try it.

Heero: Just remember to train with it.

Ryo: Don't sweat it. We've got nothing but time on our hands.

(They walk to the living room, plop themselves on the couch, and watch T.V. with Trowa)

T.V. announcer (male): Three hours ago, it was reported that planet Yenson V was destroyed by an unforeseen meteorite shower. Fortunately for its inhabitants, there is no evidence that such a planet ever existed, so Lord Ash has asked everyone to assume that it never did. Hail Ash! (hails)

Ryo: I'm getting that urge to go butcher Ash again. Be back in a minute.

(Ryo gets up and begins to walk back to the training room, but stops when he hears the next broadcast)

Co Announcer (female): This just in! Frieza has announced that he will be reclaiming the throne! He is quoted as saying that "by the end of the month, Ash will be a decoration hanging over the royal dinning hall". This reporter would like to go on record as saying: Haven't you had enough, Frieza?

Announcer: What the hell are you talking about? Frieza's going to beat the stupid out of that little brat! We'll finally be free!!!

Co Announcer: Are you mad?! Ash is going to rip out Frieza's eyes and shove them up his ass so he can watch Ash kick the shit out of him!

Announcer: Are you sure Ash is smart enough to know which end is which?

Co Announcer: You idiot! Ash is probably watching this right now!

Announcer: Well Ash can suck my-

(A sign comes up which reads "Technical difficulties, please stand by")

Ryo: ...wow...they'll put anything on T.V these days...

Trowa: Were you even listening? Frieza's back! This is our chance to make a difference!

(A commercial pops up on the T.V.)

T.V: Attention! All able bodied soldiers loyal to Frieza, report to planet Frieza for immediate assignment. I repeat, all able bodied soldiers loyal to Frieza, report to planet Frieza for immediate assignment. That is all. (This message paid for by the All Hail Frieza Foundation)

Trowa: Well, I guess we know where we're going.

(Dr. J pops up from behind the couch)

Dr. J: The Zoo?

Heero: Yes Dr. J, we're going to the zoo.

Dr. J: Yay! I love th-oh wait, you were being sarcastic, weren't you?

(Heero stands and points)

Heero: Box!

Dr. J: Make me!

(Bullet whizzes by Dr. J's ear)

Dr. J: Oh, right, the gun...

(Dr. J crawls back to his lab)

Ryo: Hey, where's Relena?

Heero: Probably still asleep. It's early.

(Relena walks out of her room, still yawning)

Relena: Good morning everyone. Was that a gunshot just a moment ago?

Heero: No.

Relena: Well then what was all that excitement I heard?

Ryo: Frieza's back, and he's ready to reclaim the throne!

Trowa: We should arrive on planet Frieza in about 3 days.

Relena: Oh...so you're going to fight again?

Heero: (Stands up and walks over to Relena) We have to. I won't stand by and watch Ash plunge the universe into chaos.

Relena: Where will I go?

Heero: Stay on planet Frieza with Dr. J. He'll protect you.

Relena: Are you sure that's safe?

Heero: Don't worry. He won't hurt you...or else.

(Heero's eyes become very dark)

Ryo: So...we have three days until we land...what do you want to do?

Heero: You're going to train nonstop until we get there. Trowa and I are going to play poker to decide who has to watch Dr. J tonight.


	34. Frieza plans his counter attack

**Chapter 32**

(Frieza plans his counter attack)

(Frieza enters his throne room with Zarbon at about 11:00 AM)

Frieza: Ah, it feels good to be back!

(Frieza takes his seat. Zarbon takes his place at his right hand)

Frieza: But enough sentiment. To the business at hand. How many soldiers have responded to our call?

Zarbon: We've got about 56,000 so far.

Frieza: That's it?! Hrrr. There was a time when my slightest whim could conjure trillions of men, ready to throw their lives away for me!

Zarbon: The enemy's mind control was very effective. Not many people were immune. We'll have to find a way to reverse it once you defeat Ash.

Frieza: Well, those had better be some damn good men! They're grossly outnumbered.

Zarbon: We're planning to wait another week before our big strike. Our plan is to send in an assault unit to make a big enough opening in the defenses for you to get in without being bothered. We want you to be at full strength when you fight Ash.

Frieza: Excellent, Zarbon. I knew I could count on you. Although it's Ash who's going to be needing all of his strength! Ha ha ha hah ha hah ha!!!!!!! Ah...so what does the attack force consist of?

Zarbon: Well, we've managed to get together a few destroyers, some frigates, and we got a good fleet of-

(Zarbon is interrupted as the massive throne room doors are flung open with a powerful crash. Ryo (in his semi armor), Heero, and Trowa enter)

Frieza: Hm? Who are you?

Heero: (whispering to Trowa) So that's Frieza.

Trowa: (whispering back to Heero) He looks taller on T.V.

Ryo: My name is Ryo Sanada. I've come to help you defeat Ash.

(Frieza and Zarbon look at each other for a second, then burst into uncontrollable laughter)

Frieza: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! Zarbon, is this one of your jokes?

Zarbon: No, I didn't hire him.

Frieza: (still amused) Well then, how the hell did you get in here?

Ryo: Your guards aren't really that efficient or strong.

Frieza: Hmm...well, maybe there is more to you than meets the eye. Very well, show me your power.

Ryo: You got it! Armor of Inferno!!!

(Ryo's inferno armor comes to him)

Frieza: (unimpressed) Hm. Well, I don't see why you think you have a chance, but you can get yourself killed if you want to. Hell, it might even be entertaining! Very well then, you may fight Ash just before I do. Now then, who are you two? (looks at Heero and Trowa)

Heero: My name is Heero Yuy, and this is Trowa Barton. We're mobile suit pilots, and we'd like to lend you our services.

Ryo: Heero! It's not good to tell the ruler of the universe that we have illegal mobile suits!

Trowa: Actually, we did some research, and it seems that law we told you about was completely forgotten after the joining.

Ryo: Oh...

Frieza: Mobile suits? That's a bit out dated. You'd better be damn good pilots, or at least ready to die.

Trowa: We're both.

Frieza: Excellent. Now get the hell out of my throne room!!! Feel free to kill those incompetent guards on your way out!

Ryo: Will do!

(The gang leaves)

Frieza: Zarbon, make a mental note: When I once again rule the universe, hire more intelligent personnel.

Zarbon: Yes Master Frieza.


	35. The first wave

**Chapter 33**

(The first wave)

(Scene opens on one of several enormous carriers orbiting planet Frieza. A mass of soldiers sits in a large auditorium with a huge screen on the back wall, awaiting briefing on the mission. A hush falls over the crowd as a highly decorated and muscular man walks on stage)

General: All right men, this is very simple, so I hope I only have to say it once. Your job is to break through the defenses around planet Reblious, recently renamed planet Pokemon, so that Lord Frieza doesn't have to be bothered with them, and can save his energy for the fight. More specifically, you'll be targeting the ships with space to land capabilities. We can't have them interfering with Frieza's battle, now can we? Now then, here's what you can be expecting.

(The screen comes to life, and begins displaying the schematics of each ship mentioned. Presently, it displays a pokeball-shaped craft)

General: This is one of their more common ships. It's basically a frigate, carrying several pokemon-shaped battle drones, but be wary of its close-in combat system, especially if you pilot a battleship or any kind of heavy cruiser. Its powerful ship-to-ship missiles have punctured some of our strongest hulls. I would recommend ignoring this craft, unless it imposes an immediate threat. It has no space to ground weapons, and is therefore not a necessary mission target. Now as for the drones (the screen shows various pokemon-shaped crafts), they may hinder some of you. Some of these drones are computer operated, allowing them to move at speeds that a human couldn't handle. Others may be manned. You may also encounter mobile suits. For those of you not familiar with the term, this is a suit shaped like a being, usually a man. They can be equipped with a wide variety of weapons, but mobile suits are fairly out-dated, so you shouldn't have much trouble. Should they be guarding a necessary target, you may engage them, but I would advise avoiding them. Now, (monitor shows large crafts) these are your targets. Destroyers, battleships, and satellite beam guns. They all have the ability to attack the surface. We estimate around 250 of each of these ships currently in orbit, along with a ring of satellites surrounding the equator. However Ash, being the dumb ass that he is, has spaced them far too close, so if we blow one up, the rest will likely follow in a domino effect. Worry yourself with the ships. Engage non-essential mission targets at your own digression. Report to the docking bay to receive your assignments. We will be launching in two hours. I wish you the best of luck. You are dismissed.

(The soldiers get up and head for the docking bays. Heero and Trowa receive their assignment papers)

Heero: What'd you get, Trowa?

Trowa: They put me in the first wave, delta squadron. What about you?

Heero: Same here. I guess they thought we'd work best together.

Trowa: Do you think mobile suits are really out-dated?

Heero: No, it's just that no one knows how to utilize one anymore...speaking of out-dated and useless...

(Heero and Trowa walk toward their ship and enter Dr. J's lab to find him actually working...apparently)

Heero: Are those final upgrades done yet?

Dr. J: Almost!

Heero: Now Dr. J, I want you to promise me something. While we're gone, you are not to leave your lab, the ship is not to leave the docking bay, and you will protect Relena. Did you get that?

Dr. J: Yes! Protect Relena, steal the ship, and blow up the planet!

Heero: (sigh) Well, he got one right.

(Heero and Trowa walk into the living room to kill what time they have left before the battle. Ryo walks in)

Trowa: Hey Ryo. Shouldn't you be with Frieza in his luxury ship?

Ryo: I just came to wish you guys good luck. Believe me, I'd much rather be fighting with you, but machines aren't quite my specialty.

Heero: Just leave it to us. You have a job of your own to worry about.

Ryo: I guess you're right. I'll need to keep up my strength so I don't look like an idiot in front of Frieza.

(The loud speaker outside comes on)

Speaker: Attention! Attention! All pilots report to the docking bay! Launch in five minutes!

(Relena walks out)

Relena: Heero, please come back alive. I...

Heero: Don't worry. I have no intention of dying without reason.

Ryo: Yeah Heero, if you make it, maybe you can watch me take on Ash!

Trowa: We'd better go now.

Ryo: Yeah, Frieza should be expecting me soon.

Heero: Relena, just make sure you stay in the ship. Dr. J will keep you safe.

Relena: Ok. I'll be praying for you all.

(They board into their separate ships and prepare for launch. Shortly after, the carriers make a hyper jump to the outer perimeter of planet Pokemon. The first wave immediately deploys)

General: Alright men, we'll concentrate our force directly ahead.

Heero: (transmitting openly) Uh, sir...you may want to take a quick look at your radar...

General: Soldier! You have received your orders! You will comply without question! Is that clear!

Heero: Yes sir. (begins transmitting to Trowa) I just wanted to tell him that they forgot to guard the third dimension of the planet.

Trowa: Do you think we should break away from the others?

Heero: No. I get the feeling Frieza's army is going to need all the help it can get.

Trowa: Roger that.

(A sudden barrage of beam fire erupts from the distance. Starships, drones, and the satellite defense system fire a wave of attacks)

Trowa: Why are they firing? We're way out of range.

(One of Frieza's nearby fighters is hit and blown up)

Heero: Or not.

(The two fly straight ahead with their squadron, dodging beam fire)

Trowa: We're really out numbered.

Heero: That's never stopped us before.

(A wave of enemy drones and mobile suits approaches fast from a floating pokeball. The squad tries to ignore them, but they're too fast to escape)

Heero: Damn! With all the stuff Dr. J did with these suits, you'd think they'd be invincible, or at least able to outrun those guys!

Trowa: Maybe we just have to press the right button.

Heero: The controls don't look any different.

Trowa: Maybe Dr. J switched the controls around.

Heero: The basic control is the same.

Trowa: Well, what button would Dr. J expect us to press in a bad situation?

(Momentary silence)

Heero and Trowa at the same time: The self-detonation!

Trowa: But what if he _didn't_ change it? We'd blow up!

Heero: Let's just leave it alone unless we get in trouble.

General: Delta squadron! Prepare to engage the enemy fleet!

Trowa: Here we go!

(The two teams engage each other. Several ships, enemy and friendly, are seen exploding immediately. Heero engages a nearby Mewtwo-shaped mobile suit. They fly around each other, blasting rifles in an attempt to make an easy kill. In the middle, two fighter drones come at Heero from both sides, firing small plasma cannons. Heero sways to dodge them, and narrowly avoids a punch from the mobile suit)

Heero: This isn't going to be easy!

(Meanwhile, on Frieza's luxurious personal transport, Ryo, Zarbon, Frieza, and Goku sit on the bridge with the pilots)

Frieza: (sips wine) Ah! Would you like something to drink my boy?

Ryo: No thanks. I'd better keep sober.

Frieza: Oh yes, I forgot how easily alcohol hinders you humanoids. Goku! Refill!

(Goku refills Frieza's wine glass)

Ryo: How are they doing?

Zarbon: Well, they're obviously doing horribly! That's the point of the first wave. We send them in to get killed and use up the enemy's force, then we send in our heavy cruisers to finish them off.

Ryo: You put my friends on a suicide mission!!??

Frieza: You said they were good. If they're really good, they'll make it to the second wave.

Ryo: Can you find them on radar?

Crewman: Yes. I'll put it on screen.

(Image of Wing Zero pops up)

Ryo: They don't look too beat up. Maybe they can make it (takes out small radio and talks into it). Hey Heero, how's it hanging?

Heero: Ryo, I'm trying to fight! Quit distracting me!

Ryo: Oh, sorry. Hey Frieza, do you have any of those little honey roasted peanuts?

(Back on the battlefield, Heero and Trowa are having a hard time fighting the multiple targets engaging them all at once)

Heero: Too many...too fast...I can't keep this up for long!

Trowa: Me either! This is much tougher than anything we've done before!

(Wing Zero is hit in the side with a small beam from one of the fighters. Then one of the Mewtwo suits flies in front of him and smacks him with its tail)

Heero: Hrr! I have to focus! (Heero says as he plunges Wing Zero's arm through one of the enemy mobile suits, destroying its cockpit and pilot) Focus on the enemy...

(By now, Alpha and Bravo squadron have been entirely obliterated, as well as most of Charlie and Delta squads. With increasingly less cover, Heero and Trowa find the fighting increasingly more difficult to keep up. Heavy Arms' dual machine guns, which have been upgraded to plasma cannons for space combat, fires off a few rounds, destroying an incoming fighter. Immediately afterwards, a mobile suit emerges from below. The Heavy Arms swiftly rectifies this with the blade in its left wrist, and then fires a few more rounds to the right to stop another mobile suit, but misses)

(Back on Frieza's ship...)

Zarbon: Most of wave one appears to be gone, Master Frieza. Shall we order in the second?

Frieza: (glances at the screen displaying Heero blow up a battleship with his buster rifle) I think they can hold on a few minutes more.

Ryo: What?! They're dying out there! Send in the reinforcements!

Frieza: Hmm...alright kid, I'll send them in just for you. But you'll have to make it up to me by putting on a good show when we arrive.

Ryo: You got it!

(Heero and Trowa float back to back, completely surrounded by suits)

Trowa: Well...this is lookin'...pretty bad...

Heero: Trowa, let's try that combination attack we worked out.

Trowa: Roger. Dock in 3, 2, 1.

(Wing Zero and Heavy Arms bend their knees in such a way that their feet almost touch. Then, Heavy Arms' feet retract, creating a slot. Wing Zero makes a similar transformation, yielding a block that slides perfectly into the slot and locks into place. Heero splits his buster rifle into two beam rifles and hands one to Trowa)

Heero: Will begin applying centripetal force in 3, 2, 1.

(The two suits ignite their jets, and begin spinning rapidly in a circle, pivoting on the vertex where their feet met. They form a sphere of spinning metal. The confused mobile suits never see the attack coming. The beam rifles erupt in a constant stream of plasma, slicing through virtually all of the suits and nearby Heavy cruisers. The rifles run out of energy, and the suits stop spinning and separate)

Trowa: That worked well! They all crowed into one spot, so it was easy to get them all.

Heero: I think that about does it. We'd better go refuel.

Trowa: Yeah. (transmitting over an open channel) This is Heavy Arms and Wing Zero disengaging.

(They fly back toward a carrier and dock)

Ryo: Yeah, they did it!

Zarbon: Master Frieza, it appears the enemy is retreating!

Frieza: Excellent. How many more heavy targets remain?

Zarbon: ...several. I guess they just ran out of drones.

Goku: Or they're just about to send in a second wave.

Frieza: Regardless, tell our men to finish this. I don't plan to spend the whole day up here.

(Heero and Trowa come out of the carrier, fully loaded)

Heero: Do you think the General survived?

Trowa: Yes. I saw him at the carrier. Apparently, he withdrew early in the battle.

Heero: Coward...

Trowa: Look! The second wave is arriving!

(A fleet of friendly bombers, fighters, and heavy ships comes to provide aid)

Heero: There doesn't appear to be much left, but stay on guard.

Trowa: Go after the heavy targets with your buster rifle. I'll provide support.

Heero: Roger that.

(Heero and Trowa join formation with the second wave and head toward the targets. Suddenly, the enemy ships launch a field of small dots)

Soldier one: What are those? They don't come up on radar.

General: (Whom has recently rejoined the formation) They appear to be pokemon. Actual pokemon! Attack from a distance! Don't get too close!

(But they realize too late. A fleet of psychic and ghost type pokemon quickly approach. The psychic pokemon take control of Frieza's troops, and play with them for amusement, causing them to fly around in circles, shoot each other, crash, and the like. Heero and Trowa are the only ones spared of this horror, as it seems not even telekinesis can break through Dr. J's shields)

Heero: We've gotta take out those psychic ones before the whole fleet gets destroyed!

(They begin attacking. Trowa fires his bi-plasma cannon, while Heero uses the separated buster rifles. The pokemon don't even bother to move. The psychic types simply move the shots away with telekinesis, and the shots just pass through the ghosts. The pilots quickly see the futility of their attacks. Heero pulls out his beam sword and points it at a mewtwo. The saber bends around it)

Heero: Looks like Dr. J forgot to include something to FIGHT psychic enemies.

(A ghastly appears in Heero's cockpit. He jumps with a start, and slams his fist into it. It passes through, slamming into a monitor. Heero clutches his fist in pain, while the ghastly mocks him with laughter. The pokemon are no longer amused by Heero and Trowa's attempts to stop them, and begin sending the allied ships after them. The gundam pilots do their best to avoid getting hit while not fighting back. They are able to keep this up for a while, but the pokemon get impatient and begin firing attacks of their own)

Trowa: Heero, there's nothing we can do here! We'd better retreat!

(But they are surrounded on all sides. There is no escape)

(Back on the ship)

Frieza: What the hell is going on out there?

Zarbon: I don't know, sir. Our ships appear to be fighting one another.

Frieza: I'm aware of that! I want to know WHY!!!

Goku: I'm sensing some psychic waves out there.

Zarbon: Those must be psychic pokemon that have taken control of our ships!

Frieza: But why aren't those two affected? (points to Heero and Trowa)

Ryo: Dr. J gave them a shield to protect against psychic attacks.

Frieza: Who? Well never mind, it doesn't matter. Goku, I want you to go out there and kill those pokemon.

Goku: But I can't breath in space.

Frieza: Then put on a suit!

Goku: We didn't bring any.

Frieza: Idiots! Well, I'm certainly not going out there! Any brilliant ideas, anyone?

Ryo: I'm going.

Frieza: What? Don't be a fool, boy! What could you possibly do?

Ryo: With my armor, I can breath in space. I should be able to move myself if I concentrate.

Frieza: Humph…fine. Just don't blame me if you die, or can't find your way back and get stuck floating in space forever.

Ryo: I'll make it.

(Ryo's facemask slides out as he walks out of the air lock)

Ryo: Let's see...they're over there, and I'm moving this way, so…I gotta jump _that_ way!

(Ryo launches himself from the ship toward the battle. It takes much longer to get there than he'd expected, since depth perception is quite poor in space. But he eventually gets there)

Trowa: Hey, isn't that Ryo floating out there?

(Ryo flies by in his inferno armor. He pulls out his swords and prepares to attack)

Frieza: Zarbon, did that boy mention anything about being immune to psychic attacks?

Zarbon: No, Master Frieza.

Frieza: What a pity. And here I though I'd found an intelligent fighter.

(Ryo prepares to use an inferno flare on a cluster of mewtwos, when he is suddenly grabbed by their auras. He is dragged, immobile, in front of one of their faces)

Ryo: Oh crap.

(The mewtwo tosses Ryo aside, flinging him at the nearby planet. He falls haplessly into its gravitational pull)

Ryo: Oh no! I can't break free! Grr! Well, if I'm going down, I'm taking all of them with me! **Rage of inferno!!!**

(An explosion of fire erupts from Ryo's soul swords and flies straight for the psychic pokemon. They take the attack lightly, assuming it's just like any other flame. They counter with a mental shield, but are consumed in the inferno)

Trowa: Wow! Did he actually get them all?!

Heero: I don't see any more. Trowa, you stay here and finish off the remaining forces. I'll see if I can rescue Ryo.

Trowa: Roger that. Be careful, Heero.

(The other ships come out of the dead pokemons' spell)

General: Huh? What happened?

Trowa: You were under mind control. Now come on, let's finish this.

General: Uh, right. Let's move out men!

(The squadron proceeds to destroy several defenseless heavy cruisers. Heero, meanwhile, glides toward the plummeting Ryo)

Heero: (on transmitter) Ryo, can you hear me?

Ryo: Heero, is that you? Your voice sounds weird in outer space.

Heero: Ryo, I'm going to try to rescue you. Just sit tight.

Ryo: Sit tight?! Where do you expect me to go?!

Heero: Into the ground.

(Wing Zero rockets to Ryo's side and grabs hold of him)

Ryo: Alright Heero! Now let's get back to Frieza!

Heero: ...uh oh...

Ryo: What do you mean uh oh?!

Heero: I don't have enough fuel to break orbit.

Ryo: What?! Some rescue! Can this thing survive reentry?

Heero: No...

Ryo: Well, do something!!!

(Heero glances at his self-detonation button)

Heero: Hm...Ryo, do you think you could survive if I blew myself up?

Ryo: What?!!!

Heero: Well, never mind. Here goes!

Ryo: Wait, Heero! What the hell are you doing!?!?

(Heero presses the self-detonation button, hoping that Dr. J had messed with it. And sure enough, he had! Wing Zero transforms. The hull sections part and reveal more armor underneath, which comes out and reinforces the gundam. The buster rifle becomes part of Wing Zero's arm, and converts into a magical cannon with lots of colorful lights. Three beam blades stick out of its other hand. Ryo is sitting in that hand)

Heero: Hey, it worked! I think this thing can survive reentry now!

Ryo: Heero, you lunatic!!! You could have at least warned me! You scared me half to death!

Heero: Wait...

(Flash back:

Heero on communicator: Dr. J, we're getting torn apart! Your shield sucks!

Dr. J: Reconfigure the shield harmonics to a rotating frequency.

Heero: Great idea. What the hell are you talking about!!!???

Dr. J: Push the red button!

Heero: That's the missile button!

Dr. J: Exactly!

Heero: I don't have any! We can't afford missiles!!!

Dr. J: Oh...then I'm afraid I'll have to recommend self-detonation.

End flash back)

Heero: He was hinting at it all along! The next time I see him, I'm going to strangle him!

Ryo: Um, Heero, not that I don't like the ever intensifying heat of reentry, but can you get us out of here!!?

Heero: Roger that.

(Heero pushes the thruster stick forward. Nothing happens)

Heero: ...I'm going to kill him.

Ryo: What now?

Heero: It seems that during the transformation, the fuel tank was jettisoned.

Ryo: Well, that's Dr. J for ya. So now what?

Heero: I guess we just wait for impact.

Ryo: Hm.…..so if you had Dr. J right now, how would _you_ kill him?

(Meanwhile, Trowa and the rest of the second wave have been slaughtering the virtually helpless remaining ships)

Trowa: We should have this wrapped up in no time.

Heero: Trowa, just a warning, don't try the self-detonation. It jettisons the fuel tank.

Trowa: Thanks for the heads up, Heero. Good luck. I hope you find a way to come out of this alive.

Heero: Not likely, but we can always hope.

Trowa: Well, if this is our goodbye, then it's been an honor fighting with you. Good luck, Heero.

(Back on Frieza's imperial flagship)

Zarbon: It appears to be almost over, sir. Our forces are mopping up the remaining enemy ships, and we should be able to touch down within the hour.

Frieza: Excellent. This went better than I had hoped.

(Frieza's rejoicing is interrupted by a frantic and irritating noise generated by the radar)

Pilot: Sir! We have multiple contacts coming from the opposite side of the planet. There are hundreds of 'em! Our forces are far too diminished to take them out! We're doomed! We're all friggin' doomed!!!

(The pilot begins to flop about the bridge, shouting about how doomed they are)

Frieza: Zarbon, get this man off my bridge.

(The pilot rushes up to Frieza. As he comes within inches of his face, the pilot evaporates)

Frieza: Thank you, Zarbon.

Zarbon: Of course, Master Frieza.

(Trowa also notices the enormous force looming in front of the now pathetic Imperial forces)

Trowa: Aw...crap.

General: Lord Frieza is sending in all remaining units. This is it, guys! It's do or die! Preferably do. Let's go!

(All Imperial forces engage the seemingly endless fleet of Poke ships. And unfortunately, despite being soldiers of Ash, they are actually quite good as pilots, and easily commence annihilating the remaining forces. As he loses allies, Trowa's shield gradually gives way. Within another few minutes, Trowa finds himself completely surrounded by attack drones and suits, waiting to die)

Trowa: Well I guess this is it. Too bad I can't self-detonate...

(Just before Trowa is blown up, an unfathomable fleet of large, brightly colored starships uncloaks and swoops down, making quick work of the men surrounding Trowa, as well as many others)

Duo: Yeeehaaaa!!!!!

Trowa: Duo, is that you? I though you weren't coming!

Duo: Nah, I knew you guys couldn't do it without me! Besides, I've been looking for a chance to play with my starship collection! Now you just go get some rest and leave this to me.

Trowa: Thanks, but I plan to see this though!

(Duo's starships prove to be the most powerful in the universe, as all of Ash's fleet combined can hardly even scratch the paint. The pokemon fleet is soon reduced to a number the imperial forces can easily handle.)

Duo: Well, I think you guys can take it from here.

Trowa: Aren't you going to stick around to see the fight?

Duo: No way! You guys are nuts! I'm getting as far away from this planet as I can! Good luck, though. I sure hope that samurai friend of yours is as good as I've heard!

(Meanwhile, Heero and Ryo continue to plummet toward the planet. Ryo's armor is strengthened by the heat, and Wing Zero has enough armor to withstand it. They continue to fall, but come to a sudden bump. They notice that they've crashed into an airplane, and are now not only falling, but going down in flames)

Pilot: Attention, this is your captain speaking. A large mobile suit has just made a surprise landing on the aircraft. We are currently falling at a rate of 2400 miles per hour. Please enjoy the short remainder of your lives. Good day.

(The pilot ejects, but is almost immediately swallowed by a passing Aerodactyl. The plane explodes)

Heero: Well, looks like this is it. If I toss you up at the last second, you might survive.

Ryo: Wait, I have a better idea!

(Ryo uses the power from the heat of the fall and manifests it into an attack)

Ryo: **Rage of inferno!!!**

(Ryo's blast propels the gundam upward, slowing their descent, though the landing is still pretty rough. They crash in the middle of a sun-bleached wasteland. Ryo is crushed underneath the gundam's arm. Heero moves the arm, carefully gets out of the suit, (which is beginning to melt from the heat Ryo's attack left on the ground) and calls to his comrade, unable to approach because of the heat)

Heero: Ryo! Are you alright?!

Ryo: (dazed) I'm fine. I think I'll take a little nap now. Goodnight!

(Ryo falls unconscious. No sooner does Heero notice that they are surrounded by Ash's troops)


	36. Prison break

**Chapter 34**

(Prison break)

(Scene opens as the symbol of virtue glows red on Ryo's head)

Ryo: (in inferno armor, thinking) _Virtue!_

(Ryo awakens in a small prison cell. As his vision clears, he distinguishes the details. The cell consists of 3 dull, brick, orange-yellow walls. Mold grows in the damp corners. Confining them are rusty, brittle looking bars, beyond which lies the corner of the corridor they're in. Heero rises from the corner he's been crouched in)

Heero: 'bout time you got up.

Ryo: Where are we?

Heero: A Pokemon base. You fell unconscious when we crashed. A group of watchmen saw us crashing, and sent a team to get us. You were no help, and I was out numbered.

Ryo: Then...why didn't they take my armor? I mean, at least they could have gotten the swords (gestures to the inferno armor covering him).

Heero: Well, after one soldier evaporated trying to get near you, they got a thermometer and measured you somewhere around 3000 degrees Fahrenheit. I guess you heated up during reentry.

Ryo: But...how'd I get here if they couldn't get near me?

Heero: They got a fire-resistant suit and pushed you with a 10-foot alloy pole. You left a molten trail on the way in. (gestures to the crater Ryo now notices he's been lying in)

Ryo: Oh. Well, let's see if I've cooled down.

(Ryo places his palm against some moss growing on the wall. It hisses, ignites, and crumbles to ashes)

Ryo: Nope! Still cookin'!

Heero: Great. Now open the door. And keep away from me.

(Ryo walks up to the bars. With a flick of his wrist, his hand smashes one of the rusty columns. Heero and Ryo give each other an amused look and a slight chuckle. Ryo walks through the remaining cage door, followed by Heero. The remaining bars shatter like crackers)

Heero: This is sad. Let's leave.

(Ryo jets down the hall, followed by Heero, who's keeping at least 6 feet between them. They run through the twisting halls in hopes of finding an exit. They run past an intersection, at which two guards notice them)

Guard: Hey, stop you!

Heero: Oh great!

(The guards open fire with their plasma rifles. Ryo jumps left and stops. Heero is startled and jumps right to avoid him. Ryo, now behind Heero, uses his armored back to shield Heero from the hot plasma shells)

Heero: Next time you do something like that, WARN ME!

(They continue down the corridor, ignoring the lousy shots of the guards behind, but are soon confronted with a wall of men with their sights on them. Heero nervously skids to a stop, but remembers the white-hot mass just at his heels. Ryo doesn't have the time to stop completely. Heero manages to throw himself to the floor. Ryo stands on one foot hovering over Heero, trying to maintain his balance. A drop of sweat falls beside Heero's face. The ground sizzles and spits drops of molten rock. Ryo and Heero exchange a nervous glance, but then become aware of the many guards who have been taken by surprise by this strange dance. They soon forget about the oddity and prepare to open fire. Ryo jumps over Heero and flips into the ranks of the men. They are soon in melting pieces)

Ryo: Heero, get in here quick!

(Ryo gestures to an elevator shaft. Heero quickly gets up and scurries away while the glowing blue bullets make holes in the poorly built walls. Ryo closes the elevator door and the two let out a sigh of relief. Heero presses the button to go up)

Heero: (in the opposite corner as Ryo)...um, Ryo?

Ryo: Yeah?

Heero: The floor's melting.

(Heero gestures toward the glowing red ground beneath Ryo's feet. Ryo yelps, and begins to dance around. Once he notices this isn't stopping the hole in the floor from expanding, he cuts a hole in the roof and jumps out of it, racing ahead of the elevator. He reaches the top floor and waits until Heero arrives)

Heero: Can't you just take that thing off!?

Ryo: Sorry, I gotta keep this warm for Ash.

Heero: Ryo, the odds of us finding Ash from here are a million to zero.

Ryo: That's unfeasible.

Heero: So is our finding Ash. Now come on, let's go steal a ship or something.

(Heero and Ryo rush down the hall, shooting or decapitating any soldiers they find along the way. In exchange for life, they have one pantless red man lead them to a hanger. They find it to be empty, most of the guards having gone in search of the two escapees. Heero knocks out their guide and they enter)

Heero: Hey, looks like they towed my gundam here!

(Heero jumps into the cockpit)

Heero: Alright! It still works! Looks like they repaired it! And they put in a new fuel tank!

Ryo: I guess they were planning to use it.

Heero: The hand is still a bit melted, but otherwise it's fine!

Ryo: Alright then, let's get out of here!

Heero: ...damn. It's still out of fuel.

Ryo: (sigh) Leave it to Ash's men to forget something like gas.

Heero: Don't worry, I'll just siphon it from one of these other ships.

(Heero finds a plastic tube and siphons some fuel from a craft that appears to use the proper kind. His work is suddenly interrupted by the sound of doors flying off their hinges. Misty and Brock march into the room, backed by an enormous brigade of soldiers)

Brock: Troublemakers, huh? Seize them!

(Brock motions the army to attack. Ryo doesn't even bother to draw his swords. The guards open fire on him. Ryo uses his hand to reflect the shots [quite accurately] into other men's faces. The remaining men quickly notice this isn't working, and rush at him. The foremost soldier draws a knife and raises it to Ryo's face. Ryo grabs the man's arm, which begins to sizzle and drip. The soldier screams in agony, and tries to pull free. Ryo throws him at Brock, who bats the oncoming corpse aside. The remaining guards meet their fate in a fury of scorching punches and blazing kicks. Having dispatched this insult, Ryo glances at the leaders)

Ryo: Hey, aren't you Misty and Brock, Ash's personal guards?

Brock: Yes, but the master has no need for us at the moment, what with the impending rematch with Frieza, the fool. So we came to oversee the operations of our remaining military installations. Unfortunately for you, you crashed right in the front yard of the biggest one. Now come along, give yourselves up, and we might let you live.

Ryo: I didn't come this far to surrender to the likes of you!

Brock: Your skills are admirable, Samurai, but you're out of your league. This is your last chance to give up.

Ryo: Sorry, no deal.

Brock: Too bad. Charizard, go!

(Brock tosses a pokeball and a Charizard emerges. Ryo hops back and gets into his fighter stance)

Brock: Charizard, Fire spin!

(A torrent of flame erupts from the dragon's mouth. Ryo is consumed by the attack, which fades after a moment. Ryo emerges with a confident grin)

Ryo: Is that the best you've got?

(Brock and Misty are shocked. Brock gets pissed)

Brock: Grr. Kill him!

(The charizard swallows Ryo whole. Brock smirks)

Brock: Well, he wasn't so tough.

(The charizard suddenly explodes, spewing flame and gore across the bay. Ryo emerges from the source, his white armor covered in a light flame)

Heero: Hey, watch it! I'm pumping gas over here!

Misty: He seems to like fire. Well then, let's see how he handles this!

(Misty deploys a Vaporeon)

Misty: Aurora beam!

(A beam of ice-plasma leaps from the screaming beast. It comes within a foot of Ryo and evaporates. Ryo digs his foot into the ground, kicks up a chunk of floor, and smacks the melting heap into Misty's pokemon, which instantly begins bubbling, seething, and crying in agony. Within a moment, it explodes in a watery splash)

Misty: What the!?

Brock: Misty, he's too strong for ordinary pokemon. Let's skip right to the big guns.

(Brock and Misty each toss a pokeball. From one emerges a Mew; from the other a Mewtwo)

Ryo: Ha! I killed an army of those on the way over here!

Brock: Mew, Mewtwo, Fusion!

(The pokemon fuse to form Twomew! Ryo draws his swords)

Ryo: Big deal! I can take this!

(Ryo runs headlong at the Twomew, only to be reminded of its telekinetic abilities)

Ryo: (Frozen before the beast) Oh right...

(Twomew tosses Ryo around, slamming him through walls and into ships, which explode. Ryo can only watch helplessly as he gets battered. Heero can only watch as he blasts the thing with his new beam rifle, which was apparently designed to neutralize its psychic abilities. But before Heero can finish it off, Brock fires a ki blast at the suit, and turns away before noticing that it didn't do any damage. With the creature's powers gone, Ryo takes it upon himself to incinerate it)

Ryo: **Flare up now!!!**

(The inferno flare rips through the helpless Twomew, destroying it, then continues on into Misty and Brock. They crawl out of the crumbled stone wall they have been launched into, looking quite pissed)

Brock: Grr! Alright, time to get serious!

(Brock and Misty power up. The ground cracks and the general area quakes)

Ryo: Uh oh.

(Brock draws a sword and Misty detaches an extendible trident from her wristband. They both fly at him, approaching from opposite directions. Ryo draws his swords and spins, countering both attacks. A blazing fury of fighting ensues. Brock makes a blinding slash at Ryo's neck. Ryo blocks, then parries, but fails, as he struggles to hold back Misty's thrust. Ryo high kicks Brock's face and smacks Misty with the hilt of his sword. They both fall back, but immediately counter. Ryo blocks Brock with his arm plating, but Misty cuts his cheek. This goes on for about five minutes. Brock jumps back and swings at Ryo's feet, while Misty stabs with her trident. Ryo jumps and bounds off the wall, descending over Brock's head. Ryo prepares to drive his blade through Brock's head, hoping for an early end to the battle. Brock swats Ryo's attack away, complementing this with a roundhouse kick to Ryo's temple, sending him flying into Misty. Misty is unprepared for this, and is smashed through a wall)

Misty: Hey, watch what you're doing!

Brock: Oh watch it yourself!

(Brock fires a sizable energy ball toward the two. Ryo jumps to a side, allowing the ball to slam into Misty's torso. It explodes, sending Misty flying backwards. She gets up, face scorched)

Misty: (anime style rage) WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!!!!!

(Misty unleashes a spray of fire)

Brock: AHHHHH!!! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!!

Misty: I WAS RIGHT THERE, YOU IDIOT!!!

Brock: (regaining his poise) Well, why didn't you dodge?

Misty: BECAUSE YOU CRUSHED ME AGAINST A WALL!

Ryo: **Rage of Inferno!!!**

(Ryo takes advantage of their bickering, and uses his strongest attack. The twirling, white-hot beam of fire screams as it arches toward its targets)

Brock: Uh oh...

Misty: Aquatic rage!!!

Brock: Poke-beam!!!

(Brock and Misty quickly counter with attacks of their own. Misty telekinetically rearranges the atoms in the air to form water, then launches it at high speed in the form of a beam (all in a split second). Brock gathers the spiritual energins of various dead pokemon (including the freshly dead ones Ryo killed), and manifests them into a devastating "Mother of Pearl" colored beam. The three monumental forces crash. The room lurches at the sudden release of power, and rumbles frighteningly. The ground cracks; the visors on the docked aircraft shatter; bits of roof break off. A power struggle ensues. Ryo's Rage of Inferno pushes on the combined attacks of Misty and Brock. For two minutes, the battle rages. The walls begin to melt from the resulting heat. Sweat pours down the warriors' faces. The beams battle, their meeting point pushing back and forth. Suddenly, a monstrous beam of plasma descends upon Ash's friends from Wing Zero's buster rifle. They keep up an aural shield, but the ground around them begins to vaporize)

Misty: Brock...I...can't keep...(grunt)...I...

(Brock doesn't wait for another word. He jumps out of the line of fire. Misty, unable to keep up her defense, is consumed by the flames)

Misty: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

(The young girl is flung back, surrounded by the swirling torrential inferno. She lets out a chilling scream as flesh vaporizes, bone becomes ash, and Ash becomes stupider. Brock faces Ryo, standing about 10 feet away, breathing heavily)

Ryo: You...coward! You would just let your friend die to insure you safety!!!??

Brock: You are strong, Samurai, but your heart is weak.

Ryo: No, my heart is strong, and my cause just, and that's why I will defeat you!

Brock: No, Samurai, I wi-

(Brock is suddenly crushed by Wing Zero's foot)

Heero: You see Ryo? It's that easy.

Ryo: Aw, that was no fun...!

(Heero's gundam is lifted into the air and thrown backward, sending it skidding across the floor, as Brock rises out of the crater he formed, looking immensely pissed. Immediately, Brock unleashes a full power energy blast unto the Gundam, slowly breaking off its armor. Ryo rushes from behind and strikes. Brock halts his attack on Heero, and quickly twirls around, sword drawn, to parry. He blocks one sword and dodges left to avoid the other. Ryo swings horizontally with one sword, and stabs with the other. Brock ducks and attempts to parry, but is stopped by Ryo's defense and kneed in the face. The battle goes on. Steel meets steel with fierce velocity, sending sparks in all directions. Though Brock is skilled, he is no match for Ryo. In an attempted jump slash, Brock finds Ryo's sword through his chest. Ryo withdraws it and watches Brock breathe his last)

Brock (straining to talk): (Cough) Very good, (cough) but don't think Lord Ash will fall so easily. You, nor even Frieza can imagine his might! (begins coughing up blood).

(Ryo drives his blade through Brock's skull, assuring himself it's dead. Wing Zero stands up again, and Heero gets out)

Ryo: Well, that was a good warmup. Thanks for the help.

Heero: Don't mention it, though I don't think I'll be able to help you with Ash.

Ryo: Don't worry, I've got it covered.

Heero: ...Ryo, are you sure you still want to do this? You look like you had a lot of trouble with those two, and, not that I'd know, but I have a feeling Frieza and Ash are in another league all together.

(Ryo gives Heero an insulted look)

Heero: Listen, all I'm saying is maybe you should consider leaving this to Frieza, and just watch.

Ryo: I can't do that, Heero. This armor was forged to vanquish evil, and it's my responsibility to see that it does its job. I can't stand by while evil has its way.

Heero: I understand. But if you want a shot at all, we'd better hurry. Frieza's probably landed by now.

(Wing Zero blasts the door to the underground bay off, and carries Heero and Ryo onward, in search of their destiny)


	37. The final battle

**Chapter 35**

(The final battle)

(Wing Zero is still in the air, taking Heero and Ryo to...well, actually they don't know where they're going. Ryo sits loosely in the hand, the new hull plating melting only slightly. The land below is barren and broken, apparently having sustained some damage from inter-stellar particle weapons. Either that or Ash just hired a really bad grounds keeper. Whatever the cause, it makes it easier to see over the horizon, and determine that there is nothing in every direction for miles)

Heero: (To self) This is hopeless. The battle could be over by now.

(A slightly broken communication sounds)

Trowa: Ryo, Heero, can any...ear me? I repe...nybody copy? Over.

Heero: Trowa, where are you? Your signal is weak. Over.

Trowa: Heero? Where've y...een? Over.

Heero: Give me your coordinates so we can get closer. Over.

Trowa: Roger that. Sen...ow. Ov...

(Heero heads towards the coordinates he receives, and soon obtains visual contact of Trowa's gundam)

Trowa: Where have you been? How did you survive the atmosphere?

Heero: Later. Where's Frieza?

Trowa: He's probably fighting Ash by now. Follow me; I know where it's happening.

(Heero follows Trowa to the site of the battle. They arrive just in time to find Frieza disembarking a small transport pod, escorted by Zarbon and Goku. Ash stands silently about 20 feet away, wind rippling over the royal robe covering his battle attire, which consists of the hat and vest that he always wears)

Trowa: Looks like we're just in time!

(They land a safe distance away and rush to meet Frieza)

Frieza: Hm? Oh it's you, the armor guy! I was almost certain you'd perished in space. Guess you're stronger than you look.

Ryo: Am I too late for the opening battle you promised me?

Frieza: No no, you're just in time! Please, be my guest. (gesturing toward Ash)

(Ryo walks toward Ash)

Ryo: Alright Ash, your evil reign of stupidity ends here!

Ash: Huh? Hey, who's this? Are you afraid to fight me yourself!?

Frieza: Try to understand; this boy thinks he can defeat you, and I thought it might be entertaining to humor him. So have some fun, then we'll get started.

Ash: Oh fine. Alright then, let's-

Heero: Hold on everybody.

(Heero takes out a pistol and shoots Ash square between the eyes. The bullet hits, crushes itself against Ash's face, then falls to the ground, without even making an impression in Ash's skin)

Heero: ...ok, just checking. You're up, Ryo.

(Heero and Trowa seek safety behind Frieza's group)

Ash: (removing his robe) You know, you're doomed.

Ryo: Shut up and fight, moron.

Ash: Alright, you're asking for it.

(The ground beneath Ryo explodes, launching him into a forward summersault. Upon landing, Ryo wastes no time in drawing his swords, and leaping furiously at his opponent. Ash, who isn't exactly an experienced fighter, is taken by surprise. He jumps back, but gets his vest cut)

Ash: Hey! Aren't we supposed to talk for a while, then-

(Ryo makes another two swings, then whirls around quickly, like a helicopter. Ash just barely dodges)

Ash: Alright, that's it! Now I'm just gonna-

(Ryo attacks again. This time, Ash forms an energy blade. A fountain of brilliant sparks erupts as their swords clash. With his one energy saber, Ash fends off Ryo's onslaught, seemingly with ease. Heero and Trowa stare in amazement as their friend begins moving faster than they can follow. They are equally amazed when the fighting breaks, revealing Ash to be unscathed)

Ash: Is that it?

Ryo: You may be fast, but you have absolutely no skill. You'll screw up eventually!

Ash: No skill, huh? Taste this! Pokeball!!!

(Ash fires a ball of energy, similar to Brock's Poke-beam. Ryo cuts it in half effortlessly)

Ryo: Tastes like...stupid.

Ash: Aagh! Grr...DIE!

(Ash jets straight toward Ryo at blinding speed, and slams a fist into his armored gut. Ryo is flung 30 feet back. Ash grips his melting hand and howls)

Ash: Ooowww!!! What the hell is that made of?! Look at my hand! It's dripping!

(Ryo get up, more or less unaffected)

Ryo: My armor embodies mankind's will to fight evil. I will quell the flames of the wicked with the blazing inferno of righteousness!

Ash: (still gripping his hand, talking in a pained, straining voice) Evil? If you're looking to conquer evil, then why don't you go fight Frieza?

Ryo: Because he isn't leading a hundred trillion people to the collapse of civilization.

Ash: Don't you know? How he taxes his people to the point of starvation? How he forces them to pay homage and obey his every whim? And if they fail, he kills them?

(Everyone turns to Frieza, wondering how he will respond)

Trowa: Is that true?

(Frieza stands silent for a moment, looking quite serious)

Frieza: ...I was given a universe in chaos. Not a single planet had established a steady government. I had no choice but to take what I needed, and to dispose of those who threatened my order. It's true that I was once a heartless tyrant. There was a time when I enjoyed killing, and maybe I still do, but at least I know how to run an empire. So don't come whining to me about your taxes, unless you'd rather fight a fruitless war for millennia. As it is, this child has caused damage that may take decades to finish sorting out.

Ash: Do you believe the words of a tyrant, or an innocent child?

Ryo: Tough choice, but I think I'll go with my gut and kill you. **Flare up now!!!**

(The hilts of Ryo's blades meet. He spins his dual bladed sword and sends out a wave of fire energy. Ash leaps straight up as the attack cuts a ditch in the ground into the distance. Ash descends upon Ryo with a powerful stab. Ryo dodges the poorly thought out attack and does a roundhouse to the side of Ash's chest. Ash effortlessly, and with bewildering speed, blocks with his arm, and engages Ryo. Ash takes on the advance, pushing Ryo back step by step. After a short spurt of fighting, Ryo finds a fist slamming into his right cheek. He skids across the barren, dead ground. He gets up with a bloody nose)

Ryo: Damnit! If I only had some fire energy...

(Frieza looks intrigued)

Frieza: Hm? What are you babbling about?

Ryo: My armor is strengthened by fire. If I could get even a little…

Frieza: Fire, hm? Ok then, what the heck, I'll help you out…ha. Haha! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!

(Frieza throws his head back in maniacal laughter. Flaming brimstone rains from the heavens, covering the battlefield. Ash gets hit with a few pieces, but finds his senses and puts up a shield. Ryo's armor protects him from the rock, and absorbs the flame. Everyone else hides behind Zarbon's barrier)

Heero: How in the...

Ash: What is this?!

Frieza: What, can't you make fire rain from the sky?

Ryo: (thinking) _Whoa. Maybe I really am outclassed here. But I can't give up!_ (end thought) Thanks for the boost, Frieza! Now, let's settle this Ash.

(Ryo concentrates, committing himself to pouring all his energy into this next attack)

Ryo: **Rage of Inferno!!!**

(Ryo's soul swords of fervor erupt in a stream of white fire. Ash extends one arm and meets it with an unimpressive energy beam. They clash for about five minutes. Sweat pours down Ryo's head; an aura of flame surrounds his white armor. Ash appears bored)

Ash: Alright, I'm tired of this.

(Ash puts out a minimal effort and overwhelms the struggling Ryo. The warrior is engulfed in the blast, and sent flying back.

His armor protects his body from melting, but his energy is spent. Ash decides to finish him with a heavy downward kick from 50 feet in the air. A crater results, filling with the blood flowing from every opening on Ryo's face. Ash prepares to destroy the unconscious Ryo)

Frieza: That's enough! The boy is done. Now it's time to start the REAL fight.

Trowa: Someone, go help him!

Frieza: No. He made his decision, and now he must live with it...or die by it.

Ash: That fight was insulting!

Frieza: Oh, I don't know. I'd say you could learn something from him. Too bad he had no idea what his place was...

Ash: Well, he's just a dumb boy, like you!

Frieza: ...a 12 year old is calling me "boy"? And that made no sense regardless. Do you enjoy making yourself look stupid?

Ash: ...grrr! RRRAAAAA!!!!

(Suddenly, Heero's ship lands)

Dr. J on loud speaker: Hi Heero!

Heero: DR. J!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. J: I got bored, so I decided to help! (button pressing noise is heard)

Strange voice from loud speaker: Send in...the clowns...AAAAAWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA HAW HAW HAW!!!!!!!

(Dr. J's army of robotic clowns marches out carrying squeaky hammers, long balloons, and seltzer bottles. Clowny music begins. They dance in circles around Ash, and begin beating and spraying him)

Ash: Ah! Ah! No! Stop!!! Help me!! Noo-hey, wait a minute. This doesn't hurt.

(Ash blows up the clowns)

Dr. J: NOOOO!!!! My clowns!!!! Now you will feel my wrath!!!

(Dr. J presses a button labeled "Dr. J's wrath". A laser pops out and moves in front of Ash's face. It glows blue and radiates with energy. The ground quakes, and rings of energy move around the point. After 10 seconds, a rubber duck flies out at low velocity, hitting Ash's head, quacking on impact)

Ash: Ow. What the?...

Heero: Get down!!!

(Heero and Trowa dive behind a rock)

Goku: What's the big deal? It's just a rubber duck.

Heero: Whenever Dr. J does something, it tends to explode...

Ash: What the hell was that?

Dr. J: Oops. Wrong button.

(Dr. J presses a button labeled "Dr. J's REAL Wrath". With no charge time at all, the laser fires a concentrated beam. Energy surrounds Ash and explodes. But the smoke clears, and Ash is only slightly hurt)

Ash: Ouch! That hurt!

Dr. J: Uh...gotta go!

(Laser retracts and Dr. J takes off, landing a safe distance away)

Frieza: (annoyed) Does anybody else want to fight this kid?

Ash: Enough stalling! We fight now!

(Ash rushes at Frieza, fists in front, trips on a rock and falls face first on the ground. Frieza smacks his forehead and shakes it)

Frieza: Get it together. Or did the warm up waste the remainder of your intelligence?

(Ash gets up, his face red with embarrassment and anger)

Ash: Why you...you'll see!

Frieza: Oh I doubt that. You see, I have a machine that allows me to train for as long as I want, in a single instant, without aging. Now I'm about 100 times more powerful than when we first fought.

Ash: Oh, I knew about that.

Frieza: You what?

Ash: That's why I didn't even show you a fraction of my power the first time.

Frieza: You WHAT?!?!?!...oh, I get it, you're joking. Maybe when this is over I'll make you into a jester. You could keep Goku company.

Ash: Is he a jester too?

Frieza: ...Your ignorance puts me at ease, so we're going to stop talking now and fight.

Ash: At ease, huh...?

(While Ash is pondering how to exploit his stupidity, Frieza slams a painful fist into his face. An impish grin spreads across Frieza's face. He pounces forward with insane speed, ramming his dainty elbow into the downed Ash's ribs, crushing him into the ground. The emperor straddles Ash's chest, raising one of his fists to strike him in the face)

Frieza: Oh, I'm going to enjoy this!

(He smirks, and brings another fist down hard upon Ash's face. The youngster feels as if he's been hit in the face with a meteorite, for stars are all he sees. The next thing he knows, he is lifted up from the crater...by his head. Frieza's hands tighten around his cranium like a vice. Suddenly, Ash spins around in Frieza's grip, extending a sneaker into his face. Frieza loses his grip and sails across the ground)

Ash: Ow! My face! You were never able to do that before!

Frieza: (getting up) I told you I've been training. And if I were you, I'd be pretty worried after that last scuffle.

Ash: Oh would you? Well, maybe it's time I got serious!

(Ash fades out of sight, surprising Frieza, then reappears behind him. A hard knee is drilled into the tyrant's spine, causing him to curve over. Frieza stumbles backward, where he trips on Ash's foot. As Ash prepares to drive a glowing hand through his abdomen, Frieza twists himself out of the way, and slaps Ash across the face with his tail five times, following this up by wrapping it around his neck and slamming him into the ground)

Frieza: cough Not bad, but you have no idea what you're dealing with.

Ash: (gets up) Neither do you! RAAAAAA!!!!!

(The ground quakes as Ash powers up. They rocket toward a head on collision. A five minute DBZ style fist fight ensues. Both come out bruised and bloody)

Frieza: Eat Frieza beam!

(Frieza extends his finger and unleashes a tempest of red beams. Ash swiftly dodges all of it while accelerating toward Frieza to counter. Frieza changes his strategy and launches twin cutting discs, cackling menacingly as they seek their target. Ash karate chops them, reducing them to glowing red sparks)

Frieza: WHAT TH-!!!

(Frieza's surprise doesn't last long. It ends about the time Ash's elbow hits his face. He catches himself in mid-air, not far back, and prepares his next attack. He puts his hands together in a prayer-like position. A chilling blue glow slowly radiates between them. The sweltering temperature of the sun-bleached battlefield begins to drop rapidly. A polar wind sails through, radiating from the malevolent lizard-like figure, causing the spectators to shiver. Ash watches with curiosity. Frieza suddenly stretches his hands to the sky, and shouts)

Frieza: DIE!!!

(Huge chunks of ice explode from the blue ball he was forming. Ash dodges the first wave easily enough, but the rest home in. Ash takes a couple of lumps, but soon finds that blocking them isn't painful at all)

Ash: What kind of attack is this?

Frieza: Oh, you just wait.

(And wait he does! For another two minutes. But in all the mindless ice breaking, Ash fails to notice that the source of the ice is getting bigger. Frieza finally throws the massive blue sphere, flanked by miniature glaciers. Ash slowly fades from view as he is consumed by the icy blue light. His screams of pain suddenly cease as his body becomes encased in ice)

Frieza: Now you're mine!

(Frieza soars toward the falling ice block, and slams his fist into it. It shatters into pieces)

Frieza: Ahahahahahahahaa!!!! Too bad, I was hoping to leave a body. Oh well. Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

(Ash appears behind him)

Ash: Not bad. You almost had me.

(Frieza looks scared for a moment, but his expression soon reverts to angry frustration)

Heero: How did he do that?

Goku: Ash moved so fast that he passed between the molecules in the ice. It's hard to imagine, I know.

Frieza: You impudent child! Speed won't save you from me!

Ash: That's what he said (points to Ryo). Now it's my turn!

(Another DBZ style fist fight breaks out. Afterward, Ash withdraws and brings his arms to his side and begins powering up. His scrawny muscles bulge, and his body becomes incased in a blue aura. The sky darkens, and the ground begins to tremble as small pieces of debris gravitate up to meet the fighters and are reduced to dust)

Trowa: Now what are they doing?

Zarbon: Ash is powering up for some big attack. Don't worry, we'll keep you shielded.

(Ash throws his head back and screams as the power he has summoned surges through his body. A tempest of wind, paired with wave upon wave of spiritual force nearly blows the spectators away. The surrounding earth shatters, and whisks itself into the distance. Ash's scream fades to an echo, though the quakes do not falter. Ash spins his hat, and goes into that anime thing he does before he throws a pokeball)

Ash: Pokemon Flash!!!

(Ash finishes his spin and hurls a crackling ball of energy at Frieza, similar in properties to the Poke-beam. Frieza puts up his defense, but rather than the ball colliding with him as he anticipated, it explodes before him. The sudden release of energy casts Frieza and company into the horizon. The searing might of the attack tears bits of flesh from Frieza's body, adding burns to his already bruised and bloody physique. He slams into the ground with tremendous force, and bounces for several feet. The proud emperor slowly picks himself up from the puddle of lavender blood forming beneath him)

Frieza: (strained) Your attack is strong and flashy, but it's really just a waste of energy, and...stupid.

Ash: The blood coming out of your right eye argues otherwise.

Frieza: That's my left eye, you imbecile.

Ash: ...shut up!

Frieza: Child...

(Frieza composes himself, restoring his voice to its former haughtiness and arrogance)

Frieza: I almost pity you for what you're about to experience...ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Do you hear me boy?! It's over! Your life ends here!!!

(Frieza clenches his fists, jumps into the air, throws his head back, and screams at the top of his lungs. An enormous gust of wind explodes through the wasteland as Frieza releases his anger. The viewers look on in worry and fear as the gusts become stronger. The dust of the fallen hills and mountains ascend to the sky's mad calling. Soon, the dust begins to take shape. A cyclone, whose size and strength have never before been matched on this planet, erects itself over the torn landscape. Ash is taken by surprise by the speed in which these events take place. The all-consuming winds draw everything in. Rubble, plants, whole plates of ground are taken up by the roots. Fortunately, the Pokemon Flash attack sent Heero and crew far enough away to escape. Wind and dust tear across Ash's flesh, ripping holes, and gradually sanding him down. He flies through the air, huge clumps of debris slamming into him at speeds around 350mph)

Zarbon: We have to get out of here!!!

(Zarbon and Goku grab Heero and Trowa and take flight)

Heero: Wait! Get Ryo!!

Zarbon: No time!!!

Frieza: And now...for the attack...

(Gas lines, which lay under distant streets, are now exposed. Entire power plants, bomb factories, and everything else within 72 square miles, have been sucked up. The towering maelstrom is highly combustible. Frieza takes advantage of this by launching a small fireball in the general direction of forward. It is drawn into the mad gale. The sudden release of heat, sound, and energy causes the tectonic plates to shake violently, resulting in cracking and shattering, as well as planet wide quakes. The trembling planet seeks to vent its wrath upon the mad Frieza, but in its rage only serves to aid him. The ground separates and ascends into the dark sky. The bowels of the earth are vomited to the surface in the form of blazing red magma. The intensity of its glow in this ever-darkening land is astounding. The exploding pillars of liquid rock join the tornado in its deadly spin. After the immediate heat and blinding flash of the initial explosion passes, a raging column of whirling fire can be seen from space, ruling the sky as an unquestioned sovereign. However, Frieza isn't quite satisfied yet.

Lightning flashes and thunder claps. The massive storm has drawn in every cloud from legions around. A dangerously heavy downpour ensues. That is, it would be dangerous if any of it ever saw the ground. The rain (and well as many of the clouds themselves) is drawn into the greedy monster, giving it a threateningly black color. The lava begins solidifying, probably on Ash, creating larger obstacles. Although half immersed in water, much of the blaze still continues. Now, it is prepped for the next strike.

The sky grows increasingly menacing. Lightning streaks and flails outward at a rate unseen in nature. The storm focuses its attack on the terrifying funnel, striking various parts of it, much of these parts being Ash. The electrical energy travels through the rainwater, shocking everyone and everything within (still Ash). Frieza watches and waits until sufficiently satisfied that a very painful and crushing blow had been dealt...before finishing the attack with one more phase.

Frieza closes his eyes, ignoring the chaos and shear madness outside, and summons his energy. Over the howling insanity, the fearsome din of Frieza's vigorous cry can hardly be discerned. With another whisper in the devastation, he focuses his power into one final attack. Moments later, an unfathomably large column of energy explodes upward from the base of the cyclone, which has taken on the properties of a demon. Surely screams of fear and pain would be echoing though the vociferous sky, if the hellish wailing of the torrent weren't controlling the realm of sound.

Frieza grins, and decides that this is enough. Nothing could possibly have survived that magnitude of force. Frieza makes a cutting motion with his hands. As quickly as it formed, the cyclone is gone. Overhead, dust, fire, and rock rain down. Frieza stands on what remains of the battlefield: a barren crater, torn with several volcanoes. The sky gradually clears.)

Frieza: Pant Ha. pant Haha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! That felt so good! pant There's no way any part of him could be left. pant I wonder if I went a bit too far...I'm going to pretend I didn't say that...Hm hm hm...heh heh heh...AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!! Ha gasp.

(Frieza collapses to the ground and lies there. Heero and crew fly the many miles back to the center of the battle site)

Zarbon: Master Frieza, are you ok?! Get up!...You did it Frieza, you did it!

(Heero stares into the endless crater)

Heero: Unbelievable...

(Frieza stirs)

Frieza: (strained to a whisper) Uh...huh?...haha. Of course I did. Did you ever doubt me?

Zarbon: Of course not sir! Here, let me help you up.

Trowa: Peace again at last.

Heero: Ryo...you sacrificed everything just so you could be true to yourself...you won't be forgotten. May you rest in peace.

(Frieza returns shakingly to his feet)

Frieza: Don't give up on him yet.

Heero: He was stronger than we all thought, but there's no way he could have survived THAT. You know that as well as I do.

Frieza: Oh, I don't know. I took some pity on the poor dope and sent him to the top of the tornado. And all that fire and lava I poured into it may have given him enough strength to survive the fall. He's probably out there somewhere.

Heero: Really? Well, thanks! Trowa and I will go find him. I guess you'll want to be getting back soon.

Frieza: Yes...

(Frieza walks to the edge of the crater and stares)

Frieza: You've truly given me the greatest challenge I've had in ages. It was wonderful fun. We'll have to do it again sometime. Hahaha!

Ash: That can be arranged.

(Frieza's face becomes possessed with raw fear. The group turns quickly to find themselves face to face with the heavily battered boy-child of their nightmares. Blood pours from charred, flaking skin. His cloths are shredded and burned (except for his hat), resembling his body. A blood-drenched lock of hair drips over two frozen, unrelenting eyes. Frieza backs away slowly, almost stumbling back into the pit)

Frieza: It...it can't be...

Goku: What is he?

Ash: I am Ash Catchum, Pokemon trainer extraordinaire, friend to human kind, and the most powerful being in the universe!

Trowa: Are you the same Ash Catchum who was banished to the land of Fire and Death by the Nintendo world?

Ash: What?! Who told you that?!

Trowa: So it is you! But how did you escape? And why are you all-powerful?

Ash: So I guess you've been to the Nintendo planet, huh? Well, you should know that the land of Fire and Death down there isn't the one I went to. It's a side effect of the joining. The world I spent two hell filled years in was not included in the joining. For two whole years, I burned in a flame that attacked my soul. But my Pokemon friends weren't affected. They helped keep me sane...and alive. But on that fateful day three years ago, the joining came and released me. Not from the world, but from the horrible, endless nightmare I'd been trapped in. See, even though we weren't involved directly in the joining, our dimension was kind of "next door". I don't know how, but when the joining hit, I woke up, and had super powers! My scientists think it had something to do with my body chemistry, the strange flames, and the unpredictable nature of the joining. With a little practice, I figured out how to use most of my powers. I was feeling pretty angry and hurt, so I built an army of pokemon. They breed very fast, so I had a few trillion in a week. Two years later, some crazy guy accidentally opened a portal and set me free. And so here we are!

Frieza: ...Zarbon, make a note. When this is over, put a much closer watch on mad scientists.

Zarbon: Right sir...

Trowa: So this is all because of a fluke?

Ash: Not really. I'd say it was destiny. I was meant to lead this world to a new golden age!

Frieza: Golden age? You're putting the entirety of society under mind control and leading them to the eventual collapse of civilization! You call that 'destiny'?!

(With this, Ash punches Frieza in the gut. He bends over, blood exploding from his mouth, and then gets hammered into a crater in the ground. He does not rise.)

Zarbon: Master Frieza!!!

Ash: It's all over! You should have never come back. I'm a much better ruler than you are anyway! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!

(While Ash is praising himself, the Pope runs up behind him, whacks him over the head with a golf club, tosses the bent club away, repeats 8 times, and runs for dear life. Ash falls unconscious)

Trowa: ..................Um..........

Heero: Uh.........

Zarbon: That was the Pope. Back when Master Frieza fought Goku, he hit him over the head with an enchanted baseball bat, making him less evil. I suspect this is something similar.

(Ash gets up, clutching his head)

Ash: Ow GOD!!! That hurts!!! Which one of you did that?!!

Heero: Hey Ash, how do you plan to run your government?

Ash: What? Um...with pokemon?

Heero: I guess they don't cure stupidity.

Goku: So what do we do now?

Zarbon: I don't know...his power is beyond anything I could have imagined...I guess the universe is doomed. We've failed.

(Elsewhere, in a crater not far off)

Clown: honk, honk.

(Um…in another…crater…)

Ryo: (thinking) Virtue!

(The symbol of virtue appears over Ryo's forehead. Struggling, he pries himself from the ground, bits of rock clinging to his white armor. He spits out the blood left in his mouth and wipes some debris from his face. He marches wearily toward Ash. He walks up behind the child and hits him over the head with the hilt of his sword, knocking him flat on his face)

Heero: Ryo!

Trowa: You're...walking!

Zarbon: How in the-

Ryo: My armor is self-healing. You guys get clear. I'm gonna finish Ash.

Heero: Ryo, have you got brain damage? You didn't even come close to hurting him the first time!

Ryo: Heero, I can't run away. I won't let him do any more damage than he's already done. It's my responsibility to try and stop him, whatever the odds!

Heero: I understand, Ryo. Good luck. You'll need it.

(The crew walks away, leaving Ryo to fight with Ash)

Zarbon: Your friend's crazy; you _do_ know that.

Heero: There's a fine line between bravery and insanity. Neither samurai nor soldier knows such a line.

(Ash gets up)

Ash: Damnit!!! Hey, didn't I just kill you?

Ryo: Shut up and fight, moron.

Ash: Didn't I beat you hard enough the first time?!

(Ash launches a fury of ki blasts at Ryo. He puts on a stunning display of speed and skill as he dodges and destroys them with his blades. While he jumps around, Ash levitates a huge chunk of ground and sends it careening into the warrior. Ryo points his sword straight out, piercing into the enormous hunk of debris, though this fails to hinder it in any way. It slams into him with crushing force, throwing him back for several yards and burying him into the ground. Ash looks on in mild satisfaction, and starts to leave, when the sound of the rock exploding catches his attention. Ryo emerges, already looking tired, and marches back to meet his enemy)

Ash: (whining) You're no fun. And I'm tired of fighting.

Ryo: Too bad!

(Ryo runs headlong into his opponent. Ash creates a long, red rod of energy and another sword duel begins. It goes on for a short while with Ash yawning his way through it. After a short time, Ash simply increases his speed, moves between Ryo's swords, and smacks him across the face. He compliments this by driving an energy beam into Ryo's armored chest, leaving him in a scorched crater)

Ryo: cough, cough Man! Ancient, give me strength! I must stop this evil! cough If only my friends were here...

(Suddenly, the other 4 Ronin warriors appear in full armor)

Sai: Hey Ryo!

Sage: How've you been?

Ryo: Guys...am I hallucinating?

Sai: Nope. Ronin teleport.

Ryo: What?

Rowen: Didn't the Ancient One tell you?

(Ancient One appears)

Ancient: Oh Ryo, I forgot. Uh (start spooky voice), I've come to tell you of a powerful new technique!

Ryo: You're a bit late!

Ancient: Oh...uh, gotta go!

(Ancient vanishes)

Kento: ...so anyway...looks like you could use some help!

Ryo: Sai, did you put them up to this?

Sai: Hey, you didn't really think I'd let you fight Ash by yourself, did you?

Ryo: But how did you know I was here?

Sage: We're on T.V., Ryo.

Ryo: What?

Sage: Look.

(Points to Dr. J's ship with a camera on top)

Ryo: Oh...

Ash: What the hell is this?!

Kento: Shut the up you little brat!!!

Ash: Why you-

Rowen: Yah, save yourself the embarrassment!

(Ash fires an enormous blast of energy, which consumes them all. They are all protected from the burn by their armor, but the force of impact causes minor concussions. They rise painfully)

Sage: Aw man!

Kento: I still don't see how that kid could be so strong!

Sai: Hey, wait a minute...Ryo, how did you get your white armor without us?

Ryo: The Ancient gave me the power to summon it whenever I want!

Sage: So…what would happen if we added our power to yours when you already have the white armor?

Ryo: ...I…don't know.

Rowen: Well, let's give it a try!

(The other four Ronins focus their spirits. A sphere of light matching their armor's color surrounds them)

Rowen: Armor of Strata!

Sai: Armor of Torrent!

Kento: Armor of Hardrock!

Sage: Armor of Halo!

All: Dao-chi!!!

(The ball of light besetting each Ronin bursts forth, spiraling majestically into Ryo. As they collide on his form, his body begins to quake with holy energy, as does the ravaged ground, and his spiritual ki warps into the dimensions of beyond. His eyes become gold with immaculate righteousness, and the purity of his own humanity. The magic of Virtue, Trust, Justice, Wisdom, and Life enhance his heart and excel his might. A dazzling explosion of unnaturally white light shoots from Ryo. The very planet rumbles with this awesome energy. The light solidifies about Ryo's skin, gradually dimming to a brilliant golden armor. His Soul swords of Fervor now sport pristine golden blades, reverberating with an awe inspiring holy spirit. The gilded Ronin clasps his swords with a killer instinct, stepping forward mercilessly as his speed begins to increase)

Sai: What on Earth...

Sage: I know this! Mia once told me about some new files she found in her grandfather's diary. They described an armor that shone like the heavens, which would reveal itself only when an insurmountable enemy appeared. He called it the Armor of Sol.

(Ash backs away slowly, overtaken by the enormous power. Frustrated with his own quivering, he regains his composure)

Ash: Grr...you just have some new armor! You're still way too slow to handle m-

(Ash stops in mid-sentence as Ryo vanishes. He spins around quickly to find a glowing gold fist in his face. He corkscrews through the air and skids across the grating sand. He rises, hands over his melting face)

Ash: You bastard! (Ash's hands glow blue and heal his face). EAT THIS!!!

(Ash's rage erupts in a storm of small energy balls, all of which crash into Ryo. After about a minute of this, Ash finally gets tired)

Ash: Ha!

Sai: Ryo!

(But the smoke clears to reveal Ryo is unscathed)

Ash: What!?

Kento: Wow...that's some strong armor!

Ash: Alright, let's see how fast you really are!

(Ash forms two energy blades and rushes his opponent. The spectators look on in disbelief as they dart about at light speed, ripping up the ground with every attack)

Zarbon: They're...terrifying!

Trowa: What's that...smothering feeling?

Zarbon: That's their power.

Trowa: Whoa...

(The sword battle continues for another five minutes, and concludes with Ryo kicking Ash in the groin, then slicing him across his neck. However, rather than beheading him, the sword merely knocks him away, his aural shield protecting him)

Ash: (thinking) _I know I'm stronger than him. But how can I beat him?...Oh right, I can fly!_

(Ash takes to the skies, looking down on the grounded Ryo)

Ash: Now feel my true power! RRRAAAAAAAHAAAAAA!!!!!!

(Ash fires a massive energy beam toward his opponent waiting below, which would unquestionably destroy the planet should it miss. Ryo joins his swords at the hilt and spins them, as if preparing to do a Flare up now. But rather than a slashing motion, he pulls it back to his side, as if charging a Kamehameha wave)

Ryo: ...**Super (echo, echo, echo) Nova!!!**

(Ryo extends his spinning blades, and from them leaps a golden beam of size to match Ash's. They power struggle for a while, but Ryo wins. Ash lands far away, charred and slightly bloody)

Kento: Ha! This'll be over in five minutes!

(Suddenly, Ash appears in the air behind them, holding Dr. J by the neck)

Ash: Everybody freeze or I'll kill him!

Ryo: You'd be doing us a favor.

Ash: Don't act like you don't care! You want to save him!

Ryo: No, really, we don't mind. He's crazy. Besides, you probably couldn't kill him. He's, uh...immortal.

Ash: Really?

Dr. J: Huh? Oh, yes! Immortal! Bow before me infidels!

Ash: Aw...

(Ash tosses Dr. J away and blows him up. Metal parts rain down)

Ash: Huh?

Ryo: Robot.

(Ash begins to twitch and lands)

Ash: I can't lose! I'm the good guy!

Sage: ...this guy was running our universe for HOW long?

(Suddenly, Heero appears in a headlock in Ash's arms. Zarbon turns in surprise to the spot where Heero was standing less than a second ago)

Trowa: Some protection you two are.

Ash: Alright, this time I've got it right.

Ryo: (firmly) Let him go.

Ash: I don't think so! Now lower your weapons!

Ryo: I...

Heero: Don't listen Ryo! You know I'm ready to die!

Ryo: But...

(Ryo lowers his swords)

Ash: Good. Now kill yourself and I'll let everyone go, and we can all go on with our lives...well, except you and Frieza.

(Ryo looks deeply at his swords)

Ryo: ...for my friends...

Heero: Ryo! You can't let Ash get away! It's your responsibility to destroy evil, remember?!

(Ryo looks up at Ash, then at his hands. He closes his eyes and clenches his fists. He knows what he must do. Ash holds Heero up as a shield, desperately trying to change the charging Ryo's mind, but he will not be stopped. With a tear in his eye, he runs his sword through Heero and Ash. Ash lets out a final scream as Ryo charges holy energy through his blade, finishing him and Heero. Ryo slides them off and sheaths his swords. Everyone else runs up)

Kento: (slaps Ryo on the back). Alright Ryo! You did it!

Sai: Yeah!

Goku: Way to go!

Ryo: This is no time to celebrate, guys.

Goku: Oh...

(Frieza manages to crawl out of the crater he's been in)

Frieza: My boy, that was spectacular! I don't know where you got so strong, but congratulations! Come, we'll celebrate your victory (and my recoronation) back on planet Frieza.

Ryo: First we have to bury Heero.

Frieza: Why? For that little scratch?

Ryo: It was enough to kill him.

Frieza: …boy, do you mean to tell me that you killed Ash, but you can't even sense that he's alive?

Ryo: What? You must still be dizzy, because I charged him with enough energy to kill Ash.

Frieza: I don't know how, but he IS alive. But not for long, unless I stop that bleeding.

(Frieza goes to telekinetically seal the hole in Heero's chest, but stops.)

Frieza: What? Where's the wound?

Ryo: Huh?

Trowa: Again?

(Heero stirs)

Ryo: Heero!

Heero: (strained)...how am I alive this time?

Ryo: The same way as last time, I guess.

Heero: Dr. J?

Ancient: Not quite.

(All turn in surprise)

Ryo: Ancient! You mean this was your doing?

Ancient: Yep! Just a little something to keep you from giving up. You are as strong as I'd hoped, Ryo of Wildfire. But now you may rest. Peace shall come at last, for all worlds.

Ryo: Thank you, Ancient One.

Ancient: Thank _you_, Ryo.

(Ancient fades away. Ryo and Trowa help Heero up)

Heero: I'll be ok.

(Relena and Dr. J exit the ship)

Relena: Heero!

(She runs up and gives Heero a big, teary hug)

Relena: You did it!

Heero: Hey, I just brought him here.

Dr. J: That was some extraordinary armor, Ryo. I should make my own!

Heero: Dr. J, I told you not to come here.

Dr. J: But you needed me!

Heero: You didn't do anything!

Dr. J: Hey! I hit him with a duck!

(Pope runs up)

Pope: Oh! Praise the Lord you're all safe!

Relena: The...Pope?

Pope: When Frieza fell, I was sure we were all doomed. But you! I could hardly believe my eyes! God certainly shines upon you...uh, what were you called again?

Ryo: We're Ronin warriors.

Pope: Ah, yes. Well, thank you noble warrior!

Ryo: Too bad your golf clubs didn't work. It would have saved us the trouble.

Heero: Yeah. I guess he wasn't evil, just stupid.

Pope: Oh, those weren't like the enchanted baseball bat that healed Frieza. Those were my Enchanted Golf Clubs of **_PAIN_**!!! (maniacal emphasis on pain)

(Frieza puts his arm around the Pope's shoulders)

Frieza: (friendly voice) Miiiiiike. We're friends, right? Yes, well then, (tightens hold, deepens voice) I THOUGHT you told me you didn't HAVE anymore enchanted sports equipment!

Pope: (Slightly strangulated) I couldn't tell you! It's an ancient secret!

Frieza: Well...let's make sure we only use it if we have to.

Pope: Of course! You don't need to worry!

(Awkward silence)

Ryo: Well...we beat Ash!

Trowa: ...so what do you want to do now?

(Scene zooms into Heero's mind. Start mini scene to the tune of "Lazy days Living in paradise" (Big the Cat's theme music from SA1). Heero, Ryo, and Trowa run up a hill to an elementary school playground and begin dancing on the equipment. Ryo surfs the seesaw, Trowa's the king of the slide, and Heero dances on top of the monkey bars. Some way into the song, an old woman who's doing paper work in the school building notices them out the window, makes a horrified face, and calls the police [no voices can be heard throughout this scene]. There's more dancing, then two police officers arrive. They yell at Heero and shake their fist. Heero responds and makes an explaining gesture, which seems to say "It's just blah blah". Then they answer and make a gesture that seems to say "Oh, is that all?". Then the police join Heero on the jungle gym and dance for a bit more. Then the old lady notices the dancing police and goes out and yells at them. One officer makes the same explaining motion Heero did. The old lady stares blankly and disturbedly at them and resumes yelling. Then the officer shoots her. And they dance some more, until the mental asylum arrives, puts them in strait jackets and drags them away as the song ends. Zoom out of Heero's mind)

Heero: Nah...

Trowa: So what are we gonna do?

(Silence)

Gang: Loot the corpse!!!

(The three hop on Ash's dead body and begin taking his valuables)

Heero: I've got his shoes!

Trowa: I've got his gemstone badges!

Ryo: I've got his jewel-encrusted hat!

Dr. J: Can I have his liver?

(The others stare blankly at this shameful display)

Zarbon: ...what are you doing?

Trowa: Oh. Sorry for being rude, but you see, we're very poor.

Frieza: Well not anymore. I'm giving you all a huge reward and good jobs! You've each proven that you're hard workers and brave warriors. But for now, let us rest and make merry. When we arrive at my palace, there will be a feast the likes of which you could never imagine!

(They all walk off toward Frieza's toppled and battered ship)

Heero: ...hey Frieza?

Frieza: Yes?

Heero: Do you have any pixie stix?


	38. Epilogue

**Epilogue **

(Scene opens in Frieza's palace. Ash is stuffed and mounted over the mantle. People from every part of the universe have come to enjoy Frieza's celebration of his recoronation)

Ryo: Man! This is an amazing party! Look at all the food! And I never knew so many kinds of wine existed!

(Heero makes an agreeing sound)

Ryo: ...So Heero, what are you planning to do now that the battle is over?

Heero: I'm not sure…what did I used to do?

Ryo: Hey…what did I used to do?

Heero: I think I owned a candy shop/deli in the middle of a desert…what the hell was I thinking?

Ryo: Hey, yeah…and I drove a truck…

Trowa: And I…have no idea how I met you two. It all seems like a dream now.

Ryo: Yeah. In fact, I can't remember anything since we left Titania.

(Frieza overhears this)

Frieza: Good lord, you people are from Titania?!

Ryo: Yeah.

Frieza: The oceans of that planet give off a powerful narcotic element that fills the air! Everyone who lived there was in a perpetual drug fantasy!

Trowa: Wow…that explains so much.

Ryo: Well…I guess this is a new beginning for us then.

Trowa: Yes. Frieza helped me find Catherine. I wrote to her, and she said she's started a new circus. I plan on joining it after a few more days of rest. What about you Ryo? Did you take Frieza's offer?

Ryo: No. Mia and I are getting back together. We've both matured a lot in five years, so we've agreed to give it another try. But Frieza did promise to pay for my collage tuition!

Heero: Cool. Congratulations.

Ryo: Uh...guys, since we're all splitting up...who gets stuck with Dr. J?

(Silence. Elsewhere, away from the crowds)

Goku: You're letting me go?!

Frieza: Not quite. I'd like you to keep your job, but I'm going to start paying you. And you can have more time off...and I'll beat you less.

Goku: Wow! I can't believe it! But why?

Frieza: Well, I've realized that I don't hate you so much anymore. You've more than paid for what you did to me on Namak. I hold no grudge. So let's just move on with our lives. Deal?

(Frieza holds out his hand. Goku shakes it. Meanwhile, back at the party)

Sonic: So you're the Nintendo guys.

Mario: A'yes.

Sonic: You don't look so strong.

Luigi: I show'a you strong!!!

(Luigi attacks Sonic with a club. Sonic vanishes and reappears behind Mario. Luigi runs around the party hopelessly flailing his club, trying to find him)

Mario: You're-a very fast.

(Elsewhere)

Duo: (To some bimbo) So, I just saved the world. Can I buy you a drink?

(Elsewhere again)

Reyoko: Come on Tenchi, have some wine!

Tenchi: I'd rather not.

Reyoko: But it's good for you! Now get drunk!

Aeka: Leave him alone! Lord Tenchi doesn't have to drink if he doesn't want to.

Reyoko: Nobody asked you. In fact, I'd say you could use a shot yourself. You're looking pretty uptight.

Aeka: You be quiet! You should be ashamed! You're drunk off your-

(Elsewhere again)

Frieza: By the way, where is that strange fellow who put the chronostone in the blender?

Heero: I'm afraid he couldn't make it.

Frieza: Oh. That's too bad.

Heero: No it's not.

(Frieza approaches the front podium and taps his glass with a spoon)

Frieza: Your attention please! I'd like to say a few words. We're here today to celebrate my return to the throne, but we wouldn't be here at all if it weren't for the help of three boys who had the audacity to march into my throne room and tell me they would fight Ash. We owe our lives and our freedom to them. Let's give them a hand! Come on up, boys!

(The crowd applauds as Heero, Ryo, and Trowa come up to the podium)

Frieza: Would you say a few words, Ryo?

Ryo: Ha. What can I say? All we did was follow our hearts, and-

(Suddenly, little fireman robots come up and begin chipping away at the set with little axes, and scaring the guests. A screen descends over the back wall with Dr. J on it)

Dr. J: Hi Heero!

Heero: DR. J!!!

**Aftermath **

Heero Yuy: Having seen peace restored at last, Heero vanished into the depths of space, continuing his search for meaning in times of peace.

Ryo Sanada: He got back together with Mia. They live a happy life on planet Frieza, and have a good outlook for the future. For saving the universe, Frieza is paying Ryo's collage tuition fee. He's studying to be a politician.

Trowa Barton: Just as he'd planned, he met with Catherine, who'd really missed him while he was gone and adored the fact that he saved the universe because it would bring in more customers. He has rejoined the circus, and can be seen performing every weekday except Thursday.

Frieza: After Ash's defeat and his return to the throne, Frieza's forces battled the remaining pockets of Pokemon and Pokemon worshipers. The war was much shorter than originally anticipated. Within two years, all Pokemon forces had been cleaned up. Frieza still rules the universe with his trusted friend and minion Zarbon by his side. It is rumored that he occasionally gets bored, and performs various mischief for amusement.

Dr. J: Dr. J's location is unknown. It is rumored, however, that he is following Heero Yuy, and pestering him on a daily basis.

Goku: He decided to stay on as Frieza's houseboy, but on more friendly terms. He takes a lot of time off to see his wife and kid.

Chi-chi: Chi-chi's restaurant/bar suffered a minor recession during the Pokemon war, and she herself suffered during the disappearance of her husband, but business is better than ever. She even has a new dish called "The gilded Ronin", which consists of a burger with extra mushrooms.

The rest of the Ronin Warriors: They all went home, back to their jobs. They can sleep better knowing their friend is finally on the right track.

The 7 Chaos Emeralds: While Knuckles was trying to fix them, he one day noticed that they'd fused with the 7 Dragonballs. He managed to separate them, but destroyed the Dragonballs in the process.

The Freedom Fighters: They survived long enough to join up with the Nintendo planet. They are now one of the universe's most powerful forces.

The rest of the Z Gang: Frieza finally forgave Goku, and so his friends were finally allowed to get decent jobs. As soon as Bulma heard, she sold her restaurant to a pantless red guy and reopened Capsule corp.

Pokemon: Rather than completely destroying these strange little creatures, Frieza has assigned them to more menial tasks, and to be served in restaurants. The pokemon T.V. show and other propagandal devices were banned, of course. Pokemon battling is legal, but unpopular.

The snipe show: Upon Ash's defeat, it was immediately returned to television, where it went on to become one of the universe's favorite programs, winning several Emmys.

The Pope: He decided that running around the universe bringing divine justice to people with enchanted sports equipment had to be some kind of blasphemy, so he went back to his real job as a spiritual leader.

Tenchi and crew: He still lives with the space women. Satellite photos of him yelling at a duck suggest that he may be losing it.

Duo Maxwell: Duo was cured of his annoying behavior by a painful blow to the head from an angry drunk. He returned to Hilde at the scrap yard, and they now live a luxurious life trading stocks and such.

Relena Peacecraft: She spoke to Frieza, and is now a royal ambassador. She has already made great strides toward peace with both new and Pokemon planets alike. Rumor has it that she is occasionally seen with a young man matching Heero's description, though no information has yet been confirmed.

And so a long, hard earned peace came to the people of the ten worlds

But the hearts of heroes never rest

May their spirits be quenched

And for them a place be held

Whether in war or peace

The End


	39. Bloopers

**Bloopers**

(Stuff that could have happened, but didn't)

Chapter 1  
(The releashing)

(5:40 P.M. Scene opens on a planet in the outer reaches of the known universe. A man stands in front of a portal device in a rocky cliff terrain, laughing maniacally)

Crazy man: Ggyyahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!! Soon my friends...soon I shall bring you forth into this world. And with the gifts you bring me, I shall conquer it! Hahahahahahahaha!!!

(Crazy man pushes a button on the portal device. A gateway opens and an axe-toting Pikachu walks out)

Crazy guy: Hey! Who the hell are you? And where's my pizza?

(Pikachu takes out pizza)

Crazy guy: Ah, thank you!

(Pikachu walks back into the portal, which then collapses upon itself. The man eats the pizza. It was delicious. The end)

Crazy man: What was I supposed to be doing?

Chapter 15  
(A trip to Godless slaughter) 

Ryo: Hello ladies! You're looking good.

Aeka: Pig!

Reyoko: Get lost!

(They blast him. He flies across the room. He gets up looking very pissed)

Ryo: Grrr. Armor of Wildfire-

Heero: Ryo!

Ryo: Huh? Oh sorry.

Heero: We're their guests. It's not polite to do battle in their house.

Ryo: I disagree. **DAO-CHI!!!!!**

(Ryo dons his armor and does battle with Aeka and Reyoko. Tenchi runs in upon hearing the carnage)

Tenchi: Hey! What are you doing!? Stop it you three!

(A stray blast impales Tenchi's face. Everyone else in the house then arrives. They then go insane and begin mindlessly killing everything. Then Dr. J activates his energy draining machine, and sucks everyone up a vacuum cleaner tube. They are melded into a super ball, which Dr. J throws at a neighboring planet, destroying it. To this day, that ball bounces through space, destroying all in its path. The end)

Chapter 18  
(Dr. J's guile)

Mayonnaise.

Chapter 19  
(The great Gundini)

(As Dr. J is reduced to a sack of broken bones, the universe fades away, and everyone is returned to the real world in Tenchi's living room)

Ryo: We did it!

Heero: We?

Tenchi: I'm glad that's over. Washuu, never build that awful machine again!

Washuu: I'm not making any promises.

(Dr. J walks through the door)

Dr. J: Hi Heero!

(Dr. J is shot)

Ryo: Heero!

(Dr. J walks in)

Dr. J: Hey, you shot my robot!

(Dr. J is shot. Some guy enters)

Guy: Hullo.

Heero: Who the hell are you?

Guy: I don't know.

(Guy is shot. Policeman enters)

Police: Why did you shoot my partner?

Heero: He didn't know who he was.

Police: That's no reason to shoot him. You're under arrest.

(Policeman is shot)

Tenchi: You killed a police officer! You're all insane! Absolutely insane! Nda! Nra!

(Tenchi begins making disturbing sounds and spasming. Tenchi is shot)

Ryo: Heero, you-

(Ryo is shot. Then Trowa. Then Aeka and Reyoko, and eventually everyone in the room. Then Dr. J walks in)

Dr. J: I've done it! I've driven Heero insane! Ahahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!!!

Gun: click…click, click!

Heero: (falls to his knees) NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The end…)

Chapter 20  
(Tokyo terror)

Tuxedo mask: We defend this planet from evil forces. Recently, though, we've been having trouble with the Pokemon. We can't hold them off much longer.

Heero: I'd recommend leaving the planet. But if you intend to stay and fight, you might want to try using shotguns or something. Firearms work well against most of them.

Tuxedo mask: Thanks for the advice. We're going to stay and fight until the end!

Trowa: By the way, do you know where Tokyo dump is?

Sailor moon: It's about twenty miles south of here.

Trowa: Thanks. And good luck in your battles!

(Suddenly, a strange beam rains from the sky over Ryo, causing him to grow to humongous proportions)

Ryo: ...cool!

(Ryo goes on a Godzilla-like rampage through Tokyo)

Tokyo police: Excuse me sir! Kindly end your reign of terror and return to the sea.

Ryo: But I'm not from the sea.

Tokyo police: Oh. Well then you must die!!!

(Tokyo police drop A-bombs on the city, killing all. The end)

Chapter 23  
(Clowntendo world)

Heero: Now Dr. J, where did you get all those clowns?

Dr. J: I built them!

Heero: I thought you said you didn't have any weapons to help us.

Dr. J: They're not exactly weapons. They're more like kazi soldiers.

Heero: Why didn't I notice a huge army of clowns in your lab?

Dr. J: Because I condensed them into this cube (holds up cube of condensed clowns). It fits into the back of this 3 speed blender!

Ryo: Oooo. poke, poke

(Pokes clown cube. Cube explodes, filling the ship with clowns. The walls are torn open by the incredible pressure. They are all crushed. The end)

Chapter 26  
(An argument in Ash's court)

(Scene opens in a small room in Ash's palace. Misty and Brock are sitting on crates, drinking)

Brock: (swigs beer) I can't believe Ash banned this stuff.

Misty: Yeah. Does he really think it will help his messed up world?

Brock: Meh. He'll come to his senses eventually.

Misty: Yeah, but meanwhile, while he's trying to grow up, we all have to suffer!

Brock: Mm. If it weren't for us, he'd have no idea what to do with an empire. Have you ever heard of a ruler that's so powerful, and yet so completely retarded?

Misty: Ah, don't worry. He'll get himself killed somehow, and then we can take over.

Brock: What we? I'm the brains here.

Misty: You? You're just as dumb as Ash!

Brock: At least I don't sleep with him!

Misty: I DO NOT!!!

(Blasts Brock with minor ki blast. Brock blocks)

Brock: Oh come on! There isn't a soul in this palace that doesn't know about it.

Misty: I think you've had too much beer!

Brock: You're the one who's guzzling it like a man! Give me some!

Misty: No way!

(They begin wrestling with the keg)

Brock: I said give it to me you little !

(They begin shouting and swearing. After a few minutes, a guard walks in)

Guard: Ash wants to see you.

Misty: Great! The idiot is calling! What the hell could he possible need?

(They begin to leave)

Guard: One day, that arguing is going to get you in trouble.

Brock: Ah, what do you know?

Misty: Yeah, get back to work!

(The end)

Chapter 28  
(The death of...everything)

Announcer: Oh! And this just in! Ash's royal palace was destroyed earlier this morning! The only survivors, Ash, Misty, and Brock, claim it was a clown bomb hiding among the royal personnel. It is unknown who sent this clown bomb, but Ash promises swift and fatal retaliation to all involved. All hail Ash!!!

Heero: Dr. J?

Dr. J: No! It wasn't me!

Trowa: (Checks the cockpit) Our computer says we jettisoned something in the direction of Ash's palace a while ago. Something big and clown shaped.

Dr. J: I swear!

Heero: Nobody actually believes you, Dr. J.

Dr J: I believe me!

Heero: Nobody cares.

Washuu: I agree.

(Everyone turns with a start)

Heero: What the-

Ryo: How the hell did you get here?!

Washuu: Just a little inter-ship teleportal. Don't tell me "The Great Dr. J" hasn't made you one of those yet.

Dr. J: Of course I have! I just use it for more menial purposes, like sneaking out of my room, or hitting the pilots of passing star-freighters with fruit!

Washuu: Still crazy I see.

Trowa: What do you want?

Washuu: Oh, I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by. You know, say hello, have a few drinks, and (pulls out particle rifle from below screen level) GET BACK AT YOU FOR MESSING WITH MY MACHINE!!!

Trowa: (whispering to Heero) If she wanted to kill us, why didn't she do it while we were on her planet?

Heero: (not whispering) Who cares?

(Heero shoots Washuu. She dies)

Trowa: Well, that was easy.

(Washuu walks through a portal)

Heero: Not this again.

Washuu: Hey, now that wasn't very nice!

(Washuu is shot. She appears on the communications screen with an annoyed look on her face)

Washuu: Alright, that's it. Now I'm just gonna blow you out of the sky.

Dr. J: Not if I do it first!

(Dr. J presses a button causing the surrounding galaxy to implode. The End)

Chapter 29  
(The dipping bird)

Ryo: Man! I still can't believe I won every event!

Heero: Even the figure skating. I didn't know you were so artistic.

Ryo: I guess I just have talent. So how much did we make?

Trowa: I think it was something like 3 trillion. Say, where did you put it?

Ryo: I left my wallet on the table. (Looks at empty table) Hey! Where is it!!!?

(Dr. J enters)

Dr. J: Hey guys, you won't believe my luck! I found this wallet full of money just sitting on our table!

Ryo: Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!

Heero: And what did you do with it?

Dr. J: I bought this dipping bird! (holds up dipping bird)

Heero: You spent 3 trillion dollars on a dipping bird?

Dr. J: Yes. Is there a problem?

(Ryo punches Dr. J. His head falls off. Relena screams)

Heero: Ryo...you killed him...

Ryo: I didn't punch that hard...I think...

Trowa: Hey, this isn't Dr. J. It's a robot!

Heero: Then where's Dr. J?

(Dr. J appears on T.V.)

Dr. J: Attention all inhabitants of the universe! I am now your unquestioned ruler! I demand that all planets pay me homage of one gift basket...and a pie, or perish!!! You have ten seconds.

(Dr. J stares at his watch. Elsewhere...)

Frieza: ...Zarbon, who is that lunatic?

Zarbon: I...don't know...

Dr. J: ...Time's up! I have now programmed Heero's ship to blow up planets at random. Have a nice death!

(T.V. resumes normal broadcasting)

Heero: What?!

(The ship fires a large particle weapon at planet Frieza, destroying it)

Heero: We have to stop the ship!

(They run to the cockpit)

Trowa: The controls are locked!

Relena: We have to do something!

Ryo: Maybe I can cut off the gun.

Heero: It's worth a try. Just be careful.

(Ryo puts on his armor and runs outside the ship. He raises his sword high and cuts the gun off. This causes an unfortunate reaction, blowing up the ship. Then Ash takes over the universe...which Dr. J eventually destroys. The end)

Chapter 29  
(The vortex)

(The entire dome consists of a grassy field, a few trees, a stone structure that appears to be a small house, and a very large machine. A strange man stands hovering over the machine. He turns and walks over to the gang. They wait for him, suspicious)

Strange man: Why hello! You must be the men the press sent over, right?

Heero: Um...yeah...we're very interested in your, uh, (glances at machine)...work. Anything you could tell us would be greatly appreciated.

Strange man: Why I'd be glad to! Come right this way!

(Strange man leads them to the machine)

Strange man: I've created something wonderful. I call it The Total Mal-perspective Vortex!

Heero: The what?

Strange man: No, not "The What", The Total Mal-perspective Vortex! The opposite of The Total Perspective Vortex, the machine that combined the dimensions. You see, with this machine, I will separate the dimensions again, banishing Ash to his homeworld, and restoring everything back to the way it used to be!

Heero: ...are you insane? There's no guarantee that the dimensions will be put back the way they were! And who knows what kind of destruction it will cause!?

Mad man: But it will solve the pokemon problem! I was just about to activate it. How would you like to be the only ones to witness this historic event?

(Heero shoots the mad man)

Heero: Well, there's one threat to peace gone.

(Dr. J pops out of the machine)

Dr. J: Hey guys, this is really interesting! Oh, and I found some fairy cake!

(Holds up half eaten fairy cake)

Dr. J: Want some?

Heero: Dr. J, how did you get in there?

Dr. J: That doesn't matter now. What does matter is-Brrrzzzt

(Dr. J slams the on switch of the Total Mal-perspective vortex. The ten universes split, fly around in pretty circles, then everyone and everything in each universe is meshed together into a giant piece of fairy cake, which floats through oblivion forever and ever. The end)

Chapter 30.5  
(An insignificant event we didn't tell you about)

(Scene opens at noon on the gang's ship. They are enjoying an event they haven't had for a long time: a meal in front of the T.V. watching The Snipe Show. A sniper stands in front of the camera. He scratches himself. He shrugs. He target practices on the wall behind him. He contemplates his existence. He eats lunch. The end)

Heero: What the hell was that?

Announcer: We would like to point out that the writers of this show were high during the making of this episode and are currently in rehab. In the meantime, the snipers will be writing the new episodes. Thank you.

(Dr. J exits from the cockpit)

Dr. J: Guys, there's something you should see.

Heero: How did you get in the cockpit?

Dr. J: Don't worry about that now. Just come take a look.

(They follow him to the cockpit)

Heero: (looking out window) What the hell is that?

Trowa: The ship has no data on it…or anything else for that matter. Why did I even check?

Dr. J: Don't bother us with your problems, Trowa!

Heero: You bother us with yours all the time.

Dr. J: Well that's a special privilege granted to me because I'm insane!

Trowa: …So what should we do?

Ryo: [in full wildfire armor] Let's shoot it!

(They fire a laser at the huge black ball. It shatters, revealing a black cylindrical object, laced with strange golden ribbons)

Ryo: …that's weird. I say we check it out. We've got nothing better to do anyway.

(They fly into the cylinder. After passing through a portal-like passage, they arrive at a dock. Heero, Ryo, and Trowa disembark)

Trowa: What is this place?

Heero: Only one way to find out. Let's explore.

(Suddenly, they are each teleported to separate prison cells)

Ryo: What the…guys? Can you hear me?

(Ryo searches the cell)

Ryo: Where the hell am I…well, I'm not staying!

(Ryo cuts the bars to pieces and walks down the hall. At an intersection, he comes across a young boy)

Jim: Ah! Who are you?

Ryo: I'm Ryo.

Jim: How did you get here?

Ryo: My friends and I were passing by on our ship, and decided to take a look.

Jim: …no. You're not real! (turns to sky) Is this another test!? Huh?! Well I'm not falling for it!

(Jim runs down the hall. Ryo chases after him. Elsewhere…)

Heero: Hmm…

(Heero bangs on the bars and gets a shock)

Heero Damn! Looks like I'll have to wait.

(And wait he does! Two minutes later, a man walks by and notices him)

Gene: Hey, who are you? And how'd you get in there?

Heero: My name is Heero Yuy, and I was transported here. Where are we?

Gene: Welcome to The Galactic Leyline, the most meaningless hellhole in the universe.

Heero: …so why are you here?

(Scene flashes to Trowa talking to Aisha)

Aisha: Well ya see, this thing used to grant wishes, so we came looking for it. But when we got here, we discovered that The Joining screwed it up.

Trowa: How's that?

(Scene flashes to Ryo, whom has caught Jim and calmed him down)

Jim: Now it makes cheap beer to sell in exchange for better beer! When we got here, it caught us and forced us to perform meaningless chores for its amusement.

Ryo: You're slaves?!

(Scene changes to Heero)

Gene: Yeah! We can't even kill ourselves! It makes us immortal while we're in here.

(Scene changes)

Aisha: Oh yeah, and it captured our friend Melphina, and has been using her as an energy source, or something.

(Scene switches)

Ryo: Wow…that's sad.

(Scene switches)

Heero: But do you think you could let me out of here now?

Gene: Sorry, I don't think The Leyline wants me to. It's probably gonna plant an obedience device in your head and make you work like us.

Heero: Maybe I could help you escape.

(Scene moves to Trowa)

Aisha: How would YOU stop the Leyline when I, the mighty Aisha, failed?

Trowa: I have a friend here with mystical power that could destroy planets. I think he can take this ship.

Aisha: Hmm…alright, I'm willing to try. But he'd better be as strong as you say.

(Scene changes again)

Ryo: Don't worry. I'll get you out of here. Now let's find my friends.

Jim: They're probably in other cells. Follow me!

(They run off. Elsewhere…)

Gene: Alright, stand back!

(Gene takes out his gun and 2 shells)

Gene: My last two casters…I've been saving them for a good chance to escape. Well, I guess it's now or never!

(Gene loads his gun and fires an energy blast at the lock. It melts)

Gene: Let's go!

Heero: (drooling) …where did you get that gun?

Gene: Sent away for it. Now come on!

(They run down a hallway similar to the one Ryo is in)

Aisha: Stand aside!

(Aisha tears the door of its hinges)

Trowa: …whoa.

Aisha: Meh. It's nothing. (grabs Trowa by the collar) But if this little escape plan doesn't work and the Leyline punishes me, you're my bitch for the next eternity, got it!!!??

Trowa: (worried) Uh, yeah! Don't worry! Ryo can handle it!

Aisha: He'd better…

(They run down yet another hallway. All of them end up meeting at an intersection)

Ryo: Guys! You're alright!

Heero: We have to get out of here! Do you know the way to the docking bay?

Gene: Nope.

Aisha: Uh…no.

Jim: Haven't a clue.

Trowa: …maybe we should have thought this out for more than 15 seconds…

(They suddenly find themselves surrounded from all sides. In one hall, little harmless looking guard robots rove up. In another, robotic foot soldiers march up with plasma rifles. In the last, an 8-foot cybernetic black bear storms toward them)

Jim: Now what?

Gene: We fight!

(Ryo runs at the soldiers and pretty much annihilates them in 3 seconds, Gene fires his last caster at the little robots, and Aisha transforms into a tiger and kills the bear)

Ryo: Gee. That was…pathetic. You should have tried escaping earlier.

Gene: You haven't seen anything yet.

(Suddenly, a screen displaying the Leyline's face materializes before them)

Leyline: Fools! You shall pay for your disobedience!

(Gene, Jim, and Aisha get shocked from the devices planted inside them, and fall to the ground)

Ryo: Let them go! **Flare up now!!!**

(Ryo attacks the screen. It passes through and makes a big hole in the ship)

Leyline: How dare you!!!?

(The walls around them come alive, and begin blasting Ryo with energy. He falls to his knees)

Leyline: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!!!! Now you shall all become my slaves! Bow before me humans, and tremble! Ahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!!!!!!

(The screen suddenly begins to lose its hold)

Leyline: Warning! Warning! Leyline under attack! Losing…control…going…insane…

(The face contorts and becomes Dr. J)

Dr. J: Hi everyone!

Gene: What…the…

Heero: How is it you always take something bad in the universe and find a way to make it into something much, much worse?

Dr. J: Oh, I think you'll like this one Heero!

Heero: I doubt that highly.

Dr. J: Well you see, I hacked into the Leyline and changed its function! Now instead of brewing beer, its sole purpose it to make this man's life a living hell!

(Screen shows some guy)

Heero: Who's that?

Dr. J: I don't know. He hasn't been born yet. But when he is, this thing will make his life miserable!!!…for five minutes. Then the batteries will run out.

Aisha: Can we leave now?

Dr. J: Yes.

Aisha: Then goodbye!

Gene: How can we ever thank you?

Heero: You can give me that gun (drools over gun).

Gene: Uh…no. But thanks all the same!

(They get Melphina and leave. The gang returns to the ship)

Ryo: Man, that was close!

Trowa: Yeah. And who'd have thought Dr. J would save us?

Heero: Yeah. I guess the imminent danger caused him to go temporarily sane…sort of.

Dr. J: Yes, that was rather heroic of me, wasn't it? Does this mean you'll let me out more often?

Heero: No. Now get to work on something useful.

Dr. J: Aw…

Chapter 33  
(The first moron)

(Trowa also notices the enormous force looming in front of the now pathetic Imperial forces)

Trowa: Aw...crap.

General: Lord Frieza is sending in all remaining units. This is it, guys! It's do or die! Preferably do. Let's g-!

Soldier: What about don't?

General: Don't is not an option, soldier!

Soldier: Actually it is. We could just turn back an-

(General blows up ship)

General: Anyone else think 'don't' is an option?

Soldier: That wasn't me you blew up, sir.

(General blows up another ship)

Soldier: Nope. Still not me.

General: Men, begin killing each other until the man who said that is found!

Trowa: That seems kind of-

General: Kill him too! In fact, everyone die!

(General begins killing all. Then Duo comes in with his starship collection.)

Duo: Man, what's going on here? Who're the good guys?

Trowa: Duo, is that you?

Duo: Yeah, I came to help.

Trowa: Well, it looks like Frieza's army has gone insane. Could you help me kill them, and then stop the pokemon?

Duo: Well I'd like to, but it'll cost you.

Trowa: What? Duo, civilization rests on the outcome of this battle, and you're asking for money?!

Duo: Seems like a good time to me.

Trowa: Just kill everything!

Duo: Can do!

(Duo's ships fuse together to form the uber starship, which blows up Frieza's army, the pokemon army, Trowa, and the planet they were all fighting around)

Duo: Oops.

(Back at Frieza's ship)

Frieza: Hm. So I guess we're fighting in space. No problem. In fact, I'd prefer it. Oh, Zarbon, who just blew up a planet without my permission?

Zarbon: An unidentified group of starships.

Frieza: See to them.

(Duo's fleet explodes)

Zarbon: Already done sir.

Frieza: Excellent.

Pantless red pilot: Oooh! I just love the color death!

(Pantless red pilot blows up flagship)

Dr. J: So remember kids, everything dies!

Chapter 35  
(The final insult to humanity)

(Ash puts out a minimal effort and overwhelms the struggling Ryo. The warrior is engulfed in the blast, and sent flying back. His armor protects his body from melting, but his energy is spent. Ash decides to finish him with a heavy downward kick from 50 feet in the air. A crater results, filling with the blood flowing from every opening on Ryo's face. Ash prepares to destroy the unconscious Ryo)

Frieza: That's enough! The boy is done. Now it's time to start the REAL fight.

Trowa: Someone, go help him!

Frieza: No. He made his decision, and now he must live with it...or die by it.

Ash: That fight was insulting!

Frieza: Oh, I don't know. I'd say you could learn something from him. Too bad he had no idea what his place was...

Ash: Well, he's just a dumb boy, like you!

Frieza: ...a 12 year old is calling me "boy"? And that made no sense regardless. Do you enjoy making yourself look stupid?

Ash: ...grrr! RRRAAAAA!!!!

(Ash rushes at Frieza, fists in front, trips on a rock, falls face first on the ground, and explodes. Everyone stares at the crater)

Heero: ...well that was...interesting...

Trowa: ...alright! We defeated Ash!

Everyone: Hurrah!!!

(Scene fades to black and prints the "The End". Zoom out to a television screen, then to two critics sitting on a couch)

Critic 1: W-w-w-what was that?! Ash trips and explodes, the end?!

Critic 2: I know, as if the story wasn't screwed up enough already. How anti-climactic can you get?!

Critic 1: Was that supposed to be funny?

Critic 2: Yeah, who wrote this crap?! I mean, they've completely screwed up Heero's personality, Dr. J is a chaotic psycho, and Goku is Frieza's houseboy!

Critic 1: Man, this thing's never seeing the light of day.

(Critic 1 sets fire to the film reel. Dr. J bursts in and puts the fire out)

Dr. J: What are you people talking about?! This stuff is gold! Pure literary gold!

Critic 1: Who the hell are you? And why are you in my house?

Critic 2: And why are you dressed like Dr. J?

Dr. J: The writers sent me!

Critic 1: Well tell them to send you back. And take this with you.

(Critic 1 hands Dr. J half burned filmstrip)

Dr. J: Hold on, I'm getting a message. Mm hm. Uh huh. What's that mister writer? You want me to kill them all? Well ok then!

Critic 2: What kind of psycho are you?!

Dr. J: That doesn't matter! What does matter is; Majigi!

(Dr. J takes out a very large, intimidating sledgehammer and gruesomely murders the critics. Blood splatters on the screen, forming "The End")

Chapter 35  
(The, uh…insult that came after that)

Frieza: DIE!!!

(Huge chunks of ice explode from the blue ball he was forming. Ash dodges the first wave easily enough, but the rest home in. Ash takes a couple of lumps, but soon finds that blocking them isn't painful at all)

Ash: What kind of attack is this?

Frieza: Oh, you just wait.

(And wait he does! For another two minutes. But in all the mindless ice breaking, Ash fails to notice that the source of the ice is getting bigger. Frieza finally throws the massive blue sphere, flanked by miniature glaciers. Suddenly, Sonic runs up and passes through the blue sphere. It changes into a red sphere. It hits Ash, and Ash is thrown out of the special stage)

Ash: Huh? Where am I?

Tails: Sonic, come on! We gotta stop…wait, you're not Sonic! You must be one of Robotnik's tricks! Take this!

(Tails explodes)

Ash: Hm…that was strange.

(Ash moves on through the level, but gets stuck between two bouncers and flies back and forth for 10 minutes)

Ominous voice: **_Time Over!_**

Ash: Wha?

(The universe ceases to exist. The end)

Chapter 35  
(Da'oh!)

Sage: So…what would happen if we added our power to yours when you already have the white armor?

Ryo: ...I…don't know.

Rowen: Well, let's give it a try!

(The other four Ronins focus their spirits. A sphere of light matching their armor's color surrounds them)

Rowen: Armor of Strata!

Sai: Armor of Torrent!

Kento: Armor of Hardrock!

Sage: Armor of Halo!

All: Da-!!!… 

Sage: Uh…

Kento: Shoot.

Rowen: What was the word again?

Ryo: Ha! You guys can't remember it either!

Sai: Yeah, yeah, we're all as dumb as you. Tell us the word, quick!

Ryo: It's uh…uh…hold on, I wrote it down.

(Takes out chared, mangled, and wholly illegible piece of paper)

Ryo: Uh…I think it says…dominos.

Rowen: Oh, that's not right.

Ryo: It's defiantly a D…

(Paper disintigrates)

Sai: Aw man…looks like we're doomed!

(Dr. J leaps dramatically out of the ship)

Dr. J: Looks like it's up to me to save the day! **Armor of Crazy, Hawaii!!!**

(Everyone looks on in anti-shock as the psychotic armor fails to appear)

Dr. J: My work here is done! Come duckie!

(The rubber duck, which magically survived, comes to life and grows to the size of an ostrich. Dr. J mounts it and rides heroically into the sunset. Then the sun melts and floods the planet in orange goo. None survive. The end)

Epilogue  
(The madness must end)

(Scene opens in a courtroom.)

Goku: This court is now in session for The People vs. Dr. J. The honorable judge Ass Katchum now presiding.

Ash: That's Ash!

Goku: Oh, sorry. The honorable judge _Ash_ Katchum now presiding. All rise.

(Ash enters and sits at the podium)

Ash: Ok, uh, now we hear from each side, right?

(Silence)

Ash: Ok, let's hear from that guy (points to Duo)

Duo: Thank you your honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I intend to prove, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that Dr. J is completely and utterly insane, a danger to all creation if you will, and as such must be locked away for the remainder of time. In fact, I'm so confident that I'll win, that I'm gonna waste the remainder of my time by standing up here and slowly eating animal crackers.

(Pulls out box of animal crackers and begins eating. Jeopardy theme begins playing.)

Ash: Ok, we get the point!

Duo: (mouth full of cracker) Hey, I've still got two minutes left.

Ash: Bailiff!

(Goku begins charging ki blast)

Duo: Aah!

(Duo runs to his seat.)

Ash: Ok, now the scary looking guy in the white coat. He's the defendant, right?

Goku: How should I know? I've never done this either.

Ash: Oh well. You come take your turn now.

Dr. J: My attorney will take care of that. (presses button)

(A tiny clown car burst through the door and crashes into the podium. A clown steps out of the back door)

Clown: (honk, honk. Bicycle horn, bicycle horn, honk. Ding ding, buzz, duck call, siren, honk, honk, cherry bomb)

Ash: Uh…yeah…ok, now the Prosecution is supposed to call a witness or something.

Duo: Yeah, just a minute.

(Finishes crackers)

Duo: Ok. For my first witness, I call to the stand Mr. Ryo Sanada!

(Ryo rises)

Ash: You may take the stand.

(Ryo takes the stand)

Duo: Please state you name for the court.

Ryo: Didn't they just announce it?

Duo: Yeah, but you gotta say it again.

Ryo: Oh. Ok. Ryo Sanada.

Duo: Ok Mr. Sanada, tell us about how you met Dr. J and how you'd describe him.

Ryo: Well, Heero and I had just been attacked by a Pokemon radical, so we went to the city to find out what was going on. Everyone was dead except for Dr. J, and I'm still not convinced that he had nothing to do with that.

Dr. J: Objection! The records clearly state that the planet was destroyed by Pokemon, not me!

Ash: Sounds good.

Ryo: He said he couldn't remember anything before two months earlier, and that he'd been working there building things for someone, but he didn't know who or why. There didn't seem to be any sign that the place had been visited by anyone but Dr. J for years. I'm not sure whether he was lying, or just crazy.

Duo: What about his behavior?

Ryo: Well, he never really hurt any of us, but he always seemed ready to.

Duo: And what was the first time you noticed this 'criminally insane' tendency?

Ryo: Well it was on the beach planet, when he stole that police car and…say, I never finished paying you back for that Mia thing.

(Cracks knuckles)

Duo: (Nervous) Uh, prosecution rests!

(Duo hurries back and hides behind his chair)

Ash: Defense, you may begin your cross examination of the…what's this word (points to script)?

Goku: Witness.

Ash: Oh, ok. Well, you heard him already. Go ahead.

(Clown approaches Ryo)

Clown: (Frolics and turns to Ryo for response)

Ryo: …um…

Clown: (slaps the table impatiently)

Ryo: Diiid anyone get that?

Dr. J: He asked what your profession is!

Ryo: Oh. I'm a mystical warrior.

(Clown turns away, points his rubber nose in the air, and puts his hand out in a rejecting motion. Clown returns to its seat)

Ash: I guess that means the defense rests. So, now…uh…right, next witness!

(Ryo leaves)

Duo: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury (but especially ladies…), I call-

Dr. J: Hey! Don't I get to call a witness?

Duo: Quiet lunatic! Everyone knows the plaintiff gets two witnesses before the defendant gets any!

Ash: Uh…right.

Duo: And so, without further interruption from any nameless psychos, I call Ms. Washuu Hakubi to the stands!

(Washuu rises)

Ash: You may approach the bench...bench? That doesn't sound right…oh well, come up.

Washuu: Thanks, but I'd rather just float around.

(Floats upside-down above the stand)

Duo: Please state your name for the court.

Washuu: Washuu Hakubi. But you can call me Lil' Washuu, cutie!

Duo: I'd like to waive that right.

Ash: I'll allow it.

Duo: So Washuu, tell us how you met the defendant.

Washuu: Well, his friends needed a place to rest for the night, so Tenchi, being the naïve and giving person he is, let them stay. And during the night, while I was repairing my Dimension Tuner, he snuck into my lab and offered to help.

Duo: And could you describe Dr. J's behavior while he was with you?

Washuu: He's nuts! A complete wacko! He makes ME look like Al Gore!!! I mean, the man hit me over the head with a bottle of chloroform!

Washuu Puppet1: Yeah!

Washuu Puppet2: Praise Washuu!…I mean, it's true! True!

Dr. J: Objection! Those puppets were not called to the stand!

Ash: Bailiff, remove the puppets.

Washuu: (turns right side up) NO! LEAVE THEM ALONE!

(Puppets flee screaming)

Duo: …so anyway, you see my friends? This man, who is reported to have the intelligence and talent to construct machines of unfathomable complexity, chose to use the bottle rather than the chemical inside to subdue this woman. Not only is that the paragon of madness, it's a clear expression of outward violence! I submit to you that you have no choice but to declare this man completely INSANE!

(Slaps 'INSANE' sticker on Dr. J's forehead)

Mickey Mouse: Hey! I object! That sticker designates the defendant as insane, and that has yet to be determined! Huhuh.

Ash: Yeah, but I think it looks neat. Besides, I don't think the audience is supposed to object. The sticker stays!

Duo: The prosecution rests. And with gusto, I might add.

Ash: The clown may cross-examine the witness.

(Clown approaches Washuu)

Clown: (honk, bottle smash, juggle, juggle, shoe slap. Clowny tune, rubber duck, bubble, bubble, honk, slapstick. Pause.)

(Clown approaches Dr. J)

Dr. J: What? No, I will not pay you now! Get back to work you natural impossibility!

(Clown returns to Washuu)

Clown: (Bicycle horn, honk, tape recording of Bob Dole, crowd cheering, honk, honk, walrus bark. Pause. Splat, honk, fish-slap, fish-slap, aluminum rod. Dramatic pause. Honk, record skip, dance, dance, honk, cartwheel, summersault, land, pose.)

Washuu: Uh…sure, whatever.

(Clown turns to jury)

Clown: (Honk, honk, noise maker, slide whistle, honk. Glass shatter, car accident, steel drum solo, guitar, guitar, honk, duck call, burn, drink. Yellow, pencil snap, air horn, clap, clap, honk. Oink, snarl, engine rev, honk, beep, dink, tear. Pause. Alarm clock, electric can opener, boop. Choir, honk, apocalypse, honk, honk. Five minutes of Revolution 9. Kazoo tune, woman's scream, balloon animal)

(Clown presents balloon animal to jury)

Duo: Objection! The defense is trying to bribe the jury with balloon animals!

Ash: Nah, he's just presenting it to them for their approval. Overruled!

Clown: (Confirming double honk)

Vegeta: Agh! I can't take anymore of this! Silence clown!

(Blows up clown/lawyer)

Dr. J: Hey! He blew up my attorney!

Goku: Vegeta, you can't just go killing things! It's disruptive to the-

Vegeta: You be quiet too, Kakarot! Don't make me come down there!

Ash: I'm gonna allow this. Dr. J, you have five minutes to find another defense lawyer.

Dr. J: Oh, never mind. I'll do it myself.

(Dr. J approaches Washuu)

Dr. J: Now Washuu, could you tell us just what the purpose of the aforementioned Dimension Tuner was?

Washuu: You should know! You're the one who screwed it up!

Dr. J: Hey hey, I'm not the one on trial here!

Washuu: Yes yo-

Dr. J: Just answer the question!

Duo: Objection! Dr. J is confusing us all!

Ash: Huh? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

Washuu: …well, it was designed to create an alternate dimension based on the specifications given, so in essence it made dreams come true.

Dr. J: And isn't it true that on past occasions the device in question sent you and your friends spiraling through possible universes for days?

Washuu: Yes, but I-

Dr. J: And yet you rebuilt it?

Washuu: Well-

Dr. J: And isn't it true that you left that bottle of chloroform in my lab with the sole expectation that I would use it on you?!

Washuu: Yeah, but I never thought that you'd-

Dr. J: AHA! I declare this woman to be just as crazy as I am! Bailiff, take her away!

Goku: Uh…should I?

Ash: Yeah, go ahead.

(Goku drags Washuu away)

Washuu: I'll get you for this!!! You hear me you lunatic!? I'll make you pay!!!

Dr. J: Ahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!!!!…defense rests.

Ash: Yeah, well don't bother sitting down. It's your turn to call a witness.

Dr. J: Very well! For my first witness, I call Dr. Ivo Robotnik to the stand!

(Dr. Robotnik rises)

Ash: Take the stand.

(Robotnik sits)

Dr. J: Please state your name for the court.

Robotnik: Dr. Ivo Robotnik.

Dr. J: Now doctor, you met the defendant during the Pokemon wars, correct?

Robotnik: Actually, I'm not sure that we ever really met.

Dr. J: Yes, that may be true, but isn't it true that you examined his work?

Robotnik: Yes, he donated some of his weapons to help us battle the Pokemon.

Ash: What?! You killed my Pokemon?! Bailiff, arrest this man!

Goku: Uh, I-

Dr. J: That's it! This boy is clearly too incompetent to oversee these hearings. He allowed my attorney to be killed, a witness to be disposed of, and besides that, he's supposed to be dead! I demand a new judge!

Ash: Hey, you can't do that!

Goku: Actually, it says here that he can.

Ash: What?!

(Goku drags Ash out the doors screaming. A gunshot is heard. Goku reenters)

Goku: Now presiding, the honorable judge Zarbon.

(Zarbon enters)

Zarbon: Alright, let's get this show on the…why is there a clown car embedded in my podium?

Dr. J: I'll take care of that!

(Dr. J presses button. Car explodes)

Zarbon: …why is my podium on fire?

Dr. J: A car just exploded on it! I declare this judge to be blind! I want another one!

Goku: Sorry, the book says you can only do that once every 3 hours.

Dr. J: Blast it!

Zarbon: …ok, I have a feeling this is going to be short and sweet. Where did you all leave off?

Dr. J: I was questioning my witness.

Zarbon: Alright then, carry on.

Dr. J: (Returns to Robotnik) Now as we were saying, as an expert at building weapons of massive death, how would you describe the devices that Dr. J gave you?

Robotnik: The craftsmanship was superb! And after examining the design aspects, I was completely blown away by the insane level of detail on every piece! Heck, I can't even figure out how some of them are physically possible! Whoever this Dr. J is, he's defiantly a genius!

Dr. J: There you have it ladies and gentlemen of the jury. A genius, proclaimed by one of the greatest minds of our time. And, to quote some madman, aren't all geniuses a little bit insane?…Defense rests.

(Dr. J sits down)

Zarbon: The prosecution may begin its cross-examination.

(Duo confidently approaches Robotnik, paces around dramatically, then speaks)

Duo: Now, Dr. Robotnik, isn't it true that you're the fascist ruler of a small country called Robotnikland?

Robotnik: Well, I used to be, but people kept mistaking it for an amusement park, so I eventually sold it to Disney.

Mickey Mouse: That was you?! You little bastard! We lost millions on that deal! Get 'im boys!

(An army of Disney lawyers carrying briefcases and assault rifles storms the courtroom and charges at Robotnik.)

Zarbon: Order!

(The lawyers mysteriously explode)

Mickey Mouse: Um…we'll be back!

(Scurries out of room mumbling demented half-made plans)

Zarbon: Now let's have no more of that. Oh, Goku, I won't be needing you. Go take a seat with the jury.

Goku: But they scare me.

Zarbon: SIT!

Goku: Aw…

(Goku sits cautiously next to a pantless red guy sharpening a buck knife. Red guy turns and grins. Goku cowers)

Duo: …yeah. And isn't it true that you've been convicted on several charges including attempted mass-homicide, destruction of military property, kidnapping, mind control, theft of government property, conspiracy, and attempted mass genocide?! (slams table dramatically.)

Robotnik: Well yes, but I don't see what-

Duo: Prosecution rests. And now I will dance.

(Begins victory dance)

Zarbon: The prosecution will stop dancing, unless it would like to lose the use of its legs.

(Duo stops poutingly)

Zarbon: The witness may step down.

(Robotnik returns to his seat)

Zarbon: The prosecution may call its next witness.

Duo: Thank you your honor. If it pleases the court, I will now call my surprise witness!

(Dramatic music flares. Duo poses)

Duo: I call Mr. Heero Yuy to the stands!

(Heero enters)

Zarbon: The witness may take the stands.

(Heero sits)

Duo: Yo Heero, what's up!

Heero: …Duo…

Duo: What? Oh right! Please state you name for the court.

Heero: Heero Yuy.

Duo: Ok Heero. Tell us-

Dr. J: WHO SAID THAT!?

(Pause)

Dr. J: …oh…never mind.

Zarbon: …continue.

Duo: Yes, uh, tell us about Dr. J.

Heero: Well, he's clearly insane. He builds things that are either made to wipe out all life, or have no purpose at all. There are times when he seems to defy the laws of physics in an almost comical, yet unnerving way. While I've never actually seen him hurt anyone who wasn't posing him an immediate threat, I'm almost certain he has.

Duo: I object!

Zarbon: To what? He's your witness!

Duo: Oh right.

Heero: …how did you become the attorney representing the entire universe?

Duo: Money.

Heero: Hm.

Dr. J: Hi Heero!

Zarbon: Silence! I'll have…why is that man wearing a sticker labeled 'INSANE'?

Duo: I believe that's rather obvious.

Zarbon: Whatever. Just continue.

(Zarbon takes out a gameboy)

Duo: Ok Heero, just one last question…did you bring anything to eat? Those crackers weren't enough.

Heero: …I only feel the need to restate my previous question.

Duo: Guess that's a no, huh?

Heero: Yeah.

Duo: Ok, prosecution rests.

(Duo returns to his seat and goes to sleep)

Zarbon: (hand against his face) The defense may question the witness.

Heero: Oh God.

Dr. J: Hi Heero!

Heero: Just get this over with.

Dr. J: Isn't it funny? Normally I'M the one who's trapped under gunpoint.

Zarbon: Please stop socializing with the witness.

Dr. J: Oh, very well. Heero, would you say that you're a happy man?

Heero: What?

Dr. J: And do you think I should have worn a suit to my court debut?

Duo: (waking up) Wha? Ub, uh, objection!

Zarbon: …yes?

Duo: Huh?…uh, I forget.

Zarbon: Ugh. Resume.

Dr. J: And how many pages are in this book!

(Holds up book labeled Exhibit B)

Heero: …your honor?

Zarbon: If you make me look away from this game screen again, I doubt either of you will survive.

Dr. J: Ok, now for some sensible questions! Heero, why do you hate me so?

Heero: Because you make my life miserable. You force me to keep a constant watch on you to prevent you from killing people.

Dr. J: But you yourself have said that I'm mostly harmless, and that you've never seen me kill without reason. Why should you feel the need to keep me locked up?

Heero: Because I'm afraid you'll start inventing reasons. That, and your 'harmless' mischief has a tendency to be potentially cataclysmic.

Dr. J: A potential?! I hardly see that as reason to devote one's entire life to the caretaking of one eccentric scientist!

Heero: …since when do you try to make sense?

Dr. J: Well Heero, I've actually been quite sane this whole time. I just acted crazy to throw off all our enemies. That, and it's fun being delightfully mad! It prevents you from actually going insane. I recall recommending it to you one day before the joining.

Heero: …what?

Dr. J: Ok, back to the random! How many mushrooms did Ryo eat the day we left Titania?

Heero: Uh…none. We had almost no food for the whole trip.

Dr. J: Exactly! And if we had so little food, how could I invent these alleged 'weapons of cataclysmic mischief' if you never fed me to begin with?

Heero: Well, I don't know Dr. J, but there they are.

(Points to pile of weapons labeled 'Exhibit A')

Dr. J: Oh goody! My weapons!

(Dr. J rushes toward the pile. Zarbon stops him)

Zarbon: (puts away gameboy) Ok, that's all for the defense.

Dr. J: But I still have more questions-

Zarbon: I said defense rests! Call your next witness!

(Heero sits down)

Dr. J: I also have a surprise witness! I call to the stands (reaches into coat pocket) this aluminum rod!!!

Zarbon: …the rod may take the bench.

Duo: I object!

Zarbon: Really, this can only help your case.

Duo: …withdrawn.

(Dr. J places rod on stand)

Dr. J: Now Mr. Rod, where did Dr. J purchase you?

(Pause)

Dr. J: That's right! He didn't purchase you! He molded you himself! And why did he do that?

(pause)

Dr. J: Well spoken, Mr. Rod…what's that you say? You'd like me to mold you into a weapon? Well ok!

(Gunshot flies by Dr. J)

Dr. J: Aha! That man has demonstrated atrociously uncourtly manner! I demand that he be placed in front of the room for me to pester for the remainder of the proceedings!

Zarbon: No. And I thought this place had metal detectors!

Heero: Dr. J built them.

Dr. J: Metal detector? I thought they said squirrel eradicator!

(Squirrel runs in and vanishes in a puff of smoke)

Dr. J: Ha! NOW let's see you pelt me with acorns!…oh, uh, defense rests.

Zarbon: …Would the prosecution care to humor us?

(Duo gets up and paces before the podium, trying to come up with something witty)

Duo: Mr. Rod…hey, this thing's not made of aluminum. It's cheese!

(Takes a bite)

Dr. J: Hey! He's eating my witness!

Zarbon: The prosecution will refrain from ingesting the witness.

Duo: Aw, but I'm hungry.

Zarbon: And I'm annoyed! Deal with it!

Duo: Can't you call a recess or something?…Mmm…Reese's…

Zarbon: Shut up! I've had it! This nonsense has gone on long enough! Now while Lord Frieza is all in favor of the judicial system, this is obviously a waste of all our time! This man is clearly out of his mind, and here we are entertaining him with this insult of a trial!!! For something like this to exist, there must be a serious problem somewhere in our government!

(Doors explode)

Frieza: Now now, Zarbon, let's not be too impatient. Even a man whose guilt is as clear as this one's has the right to a fair and, overall, _speedy_ trial. Now let's stop wasting my empire's time and money on this formality and get on with it.

Zarbon: Uh, of course Master Frieza. We'll hear from one more witness and that's it.

Duo: Hey, I've still got-

Zarbon: Silence! We've heard enough out of you today!

Dr. J: Yes! In fact, I move that all of his statements be stricken from the record.

Zarbon: You'd like us to remove the prosecution from the record entirely?

Dr. J: Yes.

Zarbon: And sadly enough, I doubt it would make a difference anyway. Prosecution, call your last witness!

Duo: Uh…right. For my final witness, I call to the stands, DR. J!!! (dramatic pointing stance)

(Sourceless gasps)

Zarbon: You may approach the stands.

(Dr. J sits down)

Duo: Please state your name for the court.

Dr. J: Dr. J.

Duo: And what does the 'J' stand for?

Dr. J: Nobody cares.

Duo: I see. Dr. J, isn't it true that you're insane, and that this trial is just another way to amuse your twisted mind?

Dr. J: No! My mind is NOT twisted! It's merely rotated a delightful three quarters!

Duo: I see.

Dr. J: No you don't! None of you see! You're all blind! Blind to the magic and whimsy of my wonderful world!!! But I'll show you! Someday I'll show you all!!!

Zarbon: Order! This is a courtroom, not a circus!

Dr. J: Then why do I see clowns!?

(Clowns storm the courtroom, emanating circus music.)

Zarbon: RRRAAAA!!! Goku, remove the clowns!

(The clowns fail to be removed by the lack of Goku)

Zarbon: …hey…where's Goku?…where's the damn jury!?

Luigi (in jury box): Thheeeeeey'sa sneak out.

Zarbon: AAAGH!…well, why are you still here?

Luigi: I'ma fell asleep.

Zarbon: GRRRAAA!

(Clowns explode)

Zarbon: Finish this up before I lose my temper!

Duo: Right. Dr. J, isn't it true that you mounted an assault on a radio station and pirated the airwaves for a whole day?

Dr. J: No, no, that was Dr. K.

Duo: Really? Then perhaps you'd like to explain THIS!

(Duo poses, and taped conversation begins playing from nowhere.)

Radio voice: Say hey, to tiki tiki Dr. J!

Caller1: Hey Dr. J. I need some advice. My girlfriend left me, and I'm feeling really down. All of my friends say that I should start dating again, but it just doesn't feel right. What do you think?

Dr. J: Well Jimmy, these friends are obviously in league against you. They're trying to get you to date so you'll leave your house more often, then they'll lay their traps for you!

Caller1: What? I don't think-

Dr. J: Problem solved! Next caller! Say hey to Dr. J!

Caller2: Hey Dr. J, I've got a problem. You see, these crazy women from outer space crash-landed on my property, and they've all fallen in love with me. If I tell them to leave, I'm afraid they'll kill me. What should I do?

Dr. J: Well have you _tried_ inducing nuclear fusion yet?

Tenchi: What? Um, no?

Dr. J: Then stop wasting my time! Problem solved. Next caller say hey! 

Caller3: Hey Dr. J, I've got a weird problem. There's this guy who follows me everywhere I go. He never comes up to me; he just sort of lurks in the shadows. I'm not sure what he wants, and it's kinda scaring me. What should I do?

Dr. J: This man is obviously a leprechaun! Next time you see him, grab him and demand his pot of gold! Problem solved, next caller! Say hey to Dr. J!

Caller4: Hey Dr. J, my shoes are broken.

Dr. J: Too bad! Next!

Caller5: Hey Dr. J, I've got a problem.

Dr. J: Why does everyone keep calling me with their problems?! Doesn't anyone just want to have a pleasant conversation anymore?!

(Hangs up)

Dr. J: Next caller!

Caller6: Hey Dr. J, how's it goin'?

Dr. J: What's your problem, citizen?

Caller6: I haven't got a problem. I just-

Dr. J: Then why did you call my help line?!

(Hangs up)

Dr. J: Next! Say hey to Dr. J!

Caller7: Hello Dr. J.

Dr. J: Hi Heero! Have you heard my radio show?

Heero: Yes. Yes I have. Now get off of that planet and back to the ship.

Dr. J: Well I'd love to, but YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!

(Pistol cocking is heard)

Dr. J: You can't hit me from there!

(The sound of a gunshot and shattering glass is heard)

Dr. J: …I'm going.

(Tape ends)

Dr. J: Oh, you mean THAT show. I didn't hijack that station; I broke into it after hours!

Duo: Remaining member of the jury, I rest my case.

Zarbon: About time. Well then, let's-

Dr. J: Wait! I have to cross-examine the witness!

Zarbon: …sir?

Frieza: Let him speak Zarbon. At least there will be absolutely no doubt after this.

Zarbon: Very well. Proceed.

(Dr. J gets up and stands in front of the bench)

Dr. J: Now, Dr. J, isn't it true that while you've built weapons of unspeakable destruction, you've also unraveled the mysteries of the universe and made great strides towards the betterment of humanity?

Dr. J: (sits back on the stands) Why yes!…I mean no! Certainly not!

Dr. J: (stands) Need I remind you that you are under oath, Dr. J?!

Dr. J: (sits) Well…ok, I did unravel the secrets, but I haven't put them to any practical use yet!

Dr. J: (stands) Fair enough. Now, do _you_ know how many pages are in Exhibit B?!

Dr. J: (sits) I don't see what that has to do with this trial!

Dr. J: (stands) Just answer the question!

Dr. J: (sits) No!

Dr. J: (stands) Your honor, make him answer the question!

Zarbon: (holds out glowing hand)

Dr. J: (sits) Oh very well! There are exactly 2,874 pages!

Dr. J: (stands) And what is written on these pages?!

Dr. J: (sits) The complete chronicles of my work on Heero's ship!

Dr. J: (stands) Ah ha! Well on page 1,307, it clearly states that you built a device capable of healing mortal wounds! And you call _that_ impractical?!

Dr. J: (sits) Yes! I do! Mortal wounds aren't fun at all! The very fact that I would have to use the machine would indicate a tragedy!

Dr. J: (stands) Stop playing games Dr. J!

Dr. J: (sits) But I like games!

Dr. J: (stands) It's time you woke up and started to realize that you can't go on being insane forever!

Dr. J: (sits) No! Your honor, make him stop!

(Glowing hand has not moved)

Dr. J: (stands) Alright then, just one final question. Where did you lose my car keys?!

Dr. J: (sits) You loaned them to the Muffin Man.

Dr. J: (stands) Wrong! They were in there! (points to flaming wreckage of clown car)

Dr. J: (sits then stands and falls to knees) NNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Why Heero?! WHHYYYY?!?!?!

Zarbon: ORDER!!! (smashes podium) Alright, closing remarks!

Duo: If that last display didn't prove to you that the defendant is completely insane and a danger to those around him, then nothing will. And now, with unfaltering confidence, I'd like to take this opportunity to entertain you with a little Karaoke.

(pulls out microphone and sings the first two words of "The Space Cowboy". Microphone implodes)

Duo: Hey!

Zarbon: **SIT**! Defense!

Dr. J: Italian plumber of the jury, if you hadn't been asleep during that first half, you would have noticed that I was perfectly sane! I just have some criminally insane tendencies. Otherwise, I'm just like the rest of you, except completely different. So before you make your decision, I'd like you to think about one thing: I came here of my own free will, and I know where you live! I rest my case. (sits)

Zarbon: Jury, have you reached a decision?

Luigi: Yes, I'ma have. I'ma find that all of you is'a scare'a me very much. (points at Duo) You make'a the music come out of'a nowhere, (points at Heero) you'a shoot everything, (points at Zarbon) you'rea ready to kill us all, (points at Mickey Mouse) you'rea no belong here, (points at Dr. J) and'a you! You'a the craziest of'a them all! I'ma declare'a you all insane!

Zarbon: Sounds like guilty to me. Dr. J, I hereby sentence you to death.

Dr. J: What?! That jury is clearly crazy!

Luigi: (singing and dancing) I'ma killa you all. I'ma killa you all. I'ma killa you all. I'ma killa you all.(repeats)

Dr. J: I demand a new one!

Zarbon: Quiet! This mockery of a trial was over before it started! You're a menace to all life in this universe and probably others as well. It's a miracle that you haven't caused some terrible disaster already!

Dr. J: Who are you to pass judgment on me!? YOU are a trademarked character being used without the consent of your original creator! All of you are! Every last one of you is illegal, and it's gone on long enough! The madness must end.

(Dr. J pulls out a button and presses it)

(Dr. J explodes)

(Courtroom explodes)

(Planet explodes)

(Universe explodes)

(Monitor explodes)

(Reader stops laughing)

(The end)


End file.
